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Here little piggy!
Good Evening Kibitzers! Hello and welcome to a special edition of KTK, brought to you by the letters C and M. You could be forgiven for thinking these letters stand for "cookie" and "monster", but in fact they stand for commonmass, my elder brother and nefarious Anglikan Kossack. Commonmass will turn 45 years old tomorrow, and since he is now old enough to know better I felt it was finally time to take him to task on a few of the MANY lies he has spread about himself and our family here on Daily Kos.

Now, I have already heard more than once since announcing this diary last night the sounds of skepticism and concern from the peanut gallery. Please rest assured that everything I am about to tell you here is true. I have made it a practice of my adulthood not to lie on the internet, and I am not about to start now at my revered Koshome, Kitchen Table Kibitzing. I have too much respect for my fellow Kibitzers to bring falsehoods to the table when my purpose here is to dispel the ones CM has been spreading around since 2008.

So, without further adieu, please find below the fold a commonmass primer, courtesy of yours truly, the baron de bastrop.

Before we get too deep into the weeds, I want to point out the single largest misconception my brother has fostered in his time at Daily Kos, and that is his handle. There is absolutely NOTHING common about my older brother. He would have you believe his roots lie in some proletariat utopia of the post WWI generation. Nothing could be further from the truth. CM likes to throw around pictures of our grandparents and great-grandmother.  He has cultivated the idea that these people were working commoners, barely off the boat from England and Eastern Europe.

Think this guy was Labor? Think again...
That is our grandfather. We called him Bumpa. NOT because my brother couldn't pronounce the word "grandpa" but because Bumpa was an early computer genius who created an electronic records system for banks that was ultimately used by every major bank in the United States. He made a fortune, the fruits of which supports commonmass and yours truly to the tune of unlimited assets. So, why "Bumpa"? Because he was a product of the Depression and used to keep his money inside the mattress. He didn't trust the very banks he designed the systems for, and when my brother was a kid and used to bounce on their bed, the money was so thick he would take two jumps and fall off and hit his head against the wall on the way down!

And then there is The Rock. Yes, we have a small cottage on an island in mid-coast Maine, and yes, it was built by hand. My great-uncle Jack the Ace Pilot and his brother Bumpa built it themselves as a summer camp. And, yes there is an outhouse and a hand pump and all of those leftovers from the early 50's that makes it a quaint, unassuming shack with a picturesque view of the ocean. But has commonmass ever showed you the HOUSE my grandfather built for his retirement at 50? I didn't think so.

Not so common after all.
That's right, that's The Rock where commonmass spends his summers, idling away picking wild mushrooms and blogging on Daily Kos. And it is right across the cove from the original Camp, which was a hunting camp and temporary shelter while our grandparents bought up the rest of the island. In fact, this camp was used to house our cook and his 8 children during summers, while we slept comfortably in a 14 room granite Victorian on the other side of the island, the one that faces Port and which CM refers to as "downtown". That structure has since burned down.

But enough with the island, lets talk about the rest of his lies, the biggest of which is surely the claim that commonmass is gay. Now, I know this may come to some of you as a shock but commonmass is a serious playboy, and while he has a tendency to swing both ways when it suits his agenda, the bulk of his time is spent bedding women, not men. But this lie isn't solely for his dupes at Daily Kos, it's he's cultivated since elementary school. Last night in KTK he brought up his long-time (meaning since 2nd grade) romance "Tammy". This is a girl who, since they were kids, has been his anti-beard. Not only is she his current mistress, she has ALWAYS been his mistress behind the backs of the entire world. This woman, who is married to a famous pro Wrestler who shall remain nameless so as not to get me sued, has been the bane of MY existence ever since I could walk. When we were kids and he was Big Gay Bill, I was one of a tiny handful of people who knew the truth: my brother was earning his own fortune as the sole proprietor of an Ivy League Sperm Bank; one with many clients but only one donor. His reputation was so vast, they came from as far away as Russia. I kid you not. The pimp is a player and the game is straight.

Now, can I prove this? Yes, but the pictures would get me banned and probably sued (again). I can offer this piece of evidence, however.

Does this look like a gay cat to you?
For site full of pootie lovers, people here know their stuff when it comes to cats. Commonmass relies on the benefit of the doubt when it comes to what he pedals here on Daily Kos, which is surely why no one has taken a second look at Geoffry and thought to themselves "That's not a gay cat!". People just look at him and figure, "sure, that looks like a cat some gay dude might own." WRONG. Look again. See that placemat he's sleeping on? No gay cat would be caught dead sleeping on that pattern during summer!

That's a cold weather pattern!  

I rest my case.

Moving right along to religion, anyone here who knows my brother thinks he's Episcopalian, an Anglican musician who relishes the "smells and bells" of high church. Last night in Top Comments, however, as I was drumming up support for this very exposé, I received a tip off from a fellow Kossack who has clearly had enough of commonmass' fabrications. I'm not going to out ontheleftcoast here in this diary, but I will link to the thread. Go ahead and click, then come back.

Did you catch the sarcasm in ontheleftcoast's comment? Masterfully done, OTLC, masterfully done.

Moving right along to the finale, i would like to point out one last aspect of the commonmass delusion, one that you will likely find most disturbing of all.

Commonmass is a Republican. Yes, that's right, CM is a Republican and he is not ashamed to flaunt it in public. Since we don't do DKos via Skype, there is little reason for you to have noticed this about him, but if you ever meet him in real life ( like when he comes to shill his wares at NN14 this summer) take a look at his collar. He wears a bow tie. You know who else wears a bow tie? You guessed it…

They even share a common name.
Look, I'm getting pretty tired of this diary by now, but not likely as tired as you have grown from reading it. Let me just wrap this up by saying this: take everything you read about commonmass with a great big grain of salt. Preferably sea salt, possibly flavored with a rare wood smoke. Take that salt and sprinkle it on some heirloom sliced tomatoes and serve it to yourself and your guest with the best box of Franzia you can afford. Because tomorrow my brother will turn 45 years old and it's about time he grows up and faces facts. And those facts are a) he's fucking older than me by three years and that will never change and 2) life to too damn short not to stop and shovel the privy. And he and I both know that means slinging a whole lotta shit.

Tune in tomorrow at 9pm central time for a Top Comments edition of "Commonmass Turn 45."

Until then, I'll take your questions in comments.

Kitchen Table Kibitzing is a community series for those who wish to share part of the evening around a virtual kitchen table with kossacks who are caring and supportive of one another. So bring your stories, jokes, photos, funny pics, music, and interesting videos, as well as links—including quotations—to diaries, news stories, and books that you think this community would appreciate. Readers may notice that most who post diaries and comments in this series already know one another to some degree, but newcomers should not feel excluded. We welcome guests at our kitchen table, and hope to make some new friends as well.
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