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Late Night Snark: Potent Quotables

"I have spent the last week in a rage over the Obama administration's new 800-page national climate assessment that claims we're ruining the environment. It made me so angry, I printed it five times. … But then I read the report, and I have to admit it is so terrifying that it left a carbon footprint in my pants."
---Stephen Colbert

Filming has begun and my
inner geek is freaking...OUT!
"The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams."
---Conan O'Brien

"Rush [Limbaugh]---the quivering rage heap who is apparently desperately trying to extinguish any remaining molecule of humanity that might still reside in the Chernobyl-esque Superfund cleanup site that was his soul."
---Jon Stewart

"Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that could fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour. Apparently the engines are powered by human screams."
---Seth Meyers

"A British ice cream maker has created a new flavor of ice cream that mixes champagne and Viagra. Perfect for anyone who wants to eat something that tastes like Donald Trump's burps."
---SNL's Cecily Strong

And looking ahead...
"The forecast for this weekend is 'Benghazi.' Make sure you bring a straitjacket."
---Bill Maher
We hear Lindsay Graham's is covered with sequins.

Oh, hey, have fun with the poll. Your west coast-friendly edition of  Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 16, 2014

Note: Prominent Republican campaign consultant diagnosed with severe case of Traumatic Being Born Karl Rove Syndrome.  Film at 11.

Garden Grove Strawberry Festival logo...California
7 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 7
Days 'til the 56th annual Garden Grove Strawberry Festival in California: 7
Number of unemployment claims this week, a pre-Bush-recession low: 297,000
Percent of respondents to a Fox News poll who believe President Obama is doing a good job on the economy---a 4½-year high: 46%
Percent in that Fox poll who say they like Obamacare, an all-time high: 43%
Percent of the U.S. population that currently lives in states where same-sex couples can marry, a number that will easily top 50% by year's end: 42%
(Source: Washington Post)
Percent of Germany's power that came from renewable sources last Sunday, a record high: 74%
(Source: Think Progress)


NEW!  Michele Bachmann Departure Countdown

Michele Bachmann and her googly eyes leave Congress in 232 days.

Light refreshments and party hats will be served.


Puppy Pic of the Day: Chinese Puppies reenact life in the C&J household during the winter of aught fourteen.


CHEERS to our new tri-corn-hatted, pistol-packin' overlords.  This morning 30 million patriots participating in Operation American Spring descended on Washington D.C., where they promptly placed President Obama, his cabinet, and the congressional leadership in jail.  Addressing the jubilant crowd, newly-appointed President Louie Gohmert unveiled our new loyalty oath:

I pledge allegiance to the flag
that says "Don’t tread on me" right on it.
And to the new loose confederation of states for which it stands
One tea party nation, under an angry white God
with guns and ammo for all.
Update: Whoops!  The full brunt of the revolution had to be postponed because of raindrops.  I'm told they'll reschedule it once they've impeached all the meteorologists.

CHEERS to Adam and Steve & Adele and Eve.  We'll be hoisting a glass of champagne tomorrow to toast a notable event in American history: the day ten years ago when America's first marriage licenses were issued to same-sex couples.  And the lead attorney who so deftly shaped the arguments that convinced the state Supreme Court to rule in equality's favor was---and still is, for many more years we hope---a Mainer.  Mary Bonauto remembers that wild day:

Maine Attorney Mary Bonauto, who won the case that brought marriage equality to Massachusetts in 2004.
Mary Bonauto: Hero of the
LGBT civil rights movement
Sharpshooters were on the roof of Boston City Hall as Bonauto escorted three couples to get marriage licenses on May 17, 2004.  Police led her to their weddings through the throngs of well-wishers and protesters.

At the Arlington Street Church, Bonauto witnessed Rob Compton and Dave Wilson, wearing classic black tuxes and matching red-striped ties, saying their vows, as they all fought back tears.  "I was sitting in the church, and I just didn't realize I was gonna fall apart to see, OK, there are Dave and Rob, and they are finally getting married," she says. "I was sitting next to Rob's mother, and she kept handing me tissues. It was her son, and I was the one who was a total mess."

Hearing the minister say, "By the power vested in me, by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts" was profound, Bonauto says. "Hearing those words and knowing it was true just changed everything. ... That had never happened before legally in this country. It felt like the cage had been lifted off, and it was just a different world from that point forward."

After looking up the list of traditional anniversary gifts, I've decided to send all you gay 10-year Bay State couples something useful made out of aluminum.  We hope you enjoy the bathrobes.

JEERS to disappearing acts not involving trained magicians.  Today is Endangered Species Day, which is billed as "an opportunity for people of all ages to learn about the importance of protecting endangered species."  I'm proud to say I did my part.  I snapped a photo of a Republican for posterity.

JEERS to the gate to end all "…gates."  Since 1973, we've had Iran-Contragate, Travelgate, Monicagate, U.S. Attorneygate, Plamegate and, in the case of the Obama administration as seen through the right-wingers' lens: "Day-ending-in-y-gate."  But the big kahuna of gates got underway 41 years ago tomorrow, when the televised Watergate hearings began.  I remember them well, mainly because my mom watched every second of them and they pre-empted my afternoon cartoons:

Senator Sam Ervin, chairman of the Senate Watergate hearings
Watergate hearings chairman Sam
Ervin was a bulldog...and a hoot.
A month after the televised hearings, which started May 17, 1973, an astonishing 97 percent of Americans had heard of Watergate, according to the U.S. Senate website.  And 67 percent believed that President Nixon had participated in a cover-up of the 1972 break-in at the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the Watergate office complex in Washington.  Nixon never confessed and declared that “I have never been a quitter” right before he did just that.
To commemorate tomorrow's 41st anniversary, Fox News will spend the day putting a "D" after Nixon's name.

JEERS to another distraction from reality.  As if communications technology wasn't already pulling our brains in enough directions, here comes the next gotta-have, now available to everyone:

Sex on the beach in highball glass
Google Highball Glass
Now that Google Glass has become something of a punch line or a pariah, and word is out that the markup on the cost of building each unit could be as high as 1,000 percent, the beta program to test out the wearable augmented-reality display is finally open to the public. … The Glass team has very slowly been opening up the Glass beta test over the last year, first through invitations and recently by way of a one-day sale window that was open to the public. Now, in a post on Google+, the company says it's going to be keeping that window open, more or less: "starting today anyone in the US can buy the Glass Explorer Edition, as long as we have it on hand."
As much as consumers will like Google Glass, there's one group of people who will simply love it: doctors who specialize in face-lamppost collisions.

Pack mule
California Chrome's secret
to winning the big races:
packing enough energy bars.
CHEERS to home vegetation.  Plenty on the tube to distract us this weekend, starting tonight with Whose Line (CW), Maddow and then Real Time, where Bill Maher snarks with Democratic firebrand Brian Schweitzer, Kevin Nealon, Dr. Robert Lustic, Ian Bremmer and professional GOP lie consultant Kellyanne Conway, GOPLC.  New DVD releases include Frankenstein 3-D and the Oscar-winning Her.  The baseball schedule is here (the Red Sox will "defang" the Tigers Ha Ha Ha!), the NHL playoff schedule is here (the Bruins are DEAD to me until next season) and the NBA playoff bracket is here.  "California Chrome" goes for jewel #2 in the Triple Crown tomorrow---post time for the 139th Preakness is 6:20 ET.  SNL wraps up its season with host Adam Samberg.  And Sunday on Cosmos, Neil deGrasse Tyson takes an in-depth look at the legitimacy of Senator Marco Rubio's arguments refuting man-made climate change, and then spends the remaining 59 minutes and 30 seconds on other stuff.

On Bill Moyers & Company, a discussion of how to save the planet from both climate change and static cling.  And here's your Sunday morning lineup, which could change if the 30-Million-Man government takeover included the broadcast media:

Meet the Press: ?????  Are they running soccer again this weekend? If so...yeehaw!!!

This Week: Facts and opinion on the sexual assault epidemic plaguing America’s colleges with TIME’s Eliza Gray and University of Kentucky president Eli Capilouto; Roundtable with Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN), Bill Kristol, Jennifer Granholm and Peggy Noonan; Barbara Walters tribute.

Up with Steve Kornacki on MSNBC
C&J sanity tip: skip these dumb
shows and watch Steve instead.
Face the Nation: Tim Geithner hawks his book; Michael Bloomberg on climate change, gun control and the 9/11 museum; Obama's chief of staff Denis McDonough; roundtable with Jackie Calmes (disgraced NYT), Jerry Seib (WSJ), Katrina Vanden Huevel (The Nation) and John Dickerson (CBS News).

CNN's State of the Union: Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick, Newt Gingrich, Anita Dunn, Amy Walter, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), California Gov. Jerry Brown, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Are you ready for some Dick and Lynn Cheney karaoke???!!!  Well, forget about it because they're only coming on to bash Obama and hawk the old lady's new revisionist-history book on James Madison. (Spoiler alert: he completely supported torturing al Qaeda suspects and bombing Iran, and touted the many health benefits of shooting lawyers in the face.)

And finally, a Game of Thrones SPOILER ALERT: in a rare show of unity, the leaders of every kingdom sign a document agreeing that the invention of deodorant can't come soon enough.  Happy viewing!


Five years ago in C&J: May 16, 2009

JEERS to the worldly wisdom of John Boehner.  Yesterday the House majority leader gave some kind of whiny press conference and, half listening, we caught this little snippet: "If they're gonna have these truth commissions, which, by the way, I think is a bad idea..."  I didn’t have to shut the TV off.  It did it all by itself.  [5/16/14 Update: But when Republicans want to have truth commissions that really are a bad idea, Boehner thinks they're A-OK!]


And just one more…

CHEERS to a nice way to end the week.  They say you shouldn’t go to bed mad, and I think the same is true for going into weekends.  Between Nigeria and Ukraine and knee-deep oil spills in L.A. and Antarctica going bye-bye and the senseless death of the…[Buffering. Please wait. Or pay up. Whichever.]…internet, there's plenty to feel royally PO'd about.  But in one small corner of the world there's a happy ending for a boy and his dog-clobbering bodyguard cat:

Jeremy Triantafilo with his family cat Tara, who saved him from a dog attack in May, 2014.  
Jeremy Triantafilo, 4, with his hero cat Tara.
I declare this week...over.  Drink liberally.

Have a tiptoe-through-the-tulips weekend.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?



Who won the week?

0%31 votes
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0%21 votes
12%428 votes
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1%61 votes
37%1283 votes

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