Well, I don't really hate holidays. It's just that something bad always seems to happen on holidays, whether it be a fight with a family member, trying to put up with someone who is too wasted to function, having to deal with racist, sexist, or homophobic comments from someone you would prefer not to have to hang out with ...
... right. Cue up that last part to music, and make the family member my roommate, and we got a situation on our hands here.
A bad situation, but an interesting one. I am actually writing this diary to ask for advice, which I hardly ever do, but maybe you guys know something I don't.
So here's the deal: my roommate, who I've been living with now for 3 months, is a Republican. I've known this about her since well before I moved in, when we were getting to know each other to see if we'd be a good "fit". We had a metric fuckton of frank and personal conversations before I signed the lease, because I wanted to make sure that we were a simpatico match. It's of the utmost importance to me that I find a roomie who is safe, stable, and responsible. This isn't only for my sake, but for the sake of Little Shiz, who is (sadly- boo) at her dad's today.
The roommate, whom I'll call "Vanessa" for tax reasons, is a strange mix of jabberjaw, ignorance, and love. I don't know how else to explain it. The woman talks more then I do, by far, and I talk a lot! Vanessa readily admits that she has ADD, and functions as someone whose attention cannot be summoned for more than 2 minutes at a clip. Originally from a small Texas town, Vanessa has still not completely acclimated to the Colorado culture, and continues to say things that offend her honest, upfront, and bisexual roommate. But Vanessa is also extremely sweet and caring, and gives me material goods, food, and compliments at the drop of a hat.
Vanessa has a 16-year-old daughter that also lives with us and (occasionally) Little Shiz. Let's call this 16-year-old girl "Tamara", also for tax reasons.
One of the things that appealed to me about Vanessa was that she and I had many common experiences with our ex-husbands, which were pretty horrible to go through, but made us stronger people in the end. I haven't met many people who've gone to court as many times as I have, for their kids no less, and come out with a more-affirmed position of who they were before they even entered the courtroom.
(Single moms all over the world will understand what I'm talking about here.)
Anyway, given that Vanessa and I have many things in common, and believing that her self-identifying as a "Republican" didn't mean that we couldn't necessarily communicate like pros, I moved in with no allusions of how things would wind up.
Vanessa talks. She talks, and talks, and motherfucking talks! It's more then I can take, honestly, and there are nights when I come home from work, tell her to STFU, and close my door to get some privacy. I am not even joking here.
She is never offended when I tell her to shut it. Not ever. She knows she talks a ton, and when I tell her to shut it, she respects me and leaves me alone. That is totally important to me because, even though I'm a jabberjaw myself, I need my alone time, man. If I don't have my alone time, someone in Colorado will get physically hurt fast!
So. When I told Vanessa that I'm bi, and that my ex-partner (not to be confused with my ex-hubsand) is now my best friend and that we maintain good relations essentially for the sake of Little Shiz, she didn't seem to bat an eye, much less a lash. Vanessa's position is, essentially (and I think she truly means it, for realz) "I don't give a fuck what you do. No worries, no problems, and don't involve me, please".
So I didn't do that, until today.
I am unaccustomed to youngsters being told that their parents, aunts, uncles, friends of the family, etc. are gay. Little Shiz has always been in the know. Little Shiz has been in the know with me since my ex-partner and I got together, when she was all of 2-years-old. She does not remember life without my ex-partner, and once asked her, "Were you in the delivery room when I was born?"
Of course, Vanessa says some ... uh ... politically incorrect and politically insensitive things. And by "politically incorrect", I mean "seriously offensive" to people other then her.
While she has shown me in the past few months that she can be human, and that's one of the reasons that I like her very much, she can also learn from what I teach her. Vanessa has apologized in the past for saying things that could possibly offend a bi, liberal girl, such as myself.
Today, while doing laundry and generally hanging out and being lazy, I told Tamara (Vanessa's daughter) that I cannot stand it when her mom says "that's retarded". Because Vanessa means it in a derogatory fashion, and Tamara and I both get that. Tamara agreed with me vehemently. I also told Tamara that I have an issue when her mom says "that's gay". Tamara got that as well.
While I'm telling Tamara this, Vanessa looks at me and essentially communicates, "OMG WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! MY DAUGHTER DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU'RE GAY, WHY WOULD YOU BRING THIS UP, HOLY SHIT!"
I am floored. I am unsure what to do. The amount of people I can constitute as straight-up homophobic in Colorado are ... zero. I haven't had this type of encounter since 2003. Believe me, I thought about it. In 2003, when my ex-coworker found out I was a lesbian, he asked if he could "watch". That's the last time I recall having to deal with homophobic bullshit since then.
No lie. Essentially, nobody in Colorado seems to care anymore. I don't know if that's same for the USA proper, but it's probably a pretty good gauge for where the country is headed.
So, while having a fun and sparing conversation with my roomie and her kid, I not only outted myself (you should have seen the look on Tamara's face when I told her I was gay! Jesus Christ, it was horrible!), but told them both it was not cool to say "that's gay" in a derogatory manner. I told Vanessa that was pretty much a deal-breaker for me, and she apologized to me, and why the FUCK! didh't she know more gay people in the past who had communicated this to her?!
I don't know why. Vanessa doesn't seem to know why not, either.
But I can tell you guys this much: I am a cipher for Vanessa. While she doesn't know much about why I would be offended by her using the phrase "that's gay" in a derogatory manner, I know a metric fuckton why that would be offensive. Vanessa has apologized to me for a seemingly long time today and, while I'm most certainly not placated by what others state or feel, I am hounded by the words of a woman who, for no other reason then ignorance, she does not seem to pick up what I'm putting down.
Vanessa indicated to me a few hours ago that she finds my life "fascinating". And that she wants to learn and grow from my experiences.
I want an answer here, you guys: what should I do? Should I try to find a new place to live? Should I educate Vanessa and Tamara in the "gay" ways?
Seriously, you guys ... I want answers here. My livelihood, and that of Little Shiz, depends upon it.
Feel free to leave heartfelt, honest answers in the comments.
Thanks. :)