Santa, here. I was hanging out with your Lord and Savior, stringing some popcorn in heaven, and we figured we'd drop you a line. We don't want to make too big a deal about this -- we're both pretty multicultural -- but we want to get the record straight.
We're not white people.
I'm sorry if this bothers you. But it's the truth. St. Nick and Jesus are not, and never have been, from the dry part of the bird.
First of all, modern concepts of whiteness just plain don't apply to a first century Jew and a third century ethnic Greek from what is now Turkey. We're not anywhere on your little crumbled Saltine Venn diagram.
But there's something else that deeply infuriates us, and it needs to be said. Your viewers - and a large chunk of your country - hate and fear folks who look like us. Do you realize that?
Look at a reconstruction of my face by the St. Nicholas Center. Really look at me. I am a bearded, sienna-shaded gent from the Near East. Your network spends all day flashing pictures of guys who resemble me to justify drone strikes, profiling, and torture. I'm not a jolly elf to a Fox News viewer. I am the freakin' bogeyman. And, I'd like to point out, so is my Nazarene buddy over here, whose birthday is coming up. Sarah Palin pretends she's ghost-writing for the guy, but she wouldn't get in a cab he was driving.
If Jesus Christ and I got seats together on the flight next to any of your viewers, they'd piss themselves and demand that TSA goons zip-tie us both. They would. And many, many other Americans -- even folks who call themselves liberals -- feel the same way.
This season is supposed to be about universal love, and your company uses it to incite fear and distrust. You use it to pander to old white people with faulty memories about some golden-age America that didn't really exist. But that vanilla image of us in the center of all this nonsense -- it's exactly what's wrong with you, your network, and your whole country.
You're getting coal from me, hon. But JC wants me to point out that his naughty list is a little more permanent. Think about it.
10:56 AM PT: Some kind soul decided to Recommend my diary, which tickles me to no end. My blog - www.goblinbooks.com - is in hibernation until next year. But I am working on a novel about a family with secrets, a tragic death, and a children's book about all the dark parts of the Bible.
It is called "The Black Book Of Children's Bible Stories."
Please keep me on your radar if you feel interested.