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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…

In a World...Where Outrage is Cranked Up to 11

Whenever I feel like the divide between right and left is getting a little too wide, I like to strap on my Billy Bonnet, fill a picnic basket with PBR and pork rinds, and skip across the daisy pasture to visit the villagers of Rightwingistan in search of ultra-rare comments that reflect our shared humanity or, at minimum, aren't dripping with rage and paranoia.

Past destinations have included Malkin's place, World Net Daily and RedState. But yesterday I went for broke by venturing over to the hotbed of hotheads called "Fox Nation," where Benghazi posts outnumber all others by a factor of ten, eight million signups through Obamacare prove it's a failure, and the re-emergence of Monica Lewinsky reminds us that the "party of family values" can and will swan-dive straight into the gutter at a moment's notice. Nevertheless, I did pick a few pearls out of the thousands of comments I tap-danced through. To coin a phrase: it's slim pickings…

The election's are in November.

Sing and dance.

Unicorn in front of castle with rainbow in sky.
You'll never believe me, but I swear
this is an actual photo I took at
the border of Fox Nation.
Stupid is as stupid does.

"Cinco de Mayo" was a celebration of the Mexican people overcoming the oppression of the French in the 19th century.

Any law can be repealed.

Kids are the future leaders of America.

I hope that Democrats not only defend ObamaCare but that they also actively campaign on it.

Some times, the simplest actions in life can have the most profound affect.

This isn't about Snooki.........it is about free market dynamics!

Since when does the word WORHLESS mean impeccable?

Amazing that there are many stupid people that cannot reason or think logically.

And a special shoutout to the comment that seemed to channel my reaction to that place (and would make an excellent new slogan for Fox News):
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa
So that was a fun adventure. Nutty, IQ-lowering, ear-splitting and hair-singeing, yes, but fun. A few more baths in tomato juice and I'll be back to normal.

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Note: Today's winning number in the Tri-State One-Number Lottery is, for the 7,889th consecutive day: 1.  The $29 jackpot will be divided up, as usual, among the 29 people who bought tickets for a buck each.  Congratulations.  Again.
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United States Polka Association logo
16 days!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Election Day 2014: 181
Days 'til the United States Polka Association's 46th annual Festival and Convention in Strongsville, OH: 16
Illnesses and deaths, respectively, that will be prevented over the course of their lifetimes from vaccinating kids over the last 20 years: 322 million, 732,000
"Direct" and "societal" costs, respectively, that those
vaccinations will save: $295 billion, $1.3 trillion
(Source: CDC's response to the anti-vaccination kooks)
Current service-sector index number (anything over 50 signifies expansion): 55
(Source: Institute for Supply Management)
Amount airlines made last year from fees for changing a ticket or reservation, up 10 percent from 2012: $2.81 billion
(Source: Dept. of Transportation)

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (including 4 Drug Abuses and 1 case of man-computer marriage).  Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  I call dibs on "Sherlock Roams."

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CHEERS to blessin' this popsicle stand.  Before we go any further, please rise for our opening prayer:

"Bouncin' baby Jesus
Bouncin' baby Jesus
Bouncin' baby Jesus
On Scalia's knee.
Amen."
Those of you who didn't rise, consider your zoning permit requests denied.

CHEERS and JEERS to tallying up the tarheels.  Yesterday was primary day in some states, and most eyeballs were fixated on North Carolina.  Here are the results: Democratic incumbent Senator Kay Hagen will face "establishment" Republican Thom Tillis, not teabagger Whatsisname.  That makes her job winning re-election more challenging but doable.  Clay Aiken may or may not have won his primary race in the 2nd congressional district.  And, sad to say, that former drag queen and "Miss Gay America Pageant" organizer-turned-homophobic Ayn Rand-worshipping jerk Whatshisname lost his chance to run for something.  Remember, kids: when you need accurate, concise, detailed and up-to-date news and information, always turn to us here at Cheers and Jeers, so we can remind you that you won't find it here.

JEERS to the fudgiest fudgers in Fudgeland.  This was not a case of voter fraud.  It was a case of vote counting fraud.  I'm talking about that "landslide" vote to give Crimea back to Russia---what a sham:

The website of the “President of Russia’s Council on Civil Society and Human Rights” posted a blog that was quickly taken down as if it were toxic radioactive waste. According to the Council’s report about the March referendum to annex Crimea, the turnout was a maximum 30%. And of these, only half voted for annexation---meaning only 15 percent of Crimean citizens voted for annexation. […]

To make sure no one misses this:

Official Kremlin results: 97% for annexation, turnout 83 percent, and percent of Crimeans voting in favor 82%.

President’s Human Rights Council results: 50% for annexation, turnout 30%, percent of Crimeans voting in favor 15%.

Meanwhile Karl Rove, armed with his own math, called Crimea for Mitt Romney.

CHEERS to sending in the international cavalry.  When Britain offered to send law enforcement agents to rescue those kidnapped schoolgirls from Boko the Terrible, Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan said, "That's nice."  But when John Kerry offered to send the FBI---aka G-men, aka the Feds, aka Hoover's boys, but never call them coppers because they hate that---to knock some heads, Goodluck Jonathan said, "Lock and load, motherf-[bleep!]…"

Have fedoras, will travel.

JEERS to power gripping.  So to recap: Egyptians threw out Hosni Mubarek (who turned 86 Sunday) because he was ruling with too much of an iron fist.  Then the military ruled for a while with an iron fist.  Then the Muslim Brotherhood won an election and ruled with an iron fist.  Then they got tossed out in a second revolution and the military took over again and ruled with an iron fist.  Now the expected winner of the upcoming May 26-27 elections, Fattah al-Sisi, says he'll .  I'll say this for them: they're consistent.  And I'll say this against them: they're consistent.

JEERS to another edition of "Things That Make Me Feel Old."  Bob Seger turned 69 yesterday.  This has been another edition of "Things That Make Me Feel Old."

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Five years ago in C&J: May 7, 2009

CHEERS to champagne wishes and caviar dreams!  The chairman of the Federal Reserve, Benjamin Button Bernanke, says: "We continue to expect economic activity to bottom out, then to turn up later this year.  Even after a recovery gets under way ... we expect that the recovery will only gradually gain momentum and that economic slack will diminish slowly."  Woo hoo!  Consider my order for a diamond-studded Hummer placed.  (And double my inventory of credit default swaps---whatever the hell they are.)

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Cover of Elizabeth Warren's book
Home run!
And just one more…

CHEERS to sealing our legacy in the amber of the printed page.  Senator and card-carrying Kossack Elizabeth Warren is out with a new book!  A Fighting Chance has been burning up the charts (currently #5 in combined hardcover and e-book sales on the NYT bestseller list), and I just snagged my own copy.  Naturally, the first thing I did was what everyone does: fumble madly to crack it open and look for my name in the index.  Aaaaand…rats.  It goes straight from "Big tobacco" to "Bipartisan Student Loan Certainty Act."  So then I looked up Daily Kos and… Yes! We made it!  Page 250.  A very nice shoutout:

Moveon.org also put their shoulder to the wheel. And Daily Kos, Democracy for America, and Progressives United rallied their huge e-mail lists time and again behind our campaign. To say I felt humbled by these extraordinary efforts doesn't begin to cut it. So many people made real sacrifices, and I was grateful for all their help.
[Tips cowboy hat]  Tweren't nothin', ma'am.  Happy to oblige.

Have a nice Wednesday.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

"I wish Cheers and Jeers could come with a big caption that says 'Do not try this at home.'"
---Saul Villeda, UC San Francisco

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