From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Happy Presidents' Day!
Woo hoo! I've got my Millard Fillmore tree set up, Andy Williams' classic It's the Most Executive Branchful Time of the Year is playing on the Victrola, and all my coupons are clipped for BIG Pre$ident$' Day $ale-a-bration $aving$ on every mattress in the store!
But look at me, hogging all the Presidents' Day conversation. I'll shut up now and let others spread the POTUS love, courtesy of Joseph Cummins' book, Anything for a Vote and Rating the Presidents by William Ridings, Jr. and Stuart McIver:
"If ever a nation was debauched by a man, the American nation has been debauched by Washington. If ever a nation was deceived by a man, the American nation has been deceived by Washington." (The Philadelphia Aurora)Awesome. Let the mattress sales begin.
"A hideous hermaphroditical character who has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman." (James Callender, hired by Thomas Jefferson to smear John Adams)"A base wretch...who is for WAR!" (DeWitt Clinton supporters on James Madison)If you don't have a POTUS
mouse pad, you're a tyrant.
"Martin Van Buren is laced up in corsets, such as women in town wear, and if possible tighter than the best of them. It would be difficult to say from his personal appearance, whether he was a man or a woman, but for his large red and gray whiskers." (Davy Crockett)
"Miss Nancy" (Andrew Jackson on James Buchanan)
"He is a horrid-looking wretch. Sooty and scoundrelly in aspect, a cross between the nutmeg dealer, the horse-swapper, and the nightman." (The Charleston Mercury on Abraham Lincoln)
"Tweedledum and Tweedledee" (Woodrow Wilson on Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard Taft)
"A fathead with the brains of a guinea pig" (Teddy Roosevelt on William Howard Taft)
"If you vote for Nixon, you might go to hell." (Harry Truman)
"These guys are the most crooked, you know, lying group of people I've ever seen." (John Kerry on the '04 Bush campaign)
“No one has ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this is the place that we were born and raised.” (Mitt Romney, going full birther on Obama. Romney lost in a landslide.)
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, February 17, 2014
Note: Due to the Presidents' Day holiday, C&J will appear as scheduled. We regret the inconvenience.
Days 'til St. Patrick's Day: 28
Days 'til the Zilker Kite Festival in Austin: 13
Percent of Americans who believe different rules apply for the well-connected and wealthy: 80%
(Source: McClatchy poll)
Age at which men and women, respectively, say a woman is old: 70/70
Age at which men and women, respectively, say a man is old: 68/70
(Source: AARP poll)
Number of presidents who worked as a janitor: 2 (Garfield, Lyndon Johnson)
Number of presidents who worked for the U.S. Postal Service: 2 (McKinley, Lincoln)
Current U.S. Olympic Medal Count
Gold: 4 Silver: 4 Bronze: 8
Puppy Pic of the Day: Cute presidential dogs quiz
CHEERS and JEERS to a frustrating verdict. So, in a nutshell (or should that be bullet casing?), Michael Dunn will get a minimum of twenty years each for not killing three kids in an act of parking-lot rage, but he gets nothing for actually killing a fourth kid in an act of parking-lot rage. As I often do when my brain feels a little scrambled, I turn to the goddess Digby to boil it down (my bold):
[T]he fundamental problem here isn't only this radical interpretation of the concept of self defense. It's about the guns. … [T]hese minor beefs---like texting in a movie theater---would very rarely be deadly if people weren't packing heat! That's the real issue here. …There are three slivers of good news here: first, Dunn goes to prison for the rest of his life. Second, the prosecution plans to re-try him on Murder One. And third, there's now zero chance of a fool-stunt boxing match between Zimmerman and Dunn.
This is about power, which is probably why we see so many cases of unarmed black kids being shot. … There are just too many guns around and apparently there's nothing we can do about it. So, most of us will keep our heads down and our mouths shut and let these bullies call it freedom.
JEERS to the Apostrolypse. To help solve the mystery of how, exactly, one spells today's holiday, I performed my annual ritual of consulting the blizzard of ads appearing in The Portland (Maine) Press Herald to get some clarity. This year's batch:
Hub Furniture: President's DayWe trust this clears up any confusion.
Sears: Presidents' Day
Quirk Chevrolet: Presidents Week
Bill Dodge: President's Celebration
Joseph's Clothier: President's DayThe reason for the season.
Staples: Presidents' Day
Namco: President's Week
Pape Chevrolet: Presidents' Day
Selby Shoes: President's Day
Michaels: Presidents Day
Sleepy's Mattress Professionals: Presidents' Day
Southern Maine Chrysler Dodge Jeep: Presidents' Day & President's Day
Berlin City Auto Group: Presidents Day & Presidents' Day
Charlie's Car Dealerships: Presidents' Day (last year it was President's Day)
America's Mattress: Presidents Day (last year it was President's Day)
Cabot House: Presidents' Day (last year it was Presidents Day)
JCPenney: Presidents' Day
Sports Authority: Presidents' Day
And the trifecta:
Prime Auto: Presidents Day, Presidents' Day & President's Day
JEERS to blades of molasses. At the winter Olympics in Sochi, our American speed skaters ran into trouble with slow times because of what they believed was a flaw in their "Mach 39" skating apparel, which was billed as the "fastest suit ever made." So they got permission to change them and they still ended up posting in the back of the pack. Officials say it's the first time in Olympic history speed skaters have ever gotten lapped by a Zamboni.
CHEERS to legal libations. On this date in 1933, the U.S. Senate passed the Blaine Act, which effectively ended prohibition. Who says Christmas comes in December?
CHEERS to the new kid behind Johnny's desk. Jimmy Fallon takes over the Tonight Show tonight. Among his guests this week: Seinfeld tomorrow and Michelle Obama Thursday. I hope he doesn't forget the current rules of the opening monologue:
> Fat jokes are still hilariousWe wish Fallon all the best. If he puts a cute animal on his head once a week, he'll be fine.
> Jokes based on the false premise that Obamacare is a total failure are still hilarious
> Jokes based on the false premise that Democrats and Republicans are equally bad are still hilarious
> Women getting their period jokes are still hilarious
> Horny Bill Clinton jokes are still hilarious
> And fat jokes are still still hilarious!
Five years ago in C&J: February 17, 2009
JEERS to Captain Crabby and his all-star Crabettes. So, to sum up the atmosphere in Washington D.C. today: "You're off to a bad start and you need to change," says the 70-percent disapproval party to the 70-percent approval president. And get a haircut!
JEERS to uranium-rod rage. Details are sketchy, but apparently a sea captain failed to heed the little sign on his craft that says, OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR, resulting in an unexpected mashup between...oh, it's hardly worth mentioning...a a fully-armed British and a fully-armed French nuclear submarine. It's okay---they were equipped with airbags.
And just one more…
JEERS to weekend wankers. A little retro-hilarity here. Here's a David Brooks moment I found from half a dozen years back that rivals his famous Applebee's salad bar remark. This is from his appearance on The Chris Matthews Show:
fake workers at fake factory?
Responding to Chris Matthews' question, "[W]ill Barack Obama's oratorical ability on the lectern in front of big rooms continue to be his winning edge?" The New York Times' David Brooks said: "Yes, but he's got to get away from colleges. Go visit a factory for once." In fact, Obama delivered what his campaign called a "major economic policy address" at a Wisconsin General Motors factory a few days before Brooks made his comment.It's just a little reminder of why you should always pick your pundits carefully. My rule: stick to the ones who don’t make shit up.
Have a tolerable Monday. For added zing to your day, hum Hail To The Chief every time you walk into a room. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"So let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is getting stuck in an elevator with Bill in Portland. I mean, amiright, people? Amiright???"-