Sen. John McCain's office announced today that the crusty old veteran has released a war-time to-do list entitled "11 Things I Would Tell President Obama To Do About Ukraine If Only He Would Take My Calls."
It's inspiring, really. Just when the world needs him most, the very senior Senator from Arizona answers the call of duty, as ever he has done.
I know many of you don't hold the Senator in particularly high regard. (Some here have even been known to ridicule this great patriot!) And I know most of you won't click the link, so I have helpfully reproduced the list in full, below.
UKRAINE TO-DO's (dictated but not read)
1. Bomb Iraq. Wait, I meant Iran!
2. Call up Putin and tell him to keep his mangy kids off my front lawn! Also, Crimean lawns!
3. Stop building those stupid F-35's. You think the Russkies are going to be intimidated by a few squadrons of 85 million dollar planes that can't FLY? No they will not. Back in my day we didn't need all the high-tech falderall they load on all the planes now. Back in my day, all we needed was a couple of F-86 Sabres and a 6-pack o' fully-loaded .50 cals and we called it good. You should have seen those MiGs turn tail when we swooped in out of the sun!
4. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
5. (Snort.) Eh, what?
6. Have we bombed Iraq yet? Dammit, I did it again! Iran! I-RANNNNN. Bomb. Iran. There, I said it.
7. Sanctions, schmanctions. What's the use of having all those B2 stealth bombers if you never use 'em? To quote my dear departed friend St. Ronnie, "Bombing starts tomorrow."
8. Appoint me special envoy to Moscow. I'll give young Putin what for, believe-you-me!
9. Boycott caviar. I hate those slimy little fish eggs anyway.
10. Bomb Havana! Keep 'em guessing. They think we're gonna zig, and BOOM! We zag!
11. OK, this last one's a doozy, but you have to let me tell you personally, OK? Barack? Mr. President? Come on, pick up. Pick. Up. (Sigh.)
So laugh, if you will. Call him Cranky McWarHero, if you must. I, for one, am thankful that Senator John Sidney McCain III is lucid and alert today, on the job, manning freedom's ramparts.
Or is it ramming freedom's manparts? I can't be certain. Much like John McCain, I can never remember the difference between a rack and a ram.