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Last night, Stephen Colbert looked at how our government will basically do nothing in response to the latest IPCC climate change report that warns of dire consequences, thanks to companies like ExxonMobil.

In a report to shareholders released the exact same day as the UN report, Exxon acknowledged the need to adopt policies to address climate change, but concluded that governments are "highly unlikely" to adopt policies that cut emissions.

And Exxon knows what they're talking about, because the company contributes $20 million dollars annually to the American Petroleum Institute, which lobbies against climate change legislation.

You see, the government inaction increases Exxon's share price.  Exxon then uses that money to influence politicians.  It's a phenomenon called the green-House effect.

Video and full transcript below the fold.


Anybody out there who knows me knows I'm a well known outdoorsman.  I mean, just getting to the car and back, I'm out there twice a day.  And of course, I love Mother Earth.  Just like the wise Native Americans with the buffalo, I believe we should exploit every part of the planet.  (audience laughter)  I mean, there's still a couple of animals I haven't worn as shoes yet.  (audience laughter)  I'm just saying meerkats would make great comfort insoles.  That looks good.

But now, the global warming whiners at the UN have just released a report that I predict will raise the urine levels in your pants.  Jim?

3/31/2014:

BRIAN WILLIAMS: Dire warning.  A prediction tonight that climate change could destabilize human society.

SCOTT PELLEY: A new United Nations report raised the threat of climate change to a whole new level.

JAKE TAPPER: Scientists say we're running out of time.

NEWS REPORT: Food and water shortages.  Droughts.

ALEX WAGNER: Melting icecaps, heat waves, droughts, floods, wildfires, and cyclones.

PETER VENKMAN: Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria!

Thank you, Dr. Venkman.  The report claims that the problems have gotten so bad, that they had to add a new level of risk to their danger chart.  It used to go up to "high", colored blazing red.  Now it goes to "very high", colored deep purple.

Well, obviously "high" wasn't actually that high.  So why should we believe that "very high" is high?  Call me when it reaches ultraviolet.  And yes, the human eye can't see that, but we're not paying attention anyway.  (audience laughter)

And, we're never going to.  At least according to a much more optimistic study, put out by my favorite environmental group, ExxonMobil.  (audience laughter)  In a report to shareholders released the exact same day as the UN report, Exxon acknowledged the need to adopt policies to address climate change, but concluded that governments are "highly unlikely" to adopt policies that cut emissions.

And Exxon knows what they're talking about, because the company contributes $20 million dollars annually to the American Petroleum Institute, which lobbies against climate change legislation.

You see, the government inaction increases Exxon's share price.  Exxon then uses that money to influence politicians.  It's a phenomenon called the green-House effect.

(wild audience laughter and cheering)

Also, the green-Senate effect.

(audience laughter)

They spread it around.

Stephen then had another Wørd segment about the death penalty, specifically the latest news coming out of Tennessee.

Stephen then looked at how Silicon Valley people are undergoing plastic surgery to make themselves look younger for the tech companies.

Meanwhile, Jon looked at the trouble GM is in over their faulty ignition switch that's killed an untold number of people, and how new CEO Mary Barra is dealing with it as she testified before Congress.


John Hodgman then looked at ways the filthy rich can hide their money in tax shelters other than the Cayman Islands.

Stephen talked with ABC's Dan Harris, and Jon talked with actor Samuel L. Jackson.

Originally posted to Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group on Thu Apr 03, 2014 at 05:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Daily Kos.

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