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Inside the Giant Orange Thinking Brain

With the exception of that one kid in science class whose time travel experiment went terribly wrong, the first quarter of 2014 is behind us. And that means it's C&J number-crunching time. Every few months we revisit the results of some past C&J polls (no relation to polls commissioned by Kos) to give you a retro-snapshot of just what the hell "you people" were thinking back in the days from January through March. The total number of votes each poll received is in parentheses so you'll know it's not just me and the cat voting, but me and thousands of cats:

• When people ask what your political leaning is, 25 percent of you say Democrat, 29 percent say progressive, and 30 percent say liberal. (6,238)

• President Obama's overall grade after five years in office: A--24%, B--52%, C--14%, D--2%, F--2%. (8,568)

• 96 percent of you believe Governor Chris Christie knew about the George Washington Bridge lane closure scheme before it happened. (5,649)

All C&J poll questions are created by
our independent statistician, for
which we shell out many bananas.
• 90 percent believe there will not be significant regulatory reforms in response to the chemical spill in West Virginia. (5,002)

• 73 percent believe that same-sex couples will have marriage rights in all 50 states within five years. (4,194)

• The top three issues the Republican party is blowing off that will cause them to pay the biggest price this November: increasing the minimum wage (37%), immigration reform (24%), and reinstatement of long-term unemployment benefits (17%).  (3,621)

• 95 percent oppose the merger of Comcast Cable and Time Warner Cable. (5,214)

• 25 percent rate John Kerry's first year as Secretary of State "excellent." 49 percent rated him "good," 13 percent "fair" and 5 percent "terrible." (4,411)

• 51 percent of you want to abolish Daylight Saving Time, while 34 percent don't. (5,222)

And this one is so good it deserves its own callout:
• Four percent (i.e. the right-wing trolls who visited that day) think Rep. Michele Bachmann is correct when she asserts that God will repeal the Affordable Care Act because Republicans are "His people." Everyone else begs to differ. (4,246)
As always, we bow to your superior wisdom. But not too low, because we hear that's tyranny.

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Note: Hey, I just came up with my first REALLY GREAT IDEA!!!!  (Ha Ha!  That's an April Fools joke.  Got ya!)

Pear Blossom Festival logo (Medford, Oregon)
10 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Pulitzer Prizes are handed out: 13
Days 'til the 61st annual Pear Blossom Festival in Medford, Oregon: 10
Growth in the UAW last year: 9,000 members
Current UAW membership, up from its low of 355,191 in 2009: 391,415
(Source: Labor Dept. via AP)
Percent of U.S. greenhouse gas emissions consisting of methane: 9-13%
Percent of likely 2016 U.S. voters who say they like gays/lesbians and evangelical Christians, respectively: 53%, 42%
(Source: TargetPoint and Greenberg Quinlan Rosner Research survey)
Current box office haul of Disney's Frozen, now the #1 animated movie
of all time: $1.072 billion
(Source: Variety)


Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:

Could it be any more weak and ridiculous to define oneself by sexual preferences and practices? If Hets had parades loudly proclaiming, on silken banners, "Doggy Style Enthusiast Nipple Twisters Demand Equal Rights"
"Tacos and Sausages Are What's For Dessert ",
how would that make the acting out howlers feel about their own strident, deranged silliness...huh?
---Commenter "Oingo" trolling at the Human Rights Campaign website (responding to video of Joe Biden's recent pro-LGBT speech.)
All together now: 1…2…3… Classy!


Puppy Pic of the Day: Cute little nipper.  (And so's the kid.)


I brung ye these flurrs.
CHEERS to April!  Wikipedia tells me that "The traditional etymology is from the verb aperire, 'to open,' in allusion to its being the season when trees and flowers begin to 'open,' ... The birthstone of April is the diamond, and the birth flower is typically listed as either the Daisy (Bellis perennis) or the Sweet Pea.  Zodiac signs for the month are Aries (until April 19) and Taurus (April 20 onwards)."

Those who call it the cruelest month have never spent a March in Maine.  Besides, baseball season is here (Go Sox of the reddish variety), the Masters golf tournament starts next week, the flowers are starting to go "Poink!", plus there's Easter, Earth Day, Patriots Day (that's when Tom Brady dresses up as George Washington and throws a touchdown on Lexington Green), Arbor Day, National 8-Track Tape Day, Administrative Professionals Day, a lunar eclipse on the 15th and a solar eclipse on the 29th, which is also Shrimp Scampi Day.  Then again, taxes are due in a couple weeks.  Okay, fine: cruel it is.

Don't Tread on My Obamacare graphic
CHEERS to crossing the finish line.  Last night at the stroke of midnight, the website turned back into a pumpkin, the navigators turned back into mice, and the 1-800 number was re-directed back to its usual (non-government, I assure you) sex chat line.  Ladies and gentlemen, the 2014 Affordable Care Act enrollment period is…[ka-CHUNG!]…closed.  Anyone who didn't sign up in time (and a helluva lot signed up here in Maine) faces a penalty of a penny.  If you haven't got a penny then a haypenny will do.  If you haven't got a haypenny, then the death panel is that-a-way.  And now a special word from retro-Senator Jim DeMint, circa July 17, 2009:
"This health care issue Is D-Day for freedom in America.  If we’re able to stop Obama on this it will be his Waterloo.  It will break him."
Silly goose.  Looks like someone forgot that our president's full name is Barack Hussein Eisenhower Wellington Obama.

CHEERS to---squeaky squeaky!---that clean plate sound.  On this date in 1889, the first dishwashing machine was marketed in Chicago.  We have one in our house---a rescue mutt named Haley.  Upside: she saves us a bundle on electricity.  Downside: poops way more than a Kenmore.

CHEERS to dancing in the Isles.  Big doings in over in England and Wales.  Louisa Peacock at the Telegraph documents the chaos of the last few days:

Well folks, we had the warmest weekend of the year so far and---AND---the first gay weddings in Britain took place.

We didn't have any floods ... Ukip, I'm looking at you.  Ukip councillor David Silvester recently suggested that the Government's decision to legalise gay marriage had led to the disastrous recent storms and heavy floods across the UK.  Well---shock!  Horror!  WE ALL SURVIVED.

What with the glorious sunshine and all, I think it's pretty safe to assume that God, in fact, gave his blessing to gay marriage (ducks for cover).

We're sending all the happy couplers the traditional British wedding-day gift: a Benny Hill tea cozy.

CHEERS to April Fools Day.  The one day we have permission to put our scruples aside, make up wild stories and endlessly bamboozle people.  Or as they call it in Washington, D.C.: Tuesday.


Five years ago in C&J: April 1, 2009

CHEERS to defeating the redcoats over there so we don’t have to defeat not quite so far a distance over there as we otherwise might have to.  In a smashing victory in oil-rich southern Iraq, Britain yesterday officially turned over command of their garrison to the United States.  Barack Obama, on his first overseas trip as president, accepted the terms of surrender as tendered by Queen Elizabeth II (the fist bump was a nice touch).  And to show we're not total barbarians, General Cornwallis was allowed to keep his sword.


And just one more…

Rachel Maddow with Kent Brockman on
True Fact: Rachel Maddow and
Kent Brockman once worked
the beat together in Springfield.
CHEERS to Rachel Maddow---TV host, razor-sharp political analyst, hypocrisy slayer, Rhodes Scholar and...birthday chick.  MSNBC's brightest bulb turns 41 today. (Ugh…I'm old enough to be her father, assuming I sired a child at 8.)  Every night, piece by piece and brick by brick, she dismantles the GOP monolith (Chris Christie is target #1 at the moment) with such grace and dexterity that her conservative guests usually end up thanking her for the gutting.  She tolerates no BS---and that's why we love her.  But if her media career ever fizzles, she can always fall back on her expertise as a mixologist.  Cheers, Rachel, and---everybody say it with me---many blessings on your camels.

Have a nice Tuesday.  Ha Ha!  That was another April Fool's Day joke because what I really mean is have a pleasant Tuesday.  You TOTALLY fell for it!  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

Bill in Portland Maine is terrifying in this Dawn Of Cheers and Jeers TV spot


Does it surprise you to hear that a newly-completed Senate Intelligence Report reveals that the CIA lied about its torture program by downplaying its severity while overstating its effectiveness?

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