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All True Conservatives (not you. Or you. Splitters!) are outraged by the librul meeja's latest underhand tactic of recording our remarks and playing them on television for everyone to see.

To prevent this, I'm writing on the Truth of Republican policy: I hope that this modest proposal will allow those librul meeja types to properly understand what True Conservatives (no, not you either, dangnabbit! Do I have to promote unity all by myself?) think, so they'll quit making stuff up.

Details below the un-American cheese-eating surrender monkey croissant of librul sociamalism.

THE NEGRO: apparently we aren't allowed to call 'em “n*gg*rs” any more – so much for free speech, amirite? Anyway, admit it: you were happier as slaves. Item 1: You don't sing so much these days. Item 2: I've seen things you wouldn't believe …. houses on fire … families broken up … women have abortions … no one gathers chickens round their master's porch anymore … um Item 3: You don't know your place. One of you is even President fer chrissakes. That ain't right. Item 4: I'm not being racist. I'm just pointing out facts. How can facts be racist? Also, too, I'm just “wondering” - see? Not racist. Now go pick some cotton.

HISPANICS: you guys should really vote Republican: we have so much in common, like belief in strong family units; we love to see you all on your picnics. Also – and shut up if you don't see exactly how this matches the previous sentence – we don't want you here: you immigrated illegally and you've got calves like melons from carrying them drugs across the desert. Please self-deport. Like, right now. Yes, all of you. Born here? Why, you're nothing but an anchor baby. You should be ashamed!

WOMEN: we love you women! We love you so much that we don't want you to worry about the tough decisions: we'll make 'em for you. Don't worry about a job, you just concentrate on the kids and everything will be fine. But if you do have a job, you won't earn as much because you can't work nights or weekends: you'll be looking after the kids. Birth control? That's for sluts – are you a slut? And can we please just shut up about rape? If it happens, try to enjoy it; if it's legitimate, you won't get pregnant; and if you somehow do get pregnant, it's a wonderful gift from God. I mean, what's the problem here?

GAYS: no, you can't get married. Because reasons, that's why; we had this argument already in 2004 – you lost, get over it. It would de-value my own marriage. And my previous marriages. Also, Scripture says. What – you're trying to argue with Scripture? You're an atheist! Admit it: you're part of the War on Christmas. Well, listen here, you faggoty fag queer lesbo homo – America's a Christian country. We won't tolerate your bigotry.

JOBS: it's your job to vote Republican. It's my job to look after the Job Creators. The Job Creators create the jobs, so they get all the money too, see? So you can't have a pay rise: that would be socialism. If you keep asking, I'll have you fired and reported to the other Job Creators as a troublemaker. Anyone without a job is a troublemaker or a moocher. It's not my job to worry about those people. Look, the Republican party stands for personal responsibility: it's not our fault, don't blame us. Blame Obama.

EVERYONE: please stop quoting what we actually say. You make us look bad!

9:40 AM PT: UPDATE - h/t to Shockwave

WORKERS: huh. Guess I forgot about you. Just remember, you owe your job to a Job Creator (see above) so thank them regularly by doing whatever he (or she - ha, just kidding!) asks - like voting for Republican candidates. If you're thinking of a minimum wage increase, don't: this is bad for your designated Job Creator and therefore un-American.

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