Whoever invented hockey probably just wanted to see what would happen if you let a bunch of angry guys wear knives on their feet.
I hate when I show up to a bank robbery and another guy is wearing the same Reagan mask.
Slow and steady wins the race ¹
¹ Applies only in situations where opponent defies all logic and takes a nap during the event.
I bet the inventor of "portion control" didn't get invited to many parties.
According to the Bible, the first thing God did was create light. So before that, this creepy motherfucker just hung out alone in the dark.
If someone messes with you, call them a grandmotherfucker to let them know you’re really into swearing.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
“Try holding a pillow over his face"
My will is written on a post it note and just says, "snort cremation ashes."