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Yes, I do. If the second amendment to the Constitution doesn't limit my right to bear arms, I want to make a splash. A single rifle is simply not enough, even if it's fully automatic. Let's face it, if I'm going to organize with like-minded friends to Protect My Rights (against my less-like-minded neighbors' rights) I need to get serious. Not to mention organized. The militia's supposed to get organized, right? Nothing more organized than a nice, tidy gunboat.

Well, except maybe a bigger gunboat. Or a battleship. Or an aircraft carrier. I'm pretty sure the Constitution guarantees my rights to those as well. But I'm not rich, as everyone knows. I can't even FANTASIZE that rich. Besides, if I could afford a battleship, I'd already own the United States -- as everyone also knows. The Supreme Court says that'd be fine.

So I'll stick to the gunboat. I'll take it out and about, to problem spots, like Seattle. I'm  a former Seattleite (5th generation Pacific Northwesterner, unlike you recent immigrants who sneaked in from California and places east; we really should build a wall). I know what needs guarding on the coast, the Straits and Puget Sound. To start with, anyone developing land near Sequim. I wouldn't mind patrolling Sequim Bay with a lot of meaningful ... friends. In blue of course. Camouflage looks silly on the coast, as everyone knows. Well, the boat would be gray. (See above) Blue looks even sillier as camouflage on the Washington coast. It stands out like a sore thumb almost every day of the year.

Maybe later we'd take it and cruise up and down the Mississippi. There are a lot of strange voting rules being put in place. My militia needs to guard the rights of the citizens in those states. Maybe we should just go up and down the lower states. Minnesota's doing pretty well (blue state, bless her) and nothing significant really ever happens along the Mississippi till you get below the Mason Dixon line. Well, nothing very interesting to non-gunboat owners, anyway.

People might complain, but then, that's what anti-Americans do. The NRA would defend our rights. Other gunboat aficionados might even join us. Hey! Gunboat partay! In which case the blue uniforms are going to have to be swimming suits, yes? After a few drinks, we can head straight for Georgia and exercise our right to take our gunboat drinking with us.

Possibly I could inspire people to acquire helicopters set up with appropriate rocket launchers. That would be fun! Nothing like a parade, right? We could have a very special parade right there down the Mississippi, our gunboats, our choppers, and... hmmm. Perhaps a few barges with combat troops doing special drills. And shouting special slogans at anyone who looks particularly threatening, like truckers with inappropriate flags. Or women with small children who aren't waving and smiling. Because, after all, showing hostility to any well-armed and organized militia is showing hostility to the Constitution, and should be recognized as such.

We'd end up in Florida. And there we'd Stand Our Ground.

Usually trigger warnings come in advance, but since that didn't seem practical here, I'd like to point out that this is satire. I am not actually advocating buying gunboats. I'm just testing the limits of the concept that the 2nd amendment means that people should be able to carry modern weapons without limitations.

(Otoh, I'd give a lot to own a boat of any kind, so if anyone wanted me to test the constitutional limits, I'm free for that Mississippi cruise.)

Sun May 11, 2014 at 11:28 PM PT: I think DK should have prizes for Funniest comments page. This made me very happy all weekend. Thank you, folks! (And the Right's militia clearly would flee our flotilla, every single volunteer of it!)

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