From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
One Fine Morning in Arizona
Shop owner: Hello! Welcome to Widget Barn! How can I help you in a totally heterosexual way?
Customer: Yes, I'm looking for a widget.
Shop owner: In a totally heterosexual way?
Shop owner: It's my sincere religious belief that I can only serve heterosexuals here. You…are heterosexual, I presume.
Customer: How can you tell?
Shop owner: Well, you drove up in a Chevy pickup. You're wearing a John Deere hat. Those work boots have clearly gotten a workout in the heterosexual dirt…
Customer: I'm not lisping.
Shop owner: That, too!
Customer: I'm not prancing. I'm not dropping any soap. I'm not humming Donna Summer…
Shop owner: …or YMCA.
Customer: Still, I could be putting on an act. You know how good gays are at acting. I hear Hollywood's full of them.
Shop owner: Well, are you gay?
Customer: I don’t know. Am I?
Shop owner: I don’t know.
Customer: Your sincerely-held religious beliefs forbid you from selling to gays, but you don't even know one when you see one?
Shop owner: I... But... Look, do you want a widget or not?
Customer: Sorry, but my sincerely-held religious beliefs forbid me from buying from bigots.
Shop owner: Good lord. The world sure is full of rude people.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Note: Today in the C&J lounge, all drinks are half-off for subhuman mongrels. To make up the difference, the rest of you pay double. ---mgt-
Years to the day since George Zimmerman murdered Trayvon Martin, got away with it, and proceeded to live the rest of his life as an unrepentant jerk: 2
Days 'til the 134th Bok Kai Festival in Marysville, California: 3
Cost of the wild boar statue purchased by former Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych for his country estate: $115,000
Inches of rain that've fallen this year in Los Angeles, versus 10.5" in a normal year: 1.2"
Number of U.S. breweries that were operating in 2012, the highest since the 1880s: 2,403
Percent chance that a majority of Americans now live within 10 miles of a brewery: 100%
(Source: The Portland Press Herald)
Percent chance that Connecticut Governor Dan Malloy cut Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal down to size right in front of him for being a lying jerk: 100%
(Watch it here.)
Puppy Pic of the Day (hat tip to AnotherMassachusettsLiberal): Jus' Strummin'
CHEERS to a very merry homecoming Christmas? President Santa Obama has opened the possibility of giving America a whopper of a present at the end of the year:
a pair of socks all our troops home from Afghanistan…
all this behind...not.
…should the Afghan government refuse to sign a security agreement with the U.S, the White House said Tuesday. However, in a call with Afghan President Hamid Karzai, Obama also said the U.S. could still keep a limited troop presence in Afghanistan after 2014 if the agreement is ultimately signed. He acknowledged that Karzai was unlikely to sign the bilateral security agreement himself, leaving the fate of the continued U.S. troop presence in Afghanistan to the winner of the country's April elections.I'm throwing my support behind whichever candidate has the most unfamiliarity with writing instruments.
CHEERS to a lighter world. Wow---Michelle Obama's nutrition and fitness initatives appear to be paying dividends:
Obesity in children ages 2-5 has declined 43 percent in the last decade, according to Centers for Disease Control data released today in the Journal of the American Medical Association.Unfortunately not all the news is good. Adults aren't doing so well. Especially adults aged 49 years, 6 months and 21 days who are currently sitting on the couch deciding whether to wash their bowl of breakfast candy corn down with Budweiser or PBR. Yeah---like there's a difference.
Nearly 14 percent of the nation’s young ones were considered obese in 2004 compared to a little over 8 percent in 2012.
JEERS to boys and their destructive toys. On February 26, 1903, the inventor of the rapid-fire Gatling gun, Richard Gatling, died. His last words: "Of course it's not loaded. Would I be sitting here cleaning my gun if it was l…
JEERS to bad timing. So I decided to take the plunge into the exciting world of Bitcoin!, the hip and edgy currency equivalent of a rebellious teenager who's blowin' this soul-crushing steel mill town to live in the big city and pursue his dream of becoming a dancer! So I sunk the last $350 million I had into the impregnable "Mt. Gox" bitcoin exchange and…and…
The website of major bitcoin exchange Mt. Gox is offline Tuesday amid reports it suffered a debilitating theft, a new setback for efforts to gain legitimacy for the virtual currency. The URL of Tokyo-based Mt. Gox was returning a blank page. The disappearance of the site follows the resignation Sunday of Mt. Gox CEO Mark Karpeles from the board of the Bitcoin Foundation, a group seeking legitimacy for the currency. … A theft of that magnitude would equate to losses of $350 million at current bitcoin prices.Oh well. Only a dozen years 'til my Social Security kicks in. :(
JEERS to Bratman. During campaign season, Republicans are fond of riling up the base on spending issues by repeating: "It's your money! It's your money!" But then they get elected and suddenly---Zing!---it's no longer your money! Exhibit A: Maine Teapublican and walking human disaster Paul LePage, who just…
…ordered the state treasurer to stop issuing voter-approved bonds, in response to the Legislature’s plan to use money from the state’s rainy day fund to restore aid to Maine’s cities and towns. State Treasurer Neria Douglass, a Democrat, said the Republican governor’s decision to stop borrowing for critical construction projects, such as repairs and improvements to the state’s ports, community colleges and road system, will harm contractors that are preparing to work on the projects. She said it also sends a message to bond-rating agencies that Maine can’t be trusted to follow through on its commitments. “This flip-flopping and lack of consideration may hurt us,” Douglass said in an interview Friday.Maine voters overwhelmingly ordered the state to spend money now on patching up our roads and ports and bridges and, well, basically keeping a lot of our necessary infrastructure from falling apart. But our governor is using those voter-approved bonds as a hostage in a dispute with legislators over something entirely different. But at least he hasn’t stolen any candy from babies lately. He only pulls out that tactic when he's demanding more tax cuts for the rich.
JEERS to the first try. On today's date in 1993, a bomb went off inside a parking garage under the World Trade Center in New York. Six people died and over a thousand were injured. It was a real test for newly-minted President Bill Clinton who, as I recall, caught the evildoers and threw 'em in jail. And we all lived happily ever after. Right? (I've been kinda busy the last 21 years...)
CHEERS to Billy restraint. So this exchange happened yesterday after I tweeted my afternoon baking experience. I did not solicit or expect the response, but it is so full of win, I must share:
@BillinPortland It's always nice to have an extra big one! :)— Pillsbury (@Pillsbury) February 25, 2014
I'll let your mind take it from there. I have no doubt it's up to the task.
Five years ago in C&J: February 26, 2009
JEERS to night of the living brain-dead GOP. What IS their problem???
• Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning proudly predicts Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will be dead in nine months.No, sir. But I think we have a good way of finding out who is crazy. It's called a mirror. Look into it.
• Alabama Senator Richard Shelby suggests that President Obama might not be an American citizen.
• Missouri Representative Roy Blunt insists that President Obama is trying to create a depression...so he can save us from it.
• GOP chairman Michael Steele goes from saying that "I think that’s an important opportunity for us, absolutely" to consider civil unions for gays...to saying "No, no no. What would we do that for? What are you, crazy?"
And just one more…
CHEERS to nighttime Joe. Seth Meyers started hosting his new Late Night gig this week, and Vice President Biden showed up to…well, to be Vice President Biden. Among other things (like Amy Pohler briefly sitting on his lap---imagine how many fingers she'da lost trying that with Cheney), we finally learned why Joe was pointing his finger so enthusiastically at a specific senator during his boss's State of the Union address:
Just like reality, humor has a liberal bias.
Have a nice Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:-
The share of Americans who said Bill in Portland Maine would improve in the next six months declined to a four-month low.