Skip to main content

And it's making my life suck - and not in a good way.

It's been a long hard slog through the last year - coming to terms with my family, leaving behind my home, my friends and my community - and waiting.  Oh, the waiting.  Waiting to see if I can get more than cursory help.  Waiting to see if I can go home.  Waiting to see if I can get the resources I need to get back on my feet and get back home.

And while in some ways I have had improvements - things with my family are better than they have been the last 20+ years in many ways, my friends have maintained contact across the miles and watched out for my boat, I got a proper diagnosis and meds that sort of work - the waiting and the being away for so long has really dragged me down.

Now I find myself in the deep pit again.  Where the walls close in around you and there doesn't seem to be a way to get out.  I just have to hang on and see what happens with the court and the judge - and that largely determines whether or not I get my life back - and it's scary to know that your fate is going to be determined by a stranger looking at records you're not allowed to see.

But there's more to it than that.  It's more than the cats peeing outside my door, or the car not working right, or the struggle with my weight.  It's an all encompassing sense that nothing matters.  That I will never leave this swamp of a state with its backwards values and weird customs.  That I will never see my home again. That I will spend the rest of my life alone in my room, an invalid - unable to receive the care needed to get back into the real world because all I am eligible for is the poor clinic and maintenance care, though I am grateful I get that.  

I'm still paranoid.  I still can't go outside and feel like I'm not wearing a target on my back in this neighbourhood - and it's not bad or dangerous, just not friendly to Jews and liberals.  Or Jews who are liberals.  I live in the house with the Gadsen flag and the feral cat colony - where there are more guns than people or cats stashed willy nilly about the place.  You just don't open drawers or decorative boxes here - they have loaded guns in them.  But I don't feel safer for it - and I know how to handle a gun.

Even poor Nigel knows something is wrong, he's constantly checking on me, making sure I'm ok - snuggling up to me when I'm not - which is most of the time.  He's ready to go home too.  Another cat has been snuck into the house from the colony outside - and it's getting along with anyone - so everyone is acting out.  

My parents constantly fight about the cats. ColCatLady wants more, to put up walkways and cat furniture on the walls and ceilings - Mum wants her house back.  She's tired of being held hostage, a servant to clean up after their messes and filth.  I just stay in my room to avoid saying anything and making it worse.

The music is back.  While it might seem cool to go through life with a soundtrack - it's not.  It's distracting and disturbing.  The birds scream and shout at me.  The heat is oppressive - ColCatLady is super sensitive to cold, so the furnace is up to 9000, and even with the vent blocked and the window open I struggle to stay cool.  All the little things add up - and I'm depressed.


Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags


More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

  •  hang in there (18+ / 0-)

    you're not alone in depression.

    (Is it time for the pitchforks and torches yet?)

    by PJEvans on Tue Jan 14, 2014 at 12:17:41 PM PST

  •  Sorry to hear this (19+ / 0-)

    I've had periods in my life like that, and no one deserves it. And for me anyway, winter makes it worse -- harder to go outside, grey, sun goes down too early.

    What's in my "toolbox" that might work for you:
    1. Protein, as much as you can, and low carbohydrates especially sugar and white flour. That's often hard because carbs are many people's comfort foods, plus they're cheap. (There should be a WIC program for depressed adults, that would pay for eggs, milk, etc.) I don't know who does the shopping, but have them look for chicken when it's on sale, tuna or canned salmon or even mackerel (cheaper), cottage cheese, eggs, the store brand cheese. Frozen vegetables are pretty good too.
    For me, the huge breakthrough, about 20 years ago, was discovering that I'm gluten-intolerant. Better than Prozac for me -- as long as I stay away from gluten grains. That doesn't work for everyone, obviously, but staying away from bread and cereals has other advantages so you might give it a try.
    2. Light -- lots of light. Outside is best, but even indoors keep the lights on.
    3. Exercise -- again, outdoors is best, but even if you could look online for a floor routine that uses your own body and maybe simple household items as weights. It gives a person something to do besides brood, and it does make your muscles and metabolism work better. If there's a YMCA near you, find out if they have a financial assistance program -- Ys are generally very welcoming to all sorts of people, regardless of religion or body size or shape.

    It can and does get better. It sounds as though finding places to go outside your house would be a big step forward. Don't just sit and brood and stew; that's never helpful and can lead to a big downward spiral.

    It can get better.

  •  If you can, (12+ / 0-)

    program your soundtrack. Choose songs you know can help at least get you through another day ("Don't Give Up," "Just One Victory," whatever works for you).

    It feels like cheating, or faking, but it can keep you going through the worst.

    I hope it gets better.

    I live under the bridge to the 21st Century.

    by Crashing Vor on Tue Jan 14, 2014 at 12:53:21 PM PST

  •  I occasionally say jokingly (17+ / 0-)

    'gravity is a harsh mistress'. And she is, no doubt--but she's a rank beginner compared to depression. Depression is the Queen of Mistress', and she will not be ignored.

    I know several/many depressives, and they deal with it in a myriad of ways, from boozing to holing up in a bedroom all the way to meds & cognitive therapy--for years. If there was a definitive cure, I'm sure they would all take whatever it was.

    I have no idea what will work for you, but I have two things to say to you. First, you've taken a good step by writing this diary. Letting folks know things are sucking for you right now does two things. It reconnects you to the human family, for we recognize you as one of us. And it gives us a chance to say: I may not know you, but I wish you weren't suffering. You're not as alone as you feel right now--but that can be impossible to see or feel when in the throes of depression, I know. You are not as alone as you feel right now.
    Secondly--many folks will make suggestions as to what they think you should do. They are offering those ideas because they, too, wish you weren't suffering & they want to alleviate your suffering. They mean well, and are speaking from the heart. Regard them with the kindhearted spirit they are offered in. However--you'll need to find what it is that works for you, and as you know, that ain't easy. I could make a 100 suggestions but they wouldn't be tailored to you. I can only tell you what works for me--and is the 'advice' I give in this case. And that is: Get outta bed everyday. Take a walk in the world. Tell yourself every minute that you are worthy of love & respect.
    That's all I got. I hope you feel better right this minute.

    The better I know people, the more I like my dog.

    by Thinking Fella on Tue Jan 14, 2014 at 01:03:37 PM PST

  •  Hang in there. (10+ / 0-)

    You will get out of this. You can't see it now because the affected organ, your brain, won't let you see it.

    Look into mindfulness meditation.  You don't deny or repress your problems but you see them with a cool, observant eye, overhead as if they were clouds passing by.

    You get to the ones that are important and that you can change, when and as you can.  The rest will wait.

    Suggestion for Facebook: 50 free "starter friends" automatically as soon as you sign up.

    by dov12348 on Tue Jan 14, 2014 at 01:20:04 PM PST

  •  My suggestions (5+ / 0-)

    (and take 'em or leave 'em cause we all are individual in our likes and dislikes)
    1) Goal setting. Write out goals as clear as you can (and I do a lot of rewriting and revamping and reworking all the time.) Goals should be stated as if they are successful right this minute. i.e. "I am loved, I am cherished."

    2) for those goals keep track of where you are with them and what might be the next step you might could take to get there

    3) for those goals keep track of what the universe gives you. Sometimes they are hard to achieve and sometimes the universe comes through like a champ.

    4) BE THANKFUL every day write what I call gratitudes. If you are grateful it helps bring more into your life and it eases depression.

    ALL of our institutions have been hollowed out by the greed ethos. There are none left with heart intact or souls for that matter. So the zombie is all around us - me

    by glitterscale on Tue Jan 14, 2014 at 01:51:35 PM PST

  •  I was going to say "hang in there!" but so (8+ / 0-)

    many already have, that I would feel like a copycat.

    I've suffered from depression since my divorce, and a 10 year custody battle spiraled out of control helping to lose my business, house, bankrucpty, other health issues, etc.

    Don't let the bastards get you down.

    The means is the ends in the process of becoming. - Mahatma Gandhi

    by HoundDog on Tue Jan 14, 2014 at 02:01:50 PM PST

  •  What a psychiatist told me. (6+ / 0-)

    I got hit pretty hard several years ago. First the advice that "everyone" gave me: Don't make any life changing decisions until you get out the other side. And you will get to the other side. Of course one of the things people were worried about was suicide, but there are other things you should avoid. Quitting a job or getting a divorce come to mind.

    In my case it took a good psychiatrist to get me out of it, but his advice is pretty general. This is what he asked me to do, in chronological order. They are all good for anyone, excepting the last.
    1) Eat well. Eat good food and avoid self-medicating with things like sugar and coffee. (Do the best you can; it is hard when you are depressed.)
    2) Exercise! Assuming there is no physical problem with it, get the recommended minimum of 30 minutes per day. (But everything you can do helps.)
    3) Sleep! In my case this was number one; I had been shorting myself a lot.
    4) Keep talking with your LSW therapist. [Mortifyd, if you haven't been talking with a professional, I suggest one or two visits to see whether the "talking cure" would help. ]
    5) [Doug, ] stop the medications that your GP suggested and try this small dose of this Rx. [Sometimes medication can help a lot. ]

    I found both my therapist and psychiatrist by recommendation from, in one case, a friend with experience with her and from, in the second case, another professional who my wife knew to be very knowledgeable.

    And remember, you can get through this. I have known several people with severe depression. The one who didn't survive was the one who didn't ask for help (and whose problem wasn't noticed by anyone else). The rest of us are doing pretty well -- not perfect, but way better than it was.

    Now I need to go get some exercise.... :-)

  •  just to clarify.... (7+ / 0-)

    I am under psychiatric care and have been for the entire time I've been here - and was under some care when I could afford it before I got here.  

    I am being treated not just for depression but also schizophrenia.  I AM on an antidepressant, and I am very very sensitive to them and allergic to whole classes - so I'm limited in what I can tolerate that doesn't interfere with the other things I take.  

    I have been seeing therapists off and on for over 20 years, they do not help with the depression in terms of talk therapy, only meds make a dent in it.  Right now, there is too much depression for the meds to dent. It happens.

    I belong to a gym.  I also take a martial arts class once a week, unless I am sick or so out of it I don't know what day it is.  Getting to the gym has been an issue with my car not running properly, but ColCatLady thinks he's got that fixed at the moment.

    I eat regular healthy meals and have access to plenty of proper nutrition - I grew up eating properly, my younger brother is a type I diabetic.  I don't eat a lot of crap and I get plenty of veg and protein.  I don't actually like things to be sugary or salty and I don't like bread.  Pasta is another matter, but I only have it a couple times a week.

    I sleep plenty, in fact, probably too much.  But given that I'm on anti psychotics - that's not all that unusual.

    I have very clear goals - win my case and get the fuck out of here and go home.  Finish my boat and continue to live on it and keep my expenses low.  Get my life back.  Never ever have to come back other than visit when I feel like it and can leave when I choose.  This is not a healthy environment, either physically or mentally for me, though it was better than the alternative at the time.

    I have to be careful about light - several of the medications make me light sensitive on top of being fair skinned and I am prone to migraines as well as burning.  So I just sort of have to work with it.

    The advice is great, if it was all new and I didn't know which end was up, but I've been around this block more times than I care to admit. I just have to hang on and wait to see what happens in court with SSDI and go from there.

    I appreciate everyone's comments.  Every single one reminds me I'm not alone.

    I'm so fat! Oh, they're going to love me, I'm so marbled! - Jack LeMans, Bounty Killer

    by Mortifyd on Tue Jan 14, 2014 at 03:34:05 PM PST

  •  I think some of your depression will clear up (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Mortifyd, RiveroftheWest

    once you get home. Yes, some of it is clinical and that's why you've been on meds for so long, but some of it is situational concerning your parents. And once you get away from them, that part at least will resolve itself. In the meantime, try to minimize contact with CCL and the horde of cats. I know it's hard, but you're going to have to do that, or learn to ignore him and what he says. You do know when he's just being a pain in the ass, so when he is, take it as that and let his words go over you and past you. Don't let him win by affecting how you think.

    "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

    by FloridaSNMOM on Wed Jan 15, 2014 at 07:34:55 AM PST

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site