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Everything I Learned About Life I Learned From The Current House Majority

>> Think outside the box. Specifically, the box where you keep your morals.

>> Overpromise. Underdeliver.

>> Criticism of the president stops at the water's edge unless that criticism involves Benghazi, Syria, Israel, Ukraine, Iran, Russia or any other place on earth.

>> An ounce of ethics is worth a pound of dirt.

Elephant in graduation gown
Thanks for the lessons, GOP.
>> There's only one way to acknowledge the less fortunate in our society: reluctantly.

>> To avoid injury, keep your knees springy when teeing off.

>> Strong, uncompromising regulation is very important to maintain a properly-functioning democratic society, and penalties should include jail time for lawbreakers.

(Note: the above applies only to regulation of the female reproductive system. Otherwise, strong, uncompromising de-regulation is very important to maintain a properly-functioning democratic society.)

>> Keep your government hands off my regular government salary increase.

>> When in doubt, cut the mic and adjourn the meeting.

>> Remember the key to good sportsmanship: moving your opponent's goalposts back anytime they get close to it.

>> Aid for rural folks who have fallen on tough times is helping real Americans pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Aid for urban folks who have fallen on tough times is encouraging inner-city moochers.

>> The best part of life is recess, so spend as much time in it as possible.

Okay, let's drink. Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, March 17, 2014

Note: Today we are all Irish.  Tomorrow: back to being ferns.


the Bourbon, Bacon, Beer and BBQ Festival in New Haven Connecticut 2014 logo
5 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til spring: 3
Days 'til the Bourbon, Bacon, Beer and BBQ Festival in New Haven, Connecticut: 5
Percent of 18-29 year-olds who get most of their news from the internet: 71%
(Source: MSNBC)
Percent of Republicans under 30 who support gay couples getting married: 61%
Percent of Republicans over 50 who support gay couples getting married: 27%
(Source: Pew Survey)
Estimated amount that will be spent on pets this year: $60 billion
(Source: American Pet Products Association)
Odds of randomly picking a perfect NCAA bracket: 1 in 9,223,372,036,854,775,808
(Source: God)


NEW!  Your Monday Michigan Moment

Brought to you by the 2014 Netroots Nation Convention in Detroit, June 20-23.  In the late 80s when I lived in Saginaw I toodled down to the Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn.  The signature exhibit there is, of course…

Tucker car at the Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn Michigan
Gotta have a Tucker.
Driving America...the world’s premier automotive exhibition.  Centered around an unparalleled collection of historically significant vehicles, this remarkable mix of authentic artifacts, digital media, interactive play and personal accounts focuses on the enormous influence the automobile has had on American culture---from the automotive innovations that have changed our lives to the everyday choices we make.
It's an almost overwhelming experience, but a must-see.  Among the artifacts there: Kennedy's assassination car, the Rosa Parks bus, a nuclear powered automobile, and Bill Elliott's record-breaking race car that clocked 212 MPH at Talledega.  Also the Lincoln assassination chair and George Washington's camp bed, just in case cars aren't your thing.


Puppy Pic of the Day:  Just do it.


CHEERS to the Irish.  I'm Swiss, so I'm totally neutral about St. Patrick's Day.  But Federal law requires us to post the following:

Old man dressed as St. Patrick
This does not end well.
Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.  
There's a new Irish restaurant being built in town. They're going to serve gourmet 7-course Irish meals.  Everyone who comes in gets a potato and a six-pack.
"St. Patrick's Day---what better way to honor Ireland's greatest saint than to sit on a curb wearing a plastic derby and vomiting in the street." (David Letterman)
What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
Paddy O'Furniture!
Sadly, federal law also prohibits us from apologizing for the above.  Shillelagh.  Gesundheit.

JEERS to the biggest airline mystery since Amelia Earhart.  Here's the latest on the missing Malaysia Airlines plane, based on 48 hours of non-stop weekend media teletype coverage:

…plane missing…still missing…Breaking News…plane still missing…checking now…to see if they found it yet…nope…not yet…lets check again…gosh darn it…where is that dang plane…
Thanks for that.  Meanwhile I feel a bit disappointed that I have to be the one to point out to the conspiracy theorists that none of the governments involved in the search have ruled out alien abduction.  The tinfoil hatters are getting lazy.

CHEERS to cheep dates.  In three days the groundhog claps his hands and---Poof!!!---winter will turn to spring.  In a sign that all is on schedule, a buzzard was officially spotted in Hinckley, Ohio over the weekend:

This buzzard likes to
feast on moochers.
The return of the buzzards has been marked in the Hinckley Reservation of the Cleveland Metroparks since 1957.  For many of those years, the Sunday after the 15th has seen people flock to the township for a pancake breakfast. With March 15 falling on a Saturday this year, the parks and township are making a weekend out of it.  "Once that bird is spotted, you look forward to spring," [official spotter Sharon Hosko] said.
It's similar to what we say up here except we replace bird with Memorial Day Weekend.

CHEERS to things that go "snap."  On March 17, 1845, Stephen Perry received his patent for the rubber band.  Something everyone should see at least once in their lifetime: a condom playing a tuba.

Milky Way Galaxy
Crimea is part of what
scientists call a galaxy.
JEERS to David Copperputin.  Yesterday Crimea held a special magic show during which the citizens placed pieces of paper marked either "Da!" or "Nyet!" into boxes and called it a referendum on seceding from Ukraine.  (In fact, the ceremony was so special that they even let children and Russians vote.)  The magic worked perfectly: all the "Nyet!" votes magically turned into "Da!" votes which means, um, absolutely nothing.  Also over the weekend: anti-war protesters outnumbered pro-war protesters 3 to 1 in Moscow, where Vladimir Putin is gearing up to invade Crimea under false pretenses.  I'd say something about how he can't do that, but I'm from the United States.  Sadly, I have no room to talk.


Five years ago in C&J: March 17, 2009

CHEERS to more [Ch'ching!] for the choo-choo.  I share Vice President Biden's love of trains, both as practical transportation and the most fun way to get from Point A to Point B.  So we're glad to see that Amtrak is getting a boost:

Vice President Joe Biden (right) riding the Amtrak rails with Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood (left) on Feb. 8, 2011. Photo: Official White House photo, David Lienemann
"Look! I can see Russia from my
train!  Ha Ha, still cracks me up."
Amtrak, never a favorite of the Bush administration or Republican Congresses, has struggled to retain critical federal subsidies in recent years.  But the $787 billion stimulus package recently signed by President Obama will allow the system to renovate trains and stations, improve safety systems, and provide more passenger capacity, administration officials said. ... "Amtrak has been left out - in my opinion, much too long," said Biden, who estimated that he has taken 7,000 trips on the rail line...
Once the existing infrastructure is brought up to snuff, what say we lay down some bullet train tracks?  (I hear the Portland to Key West route would be a cash cow.)


And just one more…

JEERS to the silence of a legendary set of pipes.  True fact: half of my popcorn consumption at the movies happens during the previews.  I love 'em, even when they suck.  So it was hard to hear---so to speak---that Hal Douglas, the voiceover king, died. Says voice coach Marias Tobias in the New York Times obituary: “When you go past superstar status, you reach icon status in this business, where people know you by one name only.  That was Hal.”  If you haven't seen the trailer he did (as "Jack") for the Jerry Seinfeld movie Comedian, you should:

Hal Douglas was 89.  Hopefully today he finds himself, "In a better world…"

Have a tolerable Monday.  Dance a jig or something, I dunno.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

Lincoln Scholar Tells O'Reilly: Lincoln Would Have Gone In Cheers and Jeers "In A Second"
---Media Matters


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