My name is Rand Paul and I’m a candidate for President of the student council. Let me tell you why I am running.
I remember my freshman year. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, a time to laugh and a time to cry, a time to study and a time to go bowling. I was a C student then. But that was yesterday when all my troubles seemed so far away and I worked hard and soon learned that nothing succeeds like success. But I had a dream, yes I had a dream, my friends -- that high school would be better when I was a junior.
But it’s not. For one thing, there’s too much homework. Three hours a day! I don’t know about you, but I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!
Then they canceled the prom. Outrageous! My friends, we must oppose this with everything we’ve go. We shall fight on the soccer field, we shall fight in the locker room, we shall fight in the classroom and during class break; we shall never surrender because all we have to fear is fear itself. And detention.
Cafeteria food? Where’s the beef? Got milk? Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Bet you can’t eat just one.
And why can’t we have a flat screen in the cafeteria? This issue has become controversial and I ask you, TV or not TV that is the question.
Also, the building needs repair. Heck, it was built fourscore and seven years ago when our fathers brought forth on this town, a new school, made of brick and dedicated to the proposition that school lockers shall not perish from overuse.
We want new lockers!
And there’s more! Archery in gym class is dangerous and should be cut from the curriculum. I mean, is it nobler in the heart to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune? I don’t think so.
I know, I know. These are ambitious promises and you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, well you might find you get what you need.
True, many of you don’t really know me. Some of you will want to know where I was born, and what my childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of stuff, but I don't feel like going into it.
You may ask, “Why is this fellow Rand Paul running for president of the student council?” What is my inspiration? Am I smart enough? I will tell you this: When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom.
And finally, let me say this: In my administration, I promise you that I will pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, climb every mountain, ford every stream to assure the success of our varsity football team!
Go Bobcats!
Thank you.