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Ladies and germs, millipedes and marsupials, all creatures great and small, I gotta be honest: Things aren't so great right at the moment here in the good ol' US of A. Unless you're Jamie Dimon or something. Chances are you aren't. Yeah, some people gotta get screwed though, so fat cats can be fat. I mean everybody can't be in the one percent. That's just math.

Now there's been a lot of talk about how we've become a third world nation and all – but when you think about it, it's not all bad. The rich are still rich, the banks are still fat, America's still kickin' ass all over the world, so how bad could it be? Seriously, take it from me, if you had a boatload of money, you'd be fine too. So just relax. Life is still potentially very good.

There's been a lot of commotion about the whole NSA business, but no worries, we're going to reform those guys. We're going to make sure we don't have any more embarrassing Edward Snowden incidents. You can rest assured about that.

We're thinking robots. We've come to realize we could go all robots and drones, and just cut people out of the loop altogether. That ought to save us some money and some headaches too. We're looking into that pretty much across the board.

People. There's your problem. They want to be paid. They want food. They want shelter. They want social justice. There's just no end to their whiny wants and needs. But don't worry. We're working on solutions. You know, rich people need stuff too.

Some folks are complaining that we've gone and cut benefits to our military, both active and retired. Some say it's a shameless and unjust breach of promise. People keep pointing out the hypocrisy of flinging our military so recklessly all over the earth, sending people on never-ending mind-bending combat tours, asking them to fight and die for nothing, destroying their families and their futures while paying our respects with millions and millions of little yellow-ribbon car magnets and cuts to their already meager benefits.

Well, what can I say? There are no laws against hypocrisy. No one said we couldn't be hypocrites. You know there are very strict limits on what we can afford to do for each other. Some folks are just going to have to bite the bullet. And it's not going to be the rich.

And all those stories going around that we're going to bomb and invade Vatican City in response to the new Socialist Pope are false and based purely on unfounded rumors. We're just sending in a limited number of advisors from Seal Team 6. It's all perfectly innocent. We just want to get the pope to tweak his message a little bit. You know, less godless commie feed the hungry bullshit, more rock 'em sock 'em robot drones.

There has been a lot of negativity out there, you know among the moochers and all, folks complaining that their kids can't go to college or will graduate a slave. Well you can't have it both ways. There's no such thing as a free lunch. That's biblical, I think. Education can't possibly be free either. I don't care what you've heard from those Europeans and Africans. Free education is a dastardly lie. Just like free anything. Nothing is free, damn it. Not in America. That's blasphemy.

In America we'd rather see science die than education free. Good riddance intellectualism. You guys made it so hard to do anything without regard to future consequences. You were like anchors around our necks. You made it impossible for self-interest and short-term thinking to rule over science and foresight. You were just a giant pain. Oh the poor dolphins. The bees are dying. What's happening to the frogs? It's going to be a whole lot easier and better for the bottom line to be done with all that bullshit. I mean, fuck posterity. Right?

I know there's a lot of stuff to be gloomy about, like the loss of everything we hold dear, but when it get's you down just look at it like this: we're Duck Dynasty; a bunch of crazy-rich redneck bigots. Who is there to say us nay? That oughta cheer you up.

I'm already a growing my beard.

Thank you, America. Don't ever change.

And remember, kids: Greed Kills.


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