If you can't be kind, begone.
I am dealing with enough crap that Valium barely makes a dent in it. It's not just my husband's recovery from quintuple bypass, with bad news every time we turn around, it's also the complicated relationships within the in-laws, and my complete inability to pretend everything's just fine when it patently isn't. It's caused a deep rift between me and them. Actually, I suspect it just revealed the truth about how they view me, so for once in the 28 years I have been with him, they're showing how they really feel--and it isn't pretty.
So I don't want any lectures on how much better you would handle. And try not to dislocate your shoulder patting yourself on the back about how much better you'd handle. And if you think isn't political enough, don't read it. Although, part of my worry is about how big a co-pay we'll be stuck with after Tricare, which is why I wanted single payer. NOBODY at a time like this when the stress is breaking your heart, should have to worry about co-pays.
He seems to think he'll be discharged sometime between TH and Saturday, most likley Friday. That is really good news. He needs to be home. I want him home. It will be a blessed relief. They also took out the arterial tube , which he refers to as the Frankenstein zipper, and that is a good sign. They are playing with his meds to get thr right balance.
Now comes the bad news. In a moment that can only be referred to as a psychotic episode, I made the mistake of calling MiL in an attempt to explain why I have been so aggressive with the staff.I told her we'd had bad prior experiences. I explained that from day one, I was kinda iffy about what they had claimed about their greatness and being better than Emory. I should have done my homework that very night, but only did the thorough check last night.
At that point I realized she had left the phone on and walked away. She couldn't bear to listen to facts that interfered with her belief.
I called her back. I said very politely, "You really need to understand this information."
She replied with the self-righteousness of a fundy whose faith is threatened, "We are not going to discuss this", and hung up. It's the phone version of stomping off, her normal reaction when she knows someone is right and she's wrong and is not gonna admit it. You'd think I's learn, but truly believed she needed to know, would want to know, about the real reason I have been questioning everything so aggressively.
I hadn't intended to tell Ben, but someone needed to know the truth in order to keep a sharp eye on the docs and the drugs he's being given (not to mention not figuring out he had pneumonia and not noticing a blood clot in the lungs that could be fatal). I apologized for having to give him that news, but he needed to be wary and ask as many questions as necessary and not stop until he felt he wasn't getting the usual half-truth--since I wasn't there to be the bitchy wife who wants to make damned sure she knows going on. I also told him I wasn't going to be able to visit him because that would require having to kiss MiL's ass to get a ride over and that I honestly refused to do that--the price was way too high. I asked him when he gets the news of his discharge to call her and make it damned plain that I better be with her. He asked why he should do it. I told him I didn't believe she'd come and get unless he requested it, after this morning. I also said I intended to bring a book and read the entire trip because I don't want to talk to her.
He said that really it wasn't worth it for me to try to give her facts, that facts are meaningless to her if it interferes with what she prefers to believe. Right now it's pink unicorns and there's really nothing to waste her beautiful mind on, especially not trying to console a heart-broken, terrified woman who spent the trip from the hospital in silent sobs. Acknowledging that maybe I was crying out of terror for a solid reason would have poked holes in her warm fuzzy unreality. And therefore it was easier to ignore my fears and my tears and pretend I wasn't crying my heart out. And for those of you who suggested maybe she wasn't a hugger--she hugs everyone. Except apparently me.
So that's how it's gonna be. And if she starts interfering after we no longer need her help, I have decided to have as little to do with her as possible. She had made it clear that never loved me, didn't like me, barely tolerated me, and considers me a rude, bad-mannered, angry bitch.