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An Open Letter to Conservative Bible Thumpers

cartoon crown
From the Couch of Bill in Portland Maine

Dear Conservative Bible Thumpers,

As a gay man, I shouldn’t be helping you out like this. But you guys are floundering so badly on the gay-rights front, that I'm almost starting to feel sorry for you.

I mean, think about it: according to you, you have Jesus on your side, God on your side, right on your side, morality on your side, sanctity on your side, history on your side, tradition on your side, more money than you know what to do with, busy think tanks, ex-gay therapists working their hearts out to pray away the gay, a huge media machine, and email lists that are the envy of western civilization. I mean, sure, Ted Haggard and that founder of NARTH who hired the rent-a-boy are out of the fight. But you still have Bryan Fischer, Tony Perkins and Phyllis Schlafly, right? You should be cleaning our clock.

And yet, lately you just keep losing. You haven't had one judge in the land rule in your favor---not even one appointed by a Republican president you embraced so tightly when he was in office. You lost in Utah, Kentucky, Virginia and Oklafreakinhoma? I can't believe that entering the Old Testament as "Exhibit A" in those court cases didn't uncork the wrath of God at least once.

And what's the matter with Kansas? You guys should've passed that turn-away-the-gays bill without breaking a sweat. Same with bills in Tennessee and Idaho and the constitutional amendment in Indiana. But you self-sabotaged them all because of a little public revulsion? Seriously…you think God is going to reward that kind of punch-pulling in the hereafter? You're like holy rollers with square wheels. You'll be lucky to earn a berth on a bunk bed in Heaven's boiler room.

Seeing you up to your stiff-collared necks in embarrassing defeat after embarrassing defeat, I thought I'd pull an all-nighter on your behalf and come up with at least one idea to help buck up your spirits and take your mind off the fact that your side has zero points on the scoreboard so far this year, while my side has, like, 5  23  51  90.

And then it hit me: bowling. Yes. You can't go wrong with bowling. Have fun!



Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 20, 2014

Note: We interrupt this blog to bring you Breaking News: Rand Paul says "Texas is going to become a Democrat state if we don't change."  And we interrupt this Breaking News to bring you this Breaking Breaking News: Texas is going to become a Democrat state.  Now back to your regularly-scheduled blogging

Big Gay Ice Cream Social, Miami Beach FL  2/22/14
2 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til International Women's Day: 16
Days 'til Miami Beach's Big Gay Ice Cream Social to promote marriage equality in Florida: 2
Margin by which both liberals and tea partiers believe that protecting citizens' privacy rights should be a higher priority than protecting them from terrorists: 2:1
(Source: AP-GfK poll)
Percent of ACA enrollees who are between 55 and 64: 31%
Percent of baby boomers who have unpaid medical bills: 20%
(Source: AP/University of PA-Wharton)
Age of Heimlich Maneuver doctor Henry Heimlich, who just
released his memoirs: 94

Current U.S. Olympic Medal Count
Gold: 7  Silver: 5  Bronze: 11


Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

Molly ivins publicity photo  --- small
Now we've won the war. It's not clear what we've won, but we've definitely won, which is better than losing. So we take the prisoners we've captured off to our base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and suddenly announce that they are not prisoners of war after all, because this isn't really a war we've been fighting. Therefore the prisoners are "illegal combatants," and we don't have to treat them in accord with the Geneva Convention on POWs.

This is why a lot of people hate us. For the sheer bloody arrogance of having it both ways all the time.
---February, 2002


Puppy Pic of the Day: One reason why pipes can be just as dangerous as cigarettes…


CHEERS to Miracle on Ice II: Let's Finnish This Thing.  Dictator Vladimir Putin got Jesse Owensed yesterday when Finland's quarter-final victory over his beloved Russian hockey team left him slack-jawed and fuming.  Booman points to a post by Chris Chase at USA Today for perspective:

Vladimir Putin in hockey gear
Vladimir Putin, moments after
shooting into the wrong goal.
Remember that Olympic ring that didn’t open at the Opening Ceremony? The hockey team losing in the quarters is like if four rings didn’t light up, then the one that did crashed to the ground, exploded and resulted in those cuddly mascots catching on fire. Russia’s collapse is the most disappointing Olympic result for a host nation in decades (if not ever).
In 1980, when I was in high school, I got a T-shirt that reads "Puck You, Russia" in honor of Team USA's Miracle on Ice.  I pulled it out yesterday.  It still fits.  As a sock.

Elderly woman pushing cart
Hauling Satan's lust-inducing apparel home.
CHEERS to poor poutrage planning.  Speaking of T-shirts, in Salt Lake City, a woman with 19th century morality on her mind and a credit card in her hand stomped into a store and bought out all the "filthy" (read: scantily-clad-ladies) T-shirts that she saw in a store window, so that no one else could wear such decadence on their sleeve…or something.  The store raked in $567 from her.  But when asked what she planned to do with them, the woman said she would return them later and get her money back.  And then the store will put the now-famous T-shirts back in the window and, cashing in on their notoriety, charge double and sell out in a day.  Later this year she'll be inducted into the Unintentional Consequences Hall of Fame.

CHEERS to a pleasant commute.  I couldn't possibly let today go by without giving a shoutout to my home state homey and hero.  Fifty-two years ago today, on February 20, 1962, Ohio native (and future senator) John Glenn took a little trip into space, which The Atlantic recreates here:

President Barack Obama presents former United States Marine Corps pilot, astronaut, and United States Senator John Glenn with a Medal of Freedom, Tuesday, May 29, 2012, during a ceremony at the White House in Washington. Photo Credit: (NASA/Bill Ingalls)
Glenn gets his overdue
Medal of Freedom.
Five minutes and four seconds into the flight of the Friendship 7, as John Glenn prepared to become the first American to orbit Earth, he radioed to NASA, his capsule turned and brought the Earth into sight. "Oh, that view is tremendous," he said. […] Shortly after reaching orbit, his gave his first description of an earthly phenomenon from orbit. "This is Friendship Seven," he said, "Can see clear back; a big cloud pattern way back across towards the Cape. Beautiful sight."
Glenn orbited the world three times aboard Friendship 7 in just under five hours.  A little weed and I can do that aboard LaZBoy 1 in under 30 seconds.

CHEERS to a sure sign of spring. Pardon my French, but fuck the groundhog. (Oops…I think I just made Rick Santorum faint.)  I feel warmer already, just knowing that the full-squad workouts for the Boston Red Sox start today:

Cover of Sporting News on red Sox 2004 World Series win,
I do believe! I do!!!
Unlike last year at this time, when nobody knew quite what to expect, there is great excitement surrounding manager John Farrell's team entering 2014.  And also the same expectation from the manager for short-term focus.  "There's 29 other teams that are trying to do the same thing that we are, and that's to prepare for a championship season," Farrell said. "We respect everyone that we play against.  I don't think we're focused on the end result. The first day of Spring Training is shortly in front of us.  Our focus is on getting back to a building-block approach that we used last year to prepare for Opening Day."
That's exactly right, so I'm not going to do any pre-gloating or bleating about finishing the upcoming season at #1 again.  It simply wouldn't be fair to the rest of the teams who will be pitching, catching and batting their hearts out for the #2 spot.  Go get 'em!

"CHEERS!" to fixing the worst domestic mistake in American history. On February 20, 1933, Congress proposed the 21st Amendment, which would repeal the 18th (also known as "that no-good stinkin' prohibition").  Once it was adopted, the booze again flowed free and unfettered.  C&J will be performing a historical reenactment of that moment in our living room around 9 this morning.  Same as we do the other 364 days of the year.


Five years ago in C&J: February 20, 2009

CHEERS to northern exposure.  President Obama will cash in some of his 20 million accrued frequent POTUSflyer miles today so he can spend six hours in Canada.  After riding in a tickertape Zamboni parade, he'll discuss the environment and the economy (and probably get a little lecture about protectionism) with various muckety mucks, and also learn how to properly use the various subtle shadings of "Eh."  But the real theme of his trip is: "You can all come out of your homes now...the Sith lords are gone and the Jedi are in control south of the border."  Just before leaving he'll join Prime Minister Harper in releasing Celine Dion back into the wild.


And just one more…

CHEERS to must-see TV.  So far I've got a mixed reaction to Jimmy Fallon's debut as host of the Tonight Show. His monologues and opening gags have been underwhelming, but his guest interviews are very funny.  Tonight First Lady Michelle Obama drops by, and I'm guessing that tomorrow morning the intertubes will be buzzing with the highlights.  Like last time, when they nailed the evolution of Mom Dancing:

Hard to top that.  But I expect they'll try.

Have a nice Thursday.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

The first trailer for Marvel's "Cheers and Jeers" has pretty much the entire internet talking about what looks like the strangest comic book movie ever.


John Kerry has been Secretary of State for a year. How would you rate his overall job performance so far?

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