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Today's Republican Politician Horoscopes

Aries A good day to pretend you care about deficits. Don't let facts cloud your judgment. Take time to stop and smell the leather wingback chairs.

Taurus Discuss cuts in food stamps with your caucus over chateaubriand and a bottle of 1978 Romanée-Conti Grand Cru that you'll charge to your taxpayer-funded expense account. Tonight: keep your manicure scissors nearby in case your mistress gets her jewelry caught in your chest hair again.

Gemini Practice saying into a mirror: "I know nothing. Nothing!" Then check on the progress of your shredding crew.

Cancer Sad thoughts may bedevil you today. Clear them out of your head by thinking of oil. Tonight: party like it's 1899.

Dollar sign
"Hey, Republican, what's
your sign? Oh. Right. Duh."
Leo Take time to stick your nose in a gay couple's bedroom and craft legislation restricting whatever it is you catch them doing. Tonight: clean your gun without checking to see if there's a round in the chamber because you're a responsible gun owner and there probably isn't.

Virgo A good day to lawyer up. Not that you did anything wrong! Still, a very, very good day to lawyer up. Tonight: practice saying "mistakes were made" in the mirror.

Libra Accuse your opponents of playing the blame game. When they accuse you of playing the blame game by accusing them of playing the blame game, feign chest pains until they apologize. Then start playing the blame-them-for-your-chest-pains game.

Scorpio Replenish your campaign coffers by sending out a fundraising email defending a conservative TV personality for exercising his freedom of speech by saying things you agree with, and insisting he keep talking! Add a P.S. suggesting he should get into politics.  

Sagittarius Replenish your campaign coffers by sending out a fundraising email accusing a liberal TV personality of saying things you disagree with, and insisting that he shut up! Add a P.S. suggesting he should stay out of politics.

Capricorn Today you'll get the urge to express your opposition to immigration reform by accusing illegals of smuggling 700 pounds of marijuana across the border in their spleens. If someone voices skepticism, question their patriotism.

Aquarius Count your blessings as a white Republican, such as unfettered access to the voting booth, better income and educational opportunities, and less chance of getting stopped and frisked and/or arrested and/or convicted and/or shot. Tonight: try and get one answer right on Jeopardy.

Pisces Don’t take no for an answer. Give no for an answer.

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Note: Stupid thermostat---I turn it up to 99 and the temperature in the apartment can barely straggle above 92.  Landlord's about to get an earful.


Oregon Truffle Festival logo
10 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Michelle Obama turns 50: 3
Days 'til the Oregon Truffle Festival in Eugene: 10
Original estimate of how much of the chemical Crude MCHM spilled into West Virginia's Elk River: 2,000-5,000 gallons
Revised estimate: 7,000 gallons
(Source: Think Progress)
Years in which the upper and lower level of the George Washington Bridge first opened: 1931/1962
Height of the support towers on the GWB: 604 feet
Number of tips Keith Olbermann got in his tip jar after posting his first diary at Daily Kos six years ago today: 1,365


Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:

This is disheartening, to say the least. And by "this" I mean this extremely lame excuse of a diary that absolves Christie of anything nefarious. The guy is a thug - a mobster. There is NO PLACE in an honest political party for this guy.
---Commenter Alphcon at RedState
All together now: 1…2…3… That's why he's a Republican!


Puppy Pic of the Day:  Even dogs hate the damn alarm clock…


CHEERS to positive ink.  Check out the headlines Republicans are waking up to this morning:

OFA graphic 1/13/14  2.2 million sign up via ACA exchanges.
On track!
• Associated Press: “Health care enrollment spikes in Utah in December”
• Detroit News: “Feds: Michigan experiences 11-fold increase in health care sign-ups”
• Sun-Sentinel:  “Obamacare enrollment gains traction in Florida”
• Stevens Point Journal: “Obamacare enrollment soars in Wisconsin”
• Albuquerque Business First: “New Mexico’s enrollment soars”
• WSFA: “More Alabamians signing up for health insurance”
• Capital New York: “Strong Obamacare numbers from NY exchange director”
• Des Moines Register: “7,500 Iowans have signed up for private insurance on, compared to 757 a month ago”
• The Gazette: “Colorado health insurance enrollments continue at steady pace”
• WLTX: “Health Insurance Enrollment Spikes in South Carolina”
• Billings Gazette: “Montana sign-ups for Obamacare policies surge in December
Numbers are soaring everywhere: six million signups through the exchanges or Medicaid expansion so far, and that doesn't include the last two-and-a-half weeks.  At this rate the ACA will hit its March goal easily, and effectively torch the basket Republicans have put all their campaign rhetoric in.  I haven't signed up yet, but I probably will soon.  I'm waiting for God to give me a sign.  Specifically: "Enroll Now, Get Free Mouse Pad!"  What can I say...I'm a sucker for cheap freebies.

Leonardu DiCaprio Jim Beam Japan ad
"Happy Drink Tickle Time!"
JEERS to the sake-fication of America.  Heckuva job, right-wingers.  While you pinheads were obsessed with your certainty that Obama was going to "take away 'r gerns," Japan was busy takin' away our Jim Beam.  Yes, it's true, they bought the company, so get used to it.  The new company, Suntory, says that beyond renaming Maker's Mark "Hello Happy Princess Kentucky Tummy Tickle Drinky Time," they have no plans to change a thing.

JEERS to Governor Payback.  I can't keep up with all the charges---snubbed mayors, back-stabbings, financial misdeeds, revenge, incompetence---being slapped to the hull of the S.S. I'm Not A Bully.  So let this be your proverbial picture worth a thousand words:

Chris Christie
And guess what falls in our lap this afternoon at 3?  Why, Governor Christie's state of the state address.  We hear he plans to deliver it from a bus in case he need to throw anyone under it at the last minute.

CHEERS to stopping with all the shooting and the banging and the bayoneting and whatnot.  230 years ago today, on January 14, 1784, Congress ratified the Treaty of Paris, officially ending the War of Independence.  It also included earmarks for a pantaloon museum, a giant biodome for the study of butterfly flatulence, and a bridge to nowhere.  Say this for Congress---they learned quickly.

Greensboro Record with front-page story from febryary 1960 on Wooloworth sit-down protesters.
Gutsy students.
CHEERS to the legacy of Franklin McCain.  He was one of the young men who stood up for their civil rights in February, 1960 by sitting down at a "whites only" Woolworth lunch counter and demanding to be treated equally.  By July the store changed its policy and McCain could sit down and eat Woolworth lunch counter food to his heart's content.  McCain passed away at 73 last week.  Doctors say his heart stopped due to the lingering effects of eating Woolworth's lunch counter food.

CHEERS to a somewhat enduring career in animation.  Unreal---anyone born in 1987 or later has never known life without The Simpsons.  After spending a couple seasons as "shorts" on The Tracey Ullman Show, Homer & Co. began their regular run as a half-hour show---with the full title sequence---on Fox on this date in 1990.  For the most part, it's as sharp as ever, and they apparently have no plans to quit anytime soon.  Today in the C&J cafeteria:

Duff Beer ad
…and keep 'em comin'.


Five years ago in C&J: January 14, 2009

CHEERS to Hillary Clinton.  She aced her confirmation hearing yesterday and there's zero suspense about whether or not she'll be confirmed as Secretary of State.  And get this: she says the Obama administration wants to sit down with people we don’t necessarily like and do something radical: talk about stuff.  It's just crazy enough to work.


And just one more…

Union label
NO labels, No Labels?
Not even this label?
JEERS to smoke where there ain't never gonna be fire.  No Labels 2.0 launched one year ago today with a BIG HAPPY MEETING in New York.  The goal of the organization, of course, is to bring liberals and conservatives together in a happy circle of Kum By Yah'ness.  But there remain a couple niggling issues: first, the head of the group, Republican Mark McKinnon, was previously in tight with the destructive George W. Bush administration, and the No Labels co-chairs are Republican Jon Huntsman from red state Utah and Republican senator with a "D" after his name Joe Manchin, from red state West Virginia.  And second, the group's goal is to bring the left and right together to solve what's paralyzing Congress…which is freaking Republicans who despise President Obama and want him to fail at all costs.  Pardon my mixed metaphor, but by not recognizing the really nasty and vindictive elephant in the room, they're just putting lipstick on a pig.  Sorry, guys, but your assertion that "both sides are guilty" is faulty from the get-go.  So, one year later, my label for the new No Labels remains the same: no sale.

I hereby label this day "Tuesday!"  Have a good'un.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

If you are not a Christian, you are going to Cheers and Jeers. It's not unloving to say that. It's unloving to not say that.
---Mark Driscoll


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