So my new notebook is on the fritz. Or my insurance company just mailed me a letter that says I owe the hospital $50,000. Or I have to contact a government agency. By now, most of us realize that reaching a person by phone is a remote possibility. Instead, when I call, I get an endless series of menus operated by voice recognition technology. And a sugary-sweet computer voice that says, "My name is Rhonda and I am here to help you."
Am I the only person who mutters, "No, you are NOT Rhonda!!"?
After I enter my telephone number, my Social Security Number, my date of birth - -
"I'm sorry. You must enter your date of birth as a two-digit month, a two-digit day, and a four-digit year. For example, zero-one-zero-one-one-nine-nine-nine."
- - my account number, my password, and my PIN number, I am asked to give my state of residence.
So I say, "Wyoming."
"I'm sorry. 'Wyoming' is not a valid response. Please try again."
So I say, "Wyoming" again. This time a little louder.
I don't know why I say it louder the second time. Rhonda isn't hearing impaired.
"I'm sorry. 'Wyoming' is not a valid response. Please try again."
I am get-ting FRUS-TRA-TED. "WHY - - OH - - MING!!!"
"I'm sorry. 'Why - Oh - Ming' is not a valid response. Please try again."
So I press zero for an operator.
"I'm sorry. That is not a valid selection."
"Enter the star key to return to the previous menu."
So I press the star key.
"Press 'One' if you are a service provider."
"Press 'Two' if you are a federal or state agency."
"Press 'Three' if you are about to lose your mind."
"Press 'Four' if you are thinking unspeakable thoughts."
Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap.
"Press 'Eight' if you need additional assistance."
It's always the last one.
So I press 'Eight'.
"Please enter your telephone number with area code first."
I already did !!!
But I do it again, anyway.
"Please enter your nine-digit Social Security Number"
Arrrrrghhhhh!!!! But still, I do it.
"Please say clearly your state of residence."
"What ?!?!?"
"I'm sorry. I did not understand your response."
"Please say clearly your state of residence."
"WHY - - OH - - MING !!!!!!"
Why am I screaming into my cell phone?
"I'm sorry. 'Wyoming' is not a valid response. Please try again."
"California!"
"Thank you. Your request is being processed."
"We are sorry, but our records indicate that 'California' does not match your address."
"Would you like to continue this call?"