By W.H. Gavescon, Saturday, November 2, 2013
WOODBRIDGE, VA — Virginia State Attorney General and Gubernatorial Candidate Ken Cuccinelli (R) has been called a lot of things in his political lifetime—staunch social conservative, climate-change denier, anti-ACA zealot—but, until very recently, amateur sexologist wasn’t one of them. Then came “Better Sex”: a mobile application for iOS and Android released Wednesday on Mobango.com, ostensibly with the endorsement of the Office of the VA Attorney General. Questionably timed, said release would seem to be an answer to the controversy created by Mr. Cuccinelli’s attempt to re-institute provisions of Virginia’s Crimes Against Nature Law. (Given the 2003 SCOTUS decision Lawrence v. Texas, 539 U.S. 558, the latter statute was deemed unconstitutional by U.S. Court of Appeals for the 4th Circuit earlier this year. Mr. Cuccinelli’s appeal to have this decision reversed was turned down by the Supreme Court in October.) Which raises a tantalizing question… Given his sagging poll numbers and the fact that his term as Attorney General is up in January, is it plausible that Mr. Cuccinelli has the role of ‘sexpert’ in his future?
Naturally, followers of Virginia politics have their doubts.
After all, the negative press and the popular animus resulting from the Supreme Court’s refusal to hear his appeal vis-à-vis VA Code § 18.2 361 has left Cuccinelli in a difficult position. His views on matters of sex have been made to appear both parochial and particularly backward. (In a sense, for Cuccinelli, the SCOTUS’s action has proven to be a nettlesome October surprise.)
Yet Virgina’s AG may boast at least one academic publication that bolsters them: a 2007 Liberty University study titled Human Sexual Practices and Their Relationship to Fertility Rates and Social Functioning. A careful read of this monograph reveals that, improbably enough, Mr. Cuccinelli has scientific grounds for advancing his peculiar take on sexology, grounds which, though decidedly controversial, are amenable to his deeply conservative ideology. Friday, I spoke to the principal author of the study, Professor Emeritus Hans Werner Friedrich Möse-Dunkeleichel, who explained the conservative eros thus:
“Many Americans consider conservative perceptions of the sexual act to be both religiously based and indicative of sexual repression. Our work at Liberty University examined psycho-social basis for these perceptions and found them to be rooted in an ethos in which fertility was valued to an exceptional degree. We hypothesized that the sexual behavior presented by keepers of this ethos is actually part of a biological strategy to maximize fecundity rates. We called this strategy productive sex and concluded that it was effective given the extent to which it minimized stimulation of the female genitourinary system during copulation.”
Asked about the relationship of “minimized stimulation” to fertility, the Liberty scholar replied: “Our study is based on the empirical observation that minimized stimulation is particularly conducive to sperm reception and fertilization. At Liberty, our research has always strongly supported the hypothesis that excessive stimulation of the female genitourinary system—as occurs during rough or prolonged sexual intercourse—invariably leads to a pronounced diminution in rates of fertilization. Indeed, coupled with strong emotions, such as fear or concupiscence, excessive stimulation causes the chances for the production of a zygote to drop way off. The female body has ways of advancing this drop-off.”
As for “Better Sex”—both the concept and the application—my discussion with the learned Professor leads me to conclude that “better” is “more productive”. Sure enough, firing up the application on my iPhone 5, I am greeted by the catchy banner: “LEARN PRODUCTIVE SEX WITH THE COOCH!” A cartoon avatar in the likeness of Ken Cuccinelli winks at me as I scroll through the options.
So does the application really work? I decide to take up the Professor on his offer of a laboratory demonstration, and, one by one, he explains its use and features employing a voxel model of a copulating heterosexual couple.
“The mobile device” he explains, “needs to lie touch-screen down on the small of the man’s back and is held in place with this elastic belt. As the missionary position is both that which is most conducive to sperm reception and that which has been prescribed by our Lord, the application provides feedback that ensures strict compliance with this form. If, for instance, the man’s hips stray from the proper 180 degrees relative to the woman’s pelvis like so [the Professor makes adjustments to the model so that the male pelvis tilts this way and that, causing the voice of the application to admonish: “YO! STRAIGHTEN HER UP, JOE!”], there… You see? The subject is immediately corrected. The force and the timing of the pelvic thrusts are also important, so the application monitors them as well. If the man is thrusting too vigorously or too quickly [the professor gradually increases the speed at which the male pelvis thrusts until the voice responds: “WOAH! SLOW IT DOWN, TEX!”], or else too slowly [he gradually decreases the speed until he gets the response: “GET TO STEPPIN’, MEX!”], there… You can hear the feedback.”
“My…” I chime in, “I can envision situations where such feedback might tend to annoy.”
“True enough.” answers the Professor, “But then strictly Christian sex isn’t for everyone.” He adds wittily: “Yet.”
Other features include ‘Musical Accompaniment’ (“Better Sex” compliant selections include The Blue Danube Waltz, Shout to the Lord, and—a piece recommended by the Professor for those unused to the application—The Ballad of Davy Crockett); a ‘Two Minute Warning’ (for copulation, “Better Sex” stipulates five minute intervals, in between which Biblical verses such as 1 Thessalonians 4 or 1 Corinthians 6 are recited, and the couple is asked to engage in ten minutes of introspection); a ‘Did You Know’ trivia function which, when activated, periodically informs the couple about the married lives of famous Christians from history and the moral hazards of birth control and masturbation; and ‘Ken’s Tips’ as regards Christian foreplay and the dos and don’ts of kissing and petting. Every session of “Better Sex” ends with a php contact form by means of which the user may submit input to the VA Attorney General’s Office.
Naturally, where I am impressed with the effort and the level of thought that has gone into the programming of the application, I am skeptical about its market appeal. “Indeed, it’s not the kind of thing you want to toy with grabbing a quickie with the neighbor-lady.” commented the Professor, when asked about its use by the public at large. He agreed, the 18-24 age demographic—which includes the most voracious consumers of mobile apps—might be especially put off by the methods of ‘productive sex’.
“Women, in particular,” he noted, “tend to become irritated—and even abusive—given the pauses for scripture and introspection.”
Nonetheless, the Professor, his staff of researchers at Liberty University, and—apparently—AG Ken Cuccinelli himself have big plans for “Better Sex” and future projects like it. Why?
“You never know…” claims one Ennis Cloward of Charlotte, NC, a pastor and licensed taxidermist—not to mention one of the few users of the “Better Sex” app willing to provide me with a testimonial—“America is a Christian nation… always has been, always will be. With leaders like the Cooch coming up, productive sex may be the next big thing!”
Time will tell—and perhaps fairly quickly—whether such an optimistic appraisal of Christian sexology is truly warranted.
© 2013 Gentil Aquitaine. All rights reserved.