When I’m sad, I imagine a centipede wearing 100 tiny rollerblades and freaking the fuck out because it doesn’t know how wheels work.
I hate cyclists. You're driving along enjoying life then fuck you you're stuck driving 10mph behind some dick with way nicer calves than you.
Escalators are a testament to mankind’s laziness. We literally made stairs that climb themselves for us.
I don’t fuck with spiders. You don’t fuck with something that can make a trampoline whenever it wants. You befriend that motherfucker.
Jesus announces he is God’s son
everyone raises hand
No I can’t fly
most hands drop
Or throw lightning
rest of hands drop
"We have very little time to leave our mark on the ever-expanding universe, the human condition is insane. Anyway, buy an iPad." -Apple ads
"No easy way to say it."
What is it, doc?
Give it to me straight
"You tested positive for"
“The enemy of your enemy is not necessarily your friend—And in politics he probably isn't even really the enemy of your enemy.”