Skip to main content

The infamous "War on Christmas" is in full swing this year with mortars being lobbed from each side. In this tense fray, one iconoclast has set out to eviscerate the cultural demi-god Santa Claus. Fortunately, Fox News host Megyn Kelly stood tall on December 11th to set the record straight. While refuting a proposition made by Aisha Harris that a racially neutral character might make a more suitable substitute for Jolly 'ol Saint Nick, Megyn proudly reassured us of what we all know to be true: that Saint Nicholas is a portly white man with rosy red cheeks. Oddly, her truth does not align with history. Saint Nicholas was born in the village of Patara in what is now Turkey. Contemporary portrayals of the man indicate he was dark skinned, as we would expect from his Mediterranean descent. So how do these images compare?

After her enlightened racial re-assignment of the beatified Saint Nicholas, Megyn interjected a mention of Jesus' true ethnicity:
Jesus was a white man too...he was a historical figure...I mean that's a verifiable fact
While history tells us that Jesus was a Jewish man of Middle Eastern descent, revisionist and anthropological expert Megyn Kelly knows with certainty that he was in fact a fair-skinned, blond-haired, Caucasian just like her.
While racial re-assignments are new weapons in this year's War on Christmas, no holiday battle would be complete without the forcible sanitation of all celebrations of the Christian traditions. As you would expect the all atheist 96% Christian clientele of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation made waves this week by demanding that a nativity scene on Shaw Air Force Base be ceremonially burnt to the ground. At least as far as Fox News reporter Todd Starnes would have you know. After MRFF minions stormed Shaw under the shroud of darkness, dozens of remote detonated incendiary devices were placed on and around the plastic baby Jesus. Once the crew of heathens retreated to a safe distance the devices were triggered, sending baby Jesus and his friends up in a 3,000 degree firestorm. Witnesses reported that Satan himself arose to deliver a bronze star to each member of the clandestine team.

Miraculously, the nativity scene was re-incarnated shortly after at the post chapel. In an odd tactical decision, the MRFF has decided to laud this as a successful mission, publicly claiming that they approve of religious expression on property designated for such things. Sources embedded within the MRFF have suggested that this may be part of a larger conspiracy in which the Godless Armies of Satan are attempting to overturn the beloved Christian theocratic rule of the United States by demanding that an obscure and dated legal document referred to by some as "the US Constitution" be enforced.

With the front lines being re-drawn at Shaw AFB, culture warriors elsewhere are exploiting chinks in the Armor of God by totally walling up Christian displays to prevent any faithful passerby from relishing in the aura of baby Jesus. The wall in question, a six feet tall, two and a half inch wide barricade constructed entirely of beer cans, has struck fear into the hearts of many Christian warriors. With such an obstacle in place, there is no way that anyone could possibly get a chance to gaze upon the glowing blue eyes of Yahweh's gentle plastic child. The man responsible for erecting this defilade is rumored to have drawn his inspiration from cold war era tactics used to prevent the poor souls of east Germany from knowing what freedom looked like. One victim of this attack, Fox News reporter Gretchen Carlson, described her sheer terror:

I am so outraged by this! Why do I have to drive around with my kids to look for nativity scenes and be like, "oh yeah kids, look there's baby jesus BEHIND the Festivus pole made of beer cans?!" It's nuts!
Some speculate that her children, upon seeing the Festivus pole, immediately converted to the church of cocaine and prostitution, along with many other unsuspecting casualties.

Elsewhere, decorated veteran of the culture wars and Commanding General of the American Atheists Division of Satan's Army, David Silverman, has launched an advanced PsyOp campaign which has sewn irreparable damage to the population of New York City. The mere sight of images erected on billboards in Times Square have the effect of demolishing the cognitive abilities of any poor sap found in their line of fire. Thousands of confused, babbling casualties have allegedly been sighted wandering aimlessly between Broadway and 7th Ave. while ranting incoherently at opposing forces. One such victim, Marius Forte, was caught on film after having his brain scrambled by the devious General Silverman.

**Be advised, the following video contains graphic scenes of incoherence which may not be suitable for children or sensitive viewers**

In these trying times, no man, woman, child, or cute little plastic doll is safe. With the final night of battle fast approaching we may only expect an ever escalating violence of action. Many of you may think that there is nothing you can do to contribute to the war effort this year, but even as the inevitable end of this war looms just days away, you can do your part by donating to the Salvation Army. The SA has already made great headway in their New Apostolic Reformation strategy by purging their ranks of gay and Jewish soldiers.  Perhaps with enough money they will soon be able to implement their policy of exterminating the homosexual scourge, thereby tipping the scales and giving the God-fearing, red-blooded Americans the leverage they need to finally come out ahead.

Disclaimer: This is satirical. Quote mining for use in serious journalistic endeavors will be justifiably ridiculed. This is my personal work and in no way reflects any opinion of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation or any other organization whatsoever.

EMAIL TO A FRIEND X
Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags

?

More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site