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Last night, Stephen Colbert had some fun at the expense of Fox Business's Stuart Varney, who thinks he's all that.

So it hurts to see Stu and Fox Business tanking in the ratings, averaging just 54,000 daytime viewers. To put that in perspective, if you laid 54,000 people end to end, they'd still rather do that than watch Fox Business. (audience laughter) .... Who would've thought someone watches Stu Varney? And guess what, folks? That man was not alone.
STUART VARNEY (5/6/2014): Ten yards down the street, I'm buying mangoes from a fruit stand. A guy says, "Hey, you look great in jeans."
You want ratings, Fox Business executives? America demands more Stu Varney badonkadonk!
Video and full transcript below the fold.


You know that it's absolutely no secret that I am an enormous fan of Fox Business.  It's the first place I turn for financial news when it's left on at my dentist.  And there's no one I love more on the Fo'Bizzle than Stu Varney.  So it hurts to see Stu and Fox Business tanking in the ratings, averaging just 54,000 daytime viewers.  To put that in perspective, if you laid 54,000 people end to end, they'd still rather do that than watch Fox Business.  (audience laughter)

Stu is keeping a stiff upper face.  He knows that there is a better measure than ratings to find out if people watch your show.

STUART VARNEY (5/6/2014): OK, so I'm walking the streets of New York yesterday.  Actually, I was trying to figure out how the bus system worked, but that's another story, actually.  OK, I'm walking along, and a young man coming towards me looks at me very closely.  Ehh, he's not dressed like a banker, far from it.  He sticks out his hand, and I think he wants money.  Instead, he says, "Let me shake your hand."  I still think he wants money, but no!  He wants advice on a stock.  Who would've thought?  He is a viewer!
(audience laughter)

Yes!  Who would've thought someone watches Stu Varney?  And guess what, folks?  That man was not alone.

STUART VARNEY (5/6/2014): Ten yards down the street, I'm buying mangoes from a fruit stand.  A guy says, "Hey, you look great in jeans."
You want ratings, Fox Business executives?  America demands more Stu Varney badonkadonk!

(audience laughter)

And that, believe it or not, that was not the end of Stewie's day out.

STUART VARNEY (5/6/2014): Then I go past a bus stop.  Thirty people in line, one of them steps out and asks for a picture.  Everybody else turns to stare at me.  The man says, "He's on Fox, it's OK, the British guy!"  Surprise, surprise, there was a generally positive response.  (audience laughter)  "Ohh, I know him!"
And those are smart viewers, folks.  Because unlike Stu Varney, they know how the bus system works.  (audience laughter and applause)

Now folks, I gotta tell ya, I can really identify with Varney's tale of being recognized by the great unwashed masses.  Why, just this past fortnight, I was perambulating along the Broadway, when I came to the Square of Time, and was approached by a young man.  He was not dressed as a banker, oh no.  He was covered in red fur.

And he said he wanted his picture with me.  And then asked for $5 dollars.  Clearly, he could see I am a successful man of broadcasting.  Then, I made my way to the district famed for its packing of meats, where I was immediately set upon by several eager young ladies...

who were such fans, they asked if I needed a date.  One even offered me a job in some sort of hand factory, I believe.  (hysterical audience laughter)

The point is, ladies and gentlemen, the point is I don't know how buses work.  We'll be right back.

Stephen also looked at the GOP primary fight in FL-03, talking with challenger Jake Rush.

Meanwhile, Jon focused on a bill about yogurt in the New York state senate with Jessica Williams.


Deranged millionaire John Hodgman then came on to declare he wanted to buy the Clippers.

Stephen talked with actress Ellen Page, and Jon talked with Katie Couric about her new documentary film Fed Up about the food we eat.  You should go see it.

Originally posted to Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group on Fri May 09, 2014 at 05:30 AM PDT.

Also republished by Daily Kos.

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