Most of us agree the thing that sucks about Stephen Colbert replacing Dave Letterman is that it almost certainly means the end of The Colbert Report. In denial about this looming reality, some have suggested possible replacements, such as John Oliver or Jason Jones. But we all know, as talented as those two are, nobody can replace Stephen Colbert as the parody right-wing character around which the show, its tone, its brand of humor, and a new paradigm of satire have been built.
Nobody can replace Stephen. You know it and you have to accept it: Night is falling on The Colbert Report.
But, wait… Maybe there is one person… Yes, one person who is not an obvious choice but who would be the ideal replacement. Not only would this person continue what Stephen started, but he would take it to the next level. In fact, not only would he continue the journey, he might bring it to its logical end - completing the circle, closing the circuit, leading us all to a comic nirvana where all the colors bleed into one and our country is made whole again.
Of whom could it be I speak?
Now wait, hear me out, dammit! I waited until after the squiggly to tell you because I knew you wouldn’t be reasonable. But now we’re here so everybody just calm down and take a seat.
First, I have to say immediately that this wasn’t my idea. Fellow Kos user “Mr. Natural” (that may not be his real name) came up with this brilliant idea in the comments section of an earlier dairy, saying, “Maybe Comedy Central can replace Colbert with Louie Gohmert (or is it Go-Mehr). He's funny” (it’s possible “Mr. Natural” meant this as a joke).
For sure, I scoffed at the suggestion. But “Mr. Natural” had planted a seed in my mind. That seed germinated and grew into a pungent crabgrass, stubbornly taking root in my brain and outcompeting the bland, domesticated thoughts that made up the tidy lawn of my consciousness, until it strangled off nutrients to every distraction and filled my skull so full that its spiky inflorescences were poking out of my ears. I could yank a lot more from the rich soil of this metaphor, but I need to get to the point.
“Yeah,” you say, “the point! Like Louie Gohmert’s pointy head!” And then you laugh because you think you’re so funny, but why don’t you just listen for a moment, Giggles, because I’m about to mow your mind.
Once you stop fooling around and get serious, your first question will probably be, “Why would Louie Gohmert want to be the host of The Colbert Report?”
Before I answer that question I hope we can agree that Louie Gohmert is not an intelligent guy. If you’re under the impression that Louie Gohmert is an intelligent guy, then I’ll need you to open another tab in your browser and Google “Gohmert pipeline caribou sex” or “Gohmert Muslim Brotherhood Obama” or “Gohmert terror babies.” Or, if you really need convincing, “Gohmert asparagus.” In fact, forget the others, just do that one.
Or, actually, just type in “Gohmert.”
Anyway, the point is that Louie Gohmert is not a smart man. He’s not a smart man the way Ryan Gosling is not an ugly man. We’re talking about a man who is very definitely on the far end of one side of the intellectual spectrum, and it’s not the side Neil deGrasse Tyson is on.
“So?” you ask, petulantly. Don’t rush me, I’m working up the suspense here. I shouldn’t have said that thing about mowing your mind. I might have oversold this. I’m feeling a lot of pressure now. Those damn metaphors always take me too far.
Anyway, the fact that Louie Gohmert is stupid means if he’s ever seen The Colbert Report he probably didn’t recognize it as parody. Ask him to replace Colbert and he’ll probably jump at the chance and call it an honor. He probably thinks The Report is one of the best right-wing shows on television. If this seems unlikely to you then hopefully you still have that other tab open.
So if Gohmert took the helm of the show, he would do it thinking it was a straight-up conservative show, and he would earnestly and passionately read whatever material the writers gave him, thinking it was all righteous and true just like the things the pretty blondes say on FOX News.
Do you see where I’m going here? It’s starting to dawn, isn’t it?
Louie Gohmert would really be the person Stephen Colbert was playing as a character. And he would be, as he always has been, absolutely freaking hilarious! And we would see the first fully-realized, sustained, practical and commercial application of Poe’s Law, which states that sincere extremism is indistinguishable from parody.
And thus the circle would be complete! Colbert’s satirical vision would merge with Republican reality. The joke and the ideology would finally become one, and balance would be restored to the universe! Gohmert would strike Colbert down with his red lightsaber, but there would be nothing but an empty robe on the floor, and Stephen would become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. And Gohmert would be distracted, allowing Luke (Aasif Mandvi) to escape and then Stop! I won’t let you take control, Star Wars metaphor! This is my diary.
So, anyway, again, wouldn’t that be perfect? Isn’t that the logical final stage of conservative politics in the 21st century? It would be the final step in a process that has been ongoing for some time: the conservative movement's transformation from a serious ideology into a genre of entertainment.
And those of us lamenting the passing of The Colbert Report would be comforted, because there would no longer be any need for it, because it would have been fulfilled by The Gohmert Report, just as Jesus fulfilled the Law.
Do you understand now? Do you see the light, brothers and sisters? Louie Gohmert is a pointy-headed messiah, come to fulfill Poe’s Law!
It makes perfect sense to me, but then my head is full of weeds. Thanks for listening. You can go now.