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Come on, I couldn't make this up.



Our attorneys don't know shit about shit, especially shit about asking for stays, and probably not shit about Federal Circuit Court appeals, so we need some serious help here.

The Office of the Utah Attorney General is accepting qualification and fee proposals for outside counsel to assist with the case of Kitchen et al. v. Herbert et al., case number 13-4178 pending before the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 10th Circuit and potentially the U.S. Supreme Court.

We're not hiring just anybody...

Proposals are due by 5:00 p.m., Mountain Standard Time, on January 7, 2014.  

But if you're an unemployed lawyer with nothing else to do next week...

Written proposals shall be submitted to Chief Civil Deputy Brian Tarbet by email to or by hand delivery to The Utah Attorney General’s Office, suite 230 in the Utah State Capitol, 350 North State Street, Salt Lake City, Utah.   The attorney(s) submitting is responsible for delivery to Brian Tarbet in the time allotted.

Since the NSA is probably intercepting your email and x-raying your mail, we're not responsible for governmental delays. We do claim some intervention capability with certain Acts of God. Inquire further as necessary.

The Opening Brief at the 10th Circuit is due on January 27.

Holy Shit! We need to hire someone fast!

Utah Attorney General Sean Reyes will make the ultimate decision on the selection based on the proposal that is the most advantageous to the State.  The highest qualified attorney(s) that submits a reasonable cost proposal, as determined in the sole discretion of the Utah Attorney General, will be awarded the contract.

Show us just how bigoted you can be. For extra points, come up with a new argument that Baker v Nelson is still the law of the land.  More bonus points for finding the hidden message in the US Constitution forbidding same-sex marriage.  We know it's there somewhere, but we don't have the right decoder ring. Do you?

Proposals must include:

1.  A statement of qualifications describing the attorney’s appellate experience in the federal courts of appeal, particularly in the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 10th Circuit and U.S. Supreme Court, and expertise in federal constitutional law, preferably the Fourteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution and/or in a state’s right to define marriage.

We know this rules out just about everyone except Orly Taitz (is she available?), but we have faith Republican Jesus will provide us will a qualified candidate.

2.  Proposals must include the following guaranteed maximum fee caps: a.  A fee cap for the appeal to the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals. b.  A separate fee cap if an appeal to the U.S Supreme Court is requested.

We were just kidding about the $2,000,000.  Utah is a right to work state, so don't try going much over minimum wage on us.

3.  A list of hourly rates for head counsel and any assistants, support staff and the like that are to be part of the billing.   The selected attorney(s) and staff will be paid the lesser of the hourly rates for work performed or the applicable fee cap.

Outsourcing your staff work to Uganda will be looked upon favorably.

4.  The selected attorney(s) will be under the oversight and control of the Attorney General.

We have a very large lake you can disappear into. C.f. Lot. Don't forget that

5.  The selected attorney(s) will be required to execute a contract with the Attorney General.

6.  The contact may be terminated for convenience at the discretion of the Attorney General, with fees for work properly performed paid to the date of termination.  The contract may also be terminated for cause.

Pounding your head on your desk then screaming out the window "There's no f**ing way I can win this case." is not grounds for termination.  But shouting 'FUCK' without the necessary **'s is.  This is still Utah.

7.  A conflict of interest check must be performed.

Fortunately for both parties, no logic or sanity test will be necessary.

This is a special procurement process under the emergency provision of the Utah Procurement Code and the administrative rule of the Utah Attorney General.  This is not a Request for Proposal process, but a modified process to meet the emergency conditions and intended to provide as much competition as possible under the circumstances.

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. Teh Gay is getting married.

If there are any questions, contact Chief Civil Deputy Brian Tarbet, Utah Attorney General’s Office.  No one else in Utah State Government is to be contacted.

Because we'e not sure anyone else wouldn't just start laughing uncontrollably.


Originally posted to jpmassar on Tue Dec 31, 2013 at 04:10 PM PST.

Also republished by Kossacks for Marriage Equality, Angry Gays, and Milk Men And Women.

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