Big changes have come to my neck of the woods and the last couple of years have found me mostly absent from Daily Kos. I used to be quite a prolific diarist, I had a lot to say and still do, but there's just been a lot going on.
I miss writing, a great deal. More than any words can express and I've actually tried to start my own blog but can't seem to get it to work, which is another rant I could go on forever. I'm not tech savvy.
But the changes are good. And painful. And hard.
Divorce, it's happening now. And I'm not working and its set me into quite a state. Divorce is difficult enough as it is, but to be out of work and going through a divorce has sent me into a great deal of panic.
It's forced me to evaluate how I've put off growing a career and using the fabulous skills I have to make something more of myself. That's a whole other issue too.
But of course the economy sucks and the wages are laughable.
And the divorce. 15 years of marriage is difficult to leave, even if you know it's right and the best thing for you, it's still a lot of crying and asking questions. It still involves a lot self reflection and second guessing. It sucks.
And even though I've been happier over the last two months over all, I feel lost.
I have two things that are saving me, my daughter and my workouts. I know, seriously. My daughter and my 5-6 days a week I'm busting my ass to lose weight and get healthier. It's keeping me sane (and I've lost 23 pounds). I'm running my first 5k on December 1st.
A child to raise on my own most of the time.
And I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
And yet, it feels hopeful too at times, like I get to start over. I keep reminding myself, I get to start over. Stop looking at the line in the sand as the end and see it as the beginning.
I've gone on some dates. I'm not ready yet, it's quite clear. I've acted irrational on one, mostly sane on others and decided that I have a lot of mourning to do. All completely healthy and I need to take care of myself and my daughter. Both important priorities.
And I have a roof over my head, plans to keep me going, but the independence I crave and the sense of accomplishment is absent. I need to start finding that on my own. I need to support myself. And I need it sooner than later.
So dating sucks and job hunting sucks.
Oh the ups and downs are almost too much to bear at times.
But I'm still hopeful.
So that's what's been going on. And I know as soon as I can figure out how I can get my blog started (don't you love when something is supposed to be user friendly but YOU seem to be the only person who can't seem to work it out) I want to keep myself writing like a mad woman with a new purpose.