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Life Lessons 2014.1

I am just a simple caveman. To separate fact from fiction and right from wrong, I depend on the knowledge and guidance of an exclusive group of scholarly village elders to inform me what is and what ain't. I speak, of course, of the new, improved Republican party. This is a partial list of the things I've learned in January, 2014:

Marriage is all about the peepee and the hoohaw.

Democrats will move heaven and earth to control women's libidos. Republicans will move heaven and earth to unleash men's libidos.

Democrats at the highest levels of government are planning to give the order for goons to destroy retail stores, ransack houses of worship and hold book burnings.

Smiley faces
Russia's anti-LGBT laws are common sense, Muslims are moochers, and it's all the fault of liberals.

By supporting equal pay, access to the health services they need, and a greater role in both the private and public sector, Democrats are denigrating and demeaning women. By passing laws mandating vaginal probes, restricting access to medical services, and reminding them to play second fiddle to their husband, Republicans are supporting women.

Freedom of choice means freedom to choose whether or not to take a chance that the water you're drinking may poison you and your baby.

Whites will never give up the fight against bigotry against them.

Food stamps equals slavery.  

Threatening to blow up the U.S. economy is still considered a sign of patriotism and fiscal responsibility.

The immorality of taking petty political revenge on entire populations of entire towns even though they've done absolutely nothing to hurt you is a lesson that should dawn on you no earlier than your 52nd year of life.  

You can't be a proper candidate for office without having a contest to give away a firearm designed to tear into human flesh on a battlefield.

Democrats caused the government shutdown by bullying the Republicans into causing the government shutdown.

And John McCain, the guy who started the tea party movement by freeing Sarah Palin from the bonds of Wasilla, is a card-carrying liberal.

Wow. And just think of all the exciting things we'll learn from the new and improved Republican party in February!

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, January 27, 2014

Note: Today is random drug test day.  Please go pee in your neighbor's driveway.  Analysis and results assured within 7-10 days unless they get lost in your spam folder which is likely.  Thank you.  ---C&J Dept. of Keeping Our Eye On You Moochers.


Ely Winter Festival logo (Minnesota)
10 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Big Block of Cheese Day: 2
Days 'til the Ely Winter Festival in Minnesota: 10
Percent of Latinos who say they want the government to take action against the dangers of global warming and climate change: 90%
Percent of Republican Latinos who say that it is important for our government to tackle global warming and climate change: 68%
(Source: Natural Resources Defense Council/Latino Decisions)
Union membership in America in 2013, an increase of 162,000: 14.5 million
(Source: Bureau of Labor Statistics)
Percent of sexually-active women who use birth control at some point in their lives: 99%
(Source: Planned Parenthood)
Police and special forces deployed in Russia as security for the Winter Olympics: 40,000
(Source: Bloomberg News)


Puppy Pic of the Day:  Yeah…much better.


President Barack Obama talks with Cody Keenan, Director of Speechwriting, as they work on the State of the Union Address in the Oval Office, Jan. 24, 2014. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)
"Let's end this sentence
with: "By THUNDER!!!"
CHEERS to an evening of bright ideas and soaring rhetoric.  Since my State of the Union drinking game always leaves me under the table within the first ten minutes, I'm thinking of having a munching game tomorrow night instead, because hey what could go wrong with devouring several bags of Cheetos, nachos and Tootsie Pops?  Apparently President Obama is in the "minor tweaking" stage now, and his economic message tomorrow will lean less on "inequality" and more towards phrases like "opportunity" and "mobility."  In fact, even Republicans are admitting behind closed doors that Obama's themes may be so strong and capitalist-embracing that it may take them up to five seconds this year to brand it a communist manifesto.

JEERS to the bullets over Brookstone.  More gun violence over the weekend, including a 19-year-old with an itchy trigger finger at a Columbia, Maryland mall.  Three dead, including the shooter.  The terrifying incident provided an opportunity for a timely reminder.  Namely, that advertisers know no bounds:

Where are you now?” [asked a CNN reporter via phone] …
“I’m a manager at Fire and Ice at the Columbia Mall, near Nordstrom’s.  Fire and Ice is a very unique, fascinating store.  We sell jewelry, fossils, a number of different unique things from all over the world…”
Don’t forget to come on down during their Hold Your Fire Sale!  Meanwhile, the major TV networks issued a joint apology Saturday for not cutting away to breaking news about Justin Bieber fast enough.  Can we ever trust them again?

Too liberal for AZ.
CHEERS to the silly season.  Senator John McCain---he who unleashed the tea party movement on our country by choosing Sarah Palin to be one heartbeat away from the presidency---got his dimpled Arizona butt formally censured by his own team…namely, the Arizona GOP.  Reason: insufficiently conservative.  To put that in perspective, that's like getting tut-tutted by a fellow country club member for not replacing a ball mark on a putting green.  Upon hearing the news, McCain cried all the way to all twelve of his houses.

CHEERS to the good times, Part 1.  On January 27, 1998, President Clinton told the nation during his State of the Union address that the federal government would have a balanced budget in 1999...the first in 30 years.  And then he callously left George W. Bush the back-breaking task of screwing it all up.  (I hear there was a day back in '02 when he actually broke a sweat because he got too close to the money-burning furnace.)

CHEERS to the good times, Part 2.  On January 27, 1999, President Clinton proposed a $350 billion tax cut for Americans because the country was in such good financial shape.  Today we enact tax cuts when we're at war and saddled with massive deficits.  Potato/Puhtahto.

Grammy Award
This amplifier goes to 11.
CHEERS to croonin' and groovin'.  Congrats to the winners last night at the Grammy Awards, including Kathy Griffin for Best Comedy Album (Calm Down Gurrl), Stephen Colbert for Best Spoken Word (America Again: Re-becoming The Greatness We Never Weren't), Led Zeppelin for for Rock Albun (Celebration Day) and Daft Punk for, I think, everything else.  This year also featured the odd but welcome sight of a few dozen couples---including same-sex ones---getting married on-stage.  Hey, you know what I always say: if it makes Keith Urban cry, it's worth doing.  Meanwhile, thanks to the Rap Song award bestowed on Macklemore, the world finally has
its first Grammy-winning song with the words…
I'm so pumped about some shit from the thrift shop
Ice on the fringe, it's so damn frosty
That people like, "Damn! That's a cold ass honkey."
Rollin' in, hella deep, headin' to the mezzanine,
Dressed in all pink, 'cept my gator shoes, those are green
Mark my words, DJs.  That's got "high school prom slow dance" written all over it.


And Just One More/One Year Ago in C&J: January 27, 2013

CHEERS to an opposing verse.  Last year Maine poet Richard Blanco captured the nation's attention when he delivered an amazing inaugural poem full of iconic American imagery with a dstinctly liberal viewpoint.  Since Republicans have to issue a rebuttal to everything, C&J ceded space to the GOP so they could respond with a vision of their own.  Today we publish it anew to remind the nation of how serious they are about their re-branding efforts:

Sun came up,
over our shores, peeking over the topless Smokies glistening with coal, greeting the faces of the Great Lakes and their fracking potential,
spreading a simple truth across the tar sands pipelines of the Great Plains, then charging across the Real America to the Rockies.

Two lapel pins of American flag on gray suit
Trucks heavy with precious bounty from Goldline---or cheesy grits or baked chocolate goodies (you sure these are homemade?)---rumbling over highways
teeming with godless heathen, on their way to pick up welfare checks,
or drugs---or to ring-up chips and beer bought by strapping young bucks with food stamps,
which my mother and me once relied on but, see, we deserved them because...because.

The moochers, having registered to vote a hundred times each under "Mickey Mouse" on behalf of ACORN, stir under the climate-cooling sky,
lips puckered and swollen from suckling at the teat of socialism.

Takers taking.
Our guns, our money, our freedom. They take my lunch order and screw it up. I send it back for another, tho I know
they'll prob'ly spit in it.

Those people.

Chalk squeaks on blackboard: Jesus never rode a dinosaur the earth is not chilling you can't contract your way to prosperity Ronald Reagan wasn't perfect women should be able to make their own health decisions.
So many myths dancing and flickering like flames atop a liberal candelabra, yet no water to extinguish them because of the gay, pagan and feminist-fueled drought that repels God's gift of moisture.

American flag pie
Me. One me.
Mine. All mine.
Keep your government hands off my Medicare.
Cut your Social Security but not mine. I earned mine.

I head home: through the gloss of rain or weight of snow, which reminds me: we have to cut city snow removal from the budget because austerity will lead us
to freedom.

But always home, always under one sky, my sky, not your sky, got it? Got it?!!!
And always one moon, to be colonized via transvaginal probe-shaped shuttlecraft within eight years and maintained by child janitors and blah people.

Like a silent filibuster tapping on every rooftop and every window, of one country---God's chosen red-staters and those freeloading bastard job-killing blue-staters---a new electoral map waiting for us to gerrymander it,
waiting for us to name it.

Limbaugh Land.

[Stunned silence]

Have a tolerable Monday.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

Bill Gates Challenges 23-year-old 'Bill in Portland Maine of Chess,' Mated In 9 Moves
---Digital Trends


On which of these issues have Republicans done a convincing job of "re-branding" their party to make them look less like backwards idiots?

1%74 votes
0%40 votes
0%11 votes
0%14 votes
0%15 votes
0%15 votes
0%32 votes
1%64 votes
93%4132 votes

| 4401 votes | Vote | Results

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