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Time once again to play History: Cruel…or Kind?

Round 1

Over a thousand people participate in a mid-winter climate-change rally in Washington D.C. It's the first of what will be several such protests in 2014 organized to help persuade President Obama to say no to the Keystone XL pipeline and ramp up our clean energy program faster.

History will be kind because the march---and the hundreds of civil-disobediance arrests that followed it---sends President Obama a strong message that he can unilaterally stop the pipeline from being extended, and the planet will forever be in his debt.

History will be cruel because if you don't bathe in crude oil you hate America. Besides, everyone knows solar and wind have Marxist tendencies.

Verdict: History will be KIND. At least until the giant asteroid gets us.

Round 2
Russian President Vladimir Putin rips off his shirt, saddles up his saber-tooth tiger and invades the Crimea region of Ukraine.

History will be kind because Russia's propaganda ministry says history will be kind. Now sit down, shut up, and eat your borscht or we'll make you listen to polka versions of Pussy Riot's greatest hits.

History will be cruel because Russia's foreign minister failed to hold up a single vial of baby powder at the U.N., a clumsy rookie mistake.

Verdict: History will be CRUEL. There is no military threat to Russia. Occupation will cost more than Putin thinks it will. He's going to war with the army he has, not the army he wishes to have at a later time. He won’t be greeted as a liberator. He won’t find his long-lost Soviet-era mojo in the area around Kiev and east, west, south and north somewhat. And the Ukrainian people are not in their last throes. In fact, all he's doing is giving Bill Kristol a woody over the thought of an all-out nuclear exchange. Foisting that image on the world may be the cruelest act of all.

Round 3
Sarah Palin plans to bask in the spotlight as the closing keynoter at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), which starts Thursday in the traditional-values heartland of "real America" known, D.C.

History will be kind because The mixed metaphors! The mangled history! The paranoia! The hand notes! It's enough to make baby Jesus laugh.

History will be cruel because The mixed metaphors! The mangled history! The lying! The convincing of gullible attendees that the rich and the Christians are the truly oppressed in America. It's enough to make grown-up Jesus barf.

Verdict: History will be KIND. America could use a good chuckle. Besides, at least she's not hot-tubbin' with the Koch brothers in the VP's residence, one John McCain heartbeat away from being the owner of the "nukular football code unlockin' machine." For the millionth time: thank you, American voters.

Next time: history judges elf PACs, the return of the catapult, and Grandma.

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Note: To remove the printer cartridge from the printer cartridge blisterpack, simply call 911 and an emergency responder will be dispatched to release it using the Jaws of Life.  For faster service, make sure they lean on their sirens. ---Mgt.

SXSW 2014 logo
3 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Daylight Saving Time: 5
Days 'til SXSW in Austin: 3
Approximate amount of extra time Americans now work versus in 1976: 1 month
(Source: Bureau of Labor Statistics)
Percent of Americans in their 40s and 60s, respectively, who believe that growing older has been easier than they thought it would be: 39%, 59%
Percent of Americans in their 40s and 60s, respectively, who believe that they have more energy for their age than they expected: 24%, 55%
(Source: AARP survey)
Value of the Maine lobster catch in 2013, up six percent from last year: $364 million
(Source: Maine Dept. of Marine Resources)
Approximate ounces of alcohol consumed in the movie Animal House, co-written by the late Harold Ramis: 18,040
(Source: Entertainment Weekly)


Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:

The Telescope, namely, L U C I F E R, Owned by the VATICAN, MISSED YOU, I guess!!!
---ShirleyAnne at World Net Daily
All together now: 1…2…3… Classy!


Puppy Pic of the Day:  Saved!


CHEERS to an early St. Patrick's Day.  Your eyes are not deceiving you---that is a rainbow over the White House, and at the end of it is a great big pot of budget!!!  Yes, it's that time again---the day the President releases his 39,000-page monstrosity that will gut the military, coddle the moochers, bankrupt our healthcare system and destroy the job-creating engine of our economy!!!  Or, if you prefer it in non-Fox News speak:

House Budget Committee member Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) holds a copy of U.S. President Barack Obama's FY2014 budget proposal on Capitol Hill in Washington April 10, 2013. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque
The budget was crafted around America's kitchen
table, which explains all the Cheetos stains in it.
President Obama will propose a series of changes to the tax code in a budget plan Tuesday that would shift benefits from top earners to middle- and lower-income Americans, the White House said.  In his 2015 budget plan, Obama will propose expanding or making permanent tax credits aimed at the working poor, families with young children, and college students. Obama’s budget would also expand access to retirement savings for people who do not have an employer-sponsored retirement plan.

The new tax breaks would be offset by eliminating tax rules that have benefited top earners.

And also in this budget there's no attempt to cut Social Security.  If anyone asks, those aren’t gnats buzzing around the homes of Simpson and Bowles.  They're grief counselors.

Senator Bob Corker (R-TN) speaks to reporters during the 14th day of the partial government shut down in Washington on October 14, 2013. U.S. senators said they were closing in on a deal on Monday that would reopen the government and push back a possible
When Corker lied, a union deal died.
JEERS to lying liars.  Let's check in with Tennessee Senator Bob Corker, who promised two weeks ago that within two weeks Volkswagen would bring a new product line to its Chatanooga plant if workers hoisted their middle finger at the UAW and nixed the thought of unionizing.  I can't wait to find out what kind of awesome vehicle they're getting:
So far, there’s little sign of any pending announcement. … “There is no way I’d put out a statement like I put out unless I was 1,000% that it was accurate in every way,” Corker said at the time.
And yet, at the moment there's a 1,000% chance there's no new car line being introduced.  In fairness, though, I believe there's a reasonable explanation.  Since VW is a German car company, Corker was talking about two "metric weeks," which in this country means "I lied."

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream logo/store sign
The Vermont state seal
CHEERS to the land of milk and hippies.  Happy birthday, Vermont!!! You became our 14th state on March 4, 1791.  Besides Ben and Jerry, Bernie Sanders, Patrick Leahy and a nuclear power plant that makes me nervous, Vermont is home to Howard Dean, who became the first governor to pass civil unions for same-sex couples and exclaimed, "YOU have the power!"  It's also the birthplace of the 21st U.S. President Chester Arthur and the 30th U.S. President and founding member of The Village People, Calvin Coolidge, who slept ten hours a day and once murmered, "When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results."  Saaaaaa…lute!

Cartoon sailboat
The planned Ark of Noah
(Stoned artist's rendering.)
JEERS to aiding and abetting the frenemy.  Here's the problem with debating the Bible literalists, as science guy Bill Nye did recently with creationist Ken Ham: despite winning every argument (duh), the media-hyped Nye-Ham slam caused a flood of cash to flow into the Creationism "Museum's" coffers.  In fact, they now have enough green to finish building their "life-size" Noah's ark.  And people will flock to it and gasp, "That's exactly what the real one looked like!"  Meanwhile, Paramount Pictures has agreed to run a disclaimer for their upcoming "Noah" movie saying that what you're watching isn’t like what really didn’t happen, but more like a creative interpretation of what really didn’t happen.  Good call.  You wouldn’t want to confuse people.  I can't wait to see how they react when they find out the flick was interpreted a la Bob Fosse and God starts the flood with Jazzhands!!!

CHEERS to walking into a hornet's nest.  Man, talk about hitting the ground running.  On March 4, 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated.  And on March 4, 1933, Franklin Roosevelt was inaugurated. Lincoln led the country through the Civil War.  FDR led the country through the Great Depression and World War II.  The crop of Republicans who believed they could rise to the same level of greatness in the last presidential election year included Gingrich, Perry, Bachmann, Paul the Elder, Cain, Santorum and Romney.  I wrote that last sentence because it's my job to make you laugh.

JEERS to being at the right place at the wrong time.  First they said they weren't sure there was a leak at a nuclear waste dump in New Mexico.  Then they admitted there was a leak, but it was hardly worth mentioning.  Then people in Oklahoma said they were worried some of the leakage might end up in their state.  And now we find out that 13 workers at the nuclear waste dump ended up with some of the leakage inside their bodies:

Men in hazmat suits
For your own protection, please wear a
hazmat suit when entering the kiddie pool.
The workers inhaled plutonium and americium, which if lodged in the body bombards internal organs with subatomic particles for the rest of the person’s lifetime. … Drugs can be given to people who have absorbed radioactive materials: chemicals that bind with those materials and speed up excretion. But these drugs have health risks of their own and may introduce extra risk if the level of contamination is low, Mr. Franco said.
For now federal investigators are guardedly optimistic.  Only two workers so far have expressed a desire to swim across the Pacific and pick a fight with Mothra.


Five years ago in C&J: March 4, 2009

CHEERS to fourteen more days of FABULOUS RICHES!  The Senate, bless their ch'chingin' little hearts, voted to keep the republic awash in money for two more weeks.  So now, instead of the government being non-functional due to a lack of money, the government will continue to be non-functional due to it being the government.


And just one more…

CHEERS to Mardi Gras!  Nothing but decadence and gluttony on the schedule today as Americans celebrate the religious observance of, um, decadence and gluttony.  (I'm a bit behind in my Bible studies---43 years to be precise.)  As I understand it, if I display some boobs you'll throw me some beads.  Right?  Okay then, check out these babies:

Rick Perry and Ted Cruz.
I'd like my beads to be made out of trillion-dollar platinum coins, please.

Okay, gluttons, let's go raid the fridge.  At Denny's.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

Slaving away with little time to read Cheers and Jeers doesn't make America more productive. It makes us sick, stressed and stupid.
---Brigid Schulte


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