on october 25th of this year i flew home for the last time to mom's house.
it was my last home with my parents - i was a freshman in college when they bought their dream home - a beautiful ranch style house made of "old brick". one of three on the block, the yard was open and big and filled with promise and hope.
this three bedroom, two bath home was the culmination of my parents' determination to put my sister and i through college - doing so by moving us into a duplex that was one of the first "co-ops" in charlotte - we lived cramped and in far too close contact for my sister and myself, sharing one bedroom while mom and dad had the other. my sister left for grad school when mom and dad found the beautiful promise of a new life.
as the second owner of this home, it felt like brand new - rich wood floors and paneling in the den, wood floors throughout... and those bay windows in the den overlooking the yard that would have dad's small garden and his beloved gas grill. in the worst weather, dad would be there with his umbrella happily grilling to perfection... the rain didn't matter.
after dad died in 1983, mom stayed for another 28 years - never leaving their home. she lived alone in her home with determination. i had moved away after grad school to take a teaching position in new england... one that lasted six months before i made the dash for freedom in new york city.
my older sister stayed in charlotte, teaching first at our alma mater, then teaching at the local community college until she retired. i used to think our relationship was rocky due to the close proximity and inability to escape into our own private spaces in the early years in the duplex, but nothing changed as we aged. we had periodic episodes where we got along - when she came to ny to visit and go to special events, but i realized that i was little more than a free hotel room. ours relationship seemed better at a distance, as did my relationship with mom.
when i moved to california in 1993, it was after reagan killed the arts and richard miller killed off wang labs. i moved west for work - not realizing that it's true about hotel california - you can check in but you can never leave. once here, i didn't have the funds to make the 3000 mile trek back.
come with me on the journey home for the last time...
Welcome, fellow travelers on the grief journey
and a special welcome to anyone
who is new to The Grieving Room.
We meet every Monday evening.
Whether your loss is recent, or many years ago;
whether you've lost a person, or a pet;
or even if the person you're "mourning" is still alive,
("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time),
you can come to this diary and say whatever you need to say.
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Unlike a private journal
here, you know: your words are read by people who
have been through their own hell.
There's no need to pretty it up or tone it down..
It just is.
as some of you remember, when
my mom died in 2011, i was leaving that day but was delayed due to an horrific accident at my barn. as a result, i was with my friend and her horse at the time mom transitioned - i felt that moment and knew that my friend's horse would survive... the warmth that enveloped the surgery at that moment told me mom was there and that she was giving ziba strength to survive - and even she was no longer of this earth, she had come to say goodbye.
what began after that time is a journey that has caused not peace, but grief beyond measure.
for, not did i just lose my mom - our mom - i lost my sister in the time that has followed. my sister had been pressuring my mom to sign a will - one that she flatly refused to sign and said so three days before she died.
after she died, my sister presented a will making her executrix and the two of us the inheritors of the estate except for the beach property near myrtle beach, s.c., that mom and my sister co-owned. the "will" gave her that property.
the house was to be sold as neither of us planned to move into it and the antiques and mom's things were to be sold - those that we didn't want to keep close. i waited for my sister to prepare the inventory so we could decide what we wanted to keep of our childhood and our lives with our parents.
everytime i tried to ask her what was happening with the house and mom's things, she replied that this was SOOOO hard for her and that i had no respect for HER feelings!
after my unemployment ran out and i was left only on a small social security per month payment, i asked again when my sister was going to make the inventory, clear the house and offer it to our neighbors (who had said if we weren't going to stay, their relative was very interested in buying it).
finally, in may of 2012 after my beloved mr. tee died, i spoke with her on the phone and told her that there were several items i wanted. her response left me cold. she said everything was "off the table" and she didn't have to provide me with anything!
i called the probate court and asked the status of the estate to find out where the process stood only to find out my sister had closed probate ten months earlier! i had never seen the will, only had her description of it - had never been notified that the estate was being closed. the closest i knew that things were moving was when she asked me to sign a receipt for the items i had brought home with me when i returned to california - some of mom's clothes, a steamer pot and several cast iron pans that mom hated to cook with but were dad's pride and joy to use!
as for the estate? everything was just gone.
i called an attorney - and asked him to try to find out what had happened - her responses were amazing! she said i had taken three weeks to go through the house when i was home when in reality, she had refused to go over to the home - actually told me at mom's memorial that i wasn't legally allowed inside because she was executrix.
it just gets uglier from here on out - up until the middle of october when i finally received some information on the estate (other than a totally ficticious list of items i had "inherited"). i was notified that my sister had petitioned the court to sell mom's home because i wouldn't cooperate in selling the house i had been trying to get her to have appraised and sold for over two years. AND, she wanted her "legal fees" to be deducted from the process. i got the notice on october 17th thanks to the old legal trick of serving someone over a major holiday to delay their receiving the notice in a timely fashion. the hearing was scheduled for october 1 and whether i was there or not, it would go forward.
thank GOD for good lawyers! without going into a great deal of detail as this process is still ongoing, my attorney informed the court that we WANTED the house to be sold BUT we petitioned that all the proceeds be held in the court until the legitimacy of the will be determined and the value of mom's estate was determined (as it was jointly owned by my sister and myself). we have a VERY strong case that this is an invalid will presented fraudulently and that everything has disappeared from the home where my mom lived for over 50 years is indisputable.
after catching her in multiple untruths in front of the court on oct 1st, my attorney actually served her with notice of the caveat during that hearing! also, the court appointed commissioner agreed to hold off putting mom's house on the market until i had a chance to go home and say one final goodbye to mom and dad and my home, too.
i am leaving a great deal of legal issues out of this diary as that is for another day - but what i wanted to talk about was the experience of going home one last time.
i expected to mourn - to cry - to say a tearful goodbye to my parents, my home, the place where all our pups were buried in the back yard - the memories made there.
my attorney told me that my sister had left my "legacy" in the closets - that he had no idea what i would find there - but she claimed it was my share of the estate.
when i arrived, the commissioner in charge met me with the key and said, sadly, that he was afraid i was going to be very angry when i saw what was in the closets. i asked to open the first door and...
i started to laugh.
with each closet, i laughed even harder. he looked quizzically at me as i explained that i knew exactly what i was going to find - and that it would take me more than an afternoon to clear out five closets full of "stuff". we arranged for me to return the key to my attorney when i was done (it meant that the realtor or his office didn't have to clean out the house to ready it for sale).
sometimes life hands you something totally unexpected - that was what i found in those closets. instead of crying, i was laughing for four and a half days - looking at the contents and realizing the extent my sister had gone to in her attempt to make it look like i was inheriting half the estate. i felt my mom and dad throughout - and found some items that were truly personal and meaningful (that my sister missed totally, otherwise i am SURE they would have been destroyed!)
i found the calendar with the day of my birth and the subsequent "weigh-ins" as i became a chubby little baby - learned that i was born in a different hospital than i always thought - that i didn't weigh 9lbs10oz -but 9 lbs 2 oz - but quickly gained to that 10oz weight.
i found dad's carving tools he used to make violins - buried at the bottom of a box of wood templates for duclimers.
i found little items that hold no monetary worth but hold everything in the world for me.
i found love - and i found laughter.
and, i found grief - for i realized that not only had i lost both parents now, but i also lost the sister i had so craved as a child and adult.
sometimes there is no going back - only forward.
when i returned to california from north carolina so upset after mom's death because of the inexplicable behavior of my only sister, i stood crying on the neck of my beloved sani.
he raised his head and looked into my eyes and i heard so clearly, "get over it..." and then he returned to grazing. i was shocked out of my tears as i realized the world from the horse perspective.
what happened yesterday is done - we have only today and tomorrow - and when we remain fixed in the pain of yesterday, we cannot move forward with joy and happiness.
i HAVE "gotten over it" - the emotional part. i have realized that when mom died, so did any semblance of "family" - now, all is left is honoring my parents. to do that, i cannot allow mom's wishes to be disrespected. i cannot allow the probate court to be told that this proud woman was only "worth" $500. i cannot let the fraud continue.
both parents taught (or tried to teach) that you do not lie - you do not steal. you are your word and that is called honor.
i have sisters (and brothers) here at dailykos who have gotten me through so much more than any of you realize - you are my family of choice - and i love you all...
and i am moving forward.
thank you for being there when you were so desperately needed, even if you didn't know it.
i love you all more than i can ever say!