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Going Rogue
Sarah Palin was a no-show. 'Nuff said.

Redneck Nuptials
Coup! What coup? A&E was filming a wedding episode of Duck Dynasty. Those were invited guests on the Mall.
Death Before Lettuce
For fear of accidentally eating Michelle Obama's White House-grown salad, the revolution convened for lunch to the one Chick-fil-a in the D.C. area. It was closed. Disheartened, everyone went home.
A Real Gullywasher!
Up to 30 million would-be attendees were apparently trapped in their mobile homes due to raging beltway floodwaters.
Death Camp
On asking directions to the revolution, patriots were deceived into going to the DC area FEMA Camp instead.
False Flag
Really an elaborate hoax, Operation American Spring was a brilliant ruse by the  popcorn industry duping 10-30 million liberals into purchasing and consuming tons of extra-buttery popcorn goodness while enjoying the comedic stylings of the Tea Bagger Troupe. (Well played Redenbacher. Well played.)
Out of Brains
Ironically, the American Neurological Association was in town for the kick-off of its new outreach campaign, "Get a Brain, Morans!" Sadly, there just weren't enough brains to go around.
NSA Spying
Due to selective hashtag hacking by the government, only relentless republican ridicule and merciless taunting appeared on social media. Thanks Obama!
Ninja Militia
Organizers and attendees were so well prepared for overthrowing the current government and installing an overtly Christian conservative regime, they were not visible to the naked eye.
Wait! Was that today?
Due to a scheduling conflict with the Rapture, which occurred just before 10:00 a.m. EST this morning, the remaining protesters, apparently insufficiently "bathed in God's light," have vowed to "dedicate themselves to becoming even more irrational and intolerant," in hopes of weaning their way back into God’s good graces.

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