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Last night, Stephen Colbert opened the show lamenting how Obama took a victory lap with the latest enrollment numbers actually surpassing the 7 million mark, thus ruining his plans to celebrate its failure.

If voters believe the GOP wants to take away people's health insurance, then Republicans won't be able to take over the Senate in November, and then how will they take away people's health insurance?  (audience laughter)

So folks, to win the midterms, this is going to require some straight talk.  We conservatives must look the American people in the eye and say, April Fools!!!  (audience cheering and applause)  Gotcha!!  Gotcha!!

I mean, come on, come on!  Obviously, fighting Obamacare was a four-year prank!  I can't believe you bought it!  Why would we be the only Western industrialized nation without access to affordable health care?  (blows funny whistle)

I gotta tell you, this is priceless.  You should see your face!  Seriously, you got a little growth right there.  I'd have a doctor check that out.

Video and full transcript below the fold.


Tonight, we're all happy, and I wish I could come to you with some good news.  But the worst imaginable thing has happened.  Millions of Americans are going to get health care.  Jim?
4/1/2014:

WOLF BLITZER: The White House has just announced that 7,041,000 people have signed up for coverage under the Affordable Care Act. ... They've reached their anticipated goal of 7 million.

JIM ANGLE: The Obama administration is claiming victory in its long, painful struggle to sign up consumers for health care.

BARACK OBAMA: 7.1 million Americans have now signed up for private insurance plans through these marketplaces.  7.1!

7.1 million Americans have signed up for Obamacare.  Now when I go to my doctor's office, there'll be 7.1 million people in the waiting room ahead of me!  (audience laughter)  And I'm sorry folks, I'm sorry, the Highlights maze stopped being challenging after you've done it about 10 times.

Folks, they were never supposed to make it to 7 million.

FOX BUSINESS (3/21/2014): 2 million people to sign up and 10 days to go.

ANDREA TANTAROS (3/11/2014): The likelihood of them getting to that place is highly unlikely.

SEAN HANNITY (10/11/2013): We like to call this mission impossible.

EX-SEN. JOHN SUNUNU, R-NH (3/11/2014): They'll probably be a little bit under 4 1/2 million.

KARL ROVE (3/24/2014): There's no way they're going to get anywhere close. ... It just ain't gonna happen.

I just don't see how Karl Rove and his life partner Boardy could be wrong!  (audience laughter and cheering)  I mean, after all, they're the mathematical wizards that called Ohio for Romney!  (audience laughter)

But folks, it was only logical if no one had signed up, no one would sign up.  Because everyone knows past performance always indicates future results.  That's why I always play yesterday's winning Lotto numbers.  (audience laughter)  And may I point out, I have never lost... yesterday's Lotto.  (audience laughter)

But now this last minute signup surge has completely rained on our parade.  Seriously, we had to cancel the parade.

And last night, I had to scrap my plans for Stephen Colbert's Rockin' Enrollment Failure Eve, where me, Ryan Seacrest, and T.I. were going to count down on a giant clock, until they dropped an uninsured person in Times Square.

(audience laughter)

Then of course, we don't take him to the hospital, cuz he doesn't have insurance.

Apparently, folks, this last minute health scramble was all thanks to "young adults signing up at higher rates".  No one could have forseen that college kids would put something off until the last minute.  (audience cheering and applause)

But folks, you know, the more I think about this, maybe there's a silver lining here.  Yes, the administration hit their goal of 7 million.  But is there any way to say they didn't?

JENNA LEE (4/1/2014): There's still a lot of key questions unanswered about health care, including who signed up for it — younger healthy people who will pay for older sicker people?  And did everyone who enrolled pay for coverage?

BRET BAIER (3/31/2014): How many didn't have insurance before?

NEIL CAVUTO (3/31/2014): How many are young?

STUART VARNEY (3/31/2014): How many of them have paid?

Yeah, how many are young?  How many have paid?  What if their check doesn't clear?  What are numbers anyway but artificial constructs?  And did you know that these are Arabic numerals?  I mean, the 3 is just two Islamic crescent moons stacked on top of each other!  The terrorists have won!

(audience cheering and applause)

Spooky stuff, spooky stuff!

And speaking of terrorists, Barack Obama.  (shocked audience laughter)  This man stood in the people's Rose Garden today, and made outrageous accusations about Republicans.

BARACK OBAMA (4/1/2014): The Affordable Care Act is here to stay! ... And those who have based their entire political agenda on repealing it have to explain to the country why Jeanne should go back to being uninsured. ... I've got to admit, I don't get it.  (pauses)  Why are folks working so hard for people not to have health insurance?
(nervously laughs)  What??

What?!  That's dirty politics!  If voters believe the GOP wants to take away people's health insurance, then Republicans won't be able to take over the Senate in November, and then how will they take away people's health insurance?  (audience laughter)

So folks, to win the midterms, this is going to require some straight talk.  We conservatives must look the American people in the eye and say, April Fools!!!  (audience cheering and applause)  Gotcha!!  Gotcha!!

I mean, come on, come on!  Obviously, fighting Obamacare was a four-year prank!  I can't believe you bought it!  Why would we be the only Western industrialized nation without access to affordable health care?  (blows funny whistle)

I gotta tell you, this is priceless.  You should see your face!  Seriously, you got a little growth right there.  I'd have a doctor check that out.

Stephen then talked about Northwestern football players winning the first round in being able to unionize, talking with former UCLA linebacker Ramogi Huma.

Meanwhile, Jon mocked CNN some more for their coverage of the missing Malaysian airliner.


Stephen talked with actor John Malkovich, and Jon talked about high frequency trading with financial journalist Michael Lewis, who got two segments, and still went long.  Here's the third part of his interview.

Originally posted to Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group on Wed Apr 02, 2014 at 05:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Daily Kos.

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