From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Build Your Own Poutrage Sundae!
When it comes to throwing pity parties in the wake of a gay-marriage decision that goes against them, conservative grifter-haters are second to none. And now, thanks to Billy's EZ Marriage Ruling Response Generator, you, too, can create your own online response in less time than it takes to build an ark and float away on a sea of tears. Just pick a line from each list below. Here...try it:
We are deeply saddened by
We are deeply outraged by
We are deeply disappointed by
We are deeply saddened, outraged and disappointed by
This redefinition of marriage.
This act of shoving a deviant lifestyle down our throats.
This travesty of justice.
This rogue judge and his liberal agenda.
This substitution of personal opinion for natural law.
This bulldozing of our founding principles
This wadding up of the will of voters and throwing it on the progressive trash heap.
It will tear at the fabric of
It will have a chilling effect on
It will ignite a firestorm of woe upon
It will erode the foundation of
It will lead us down a dark and dangerous path toward destroying
It will plunge a dagger into the very heart of
It will unleash destruction on
The true meaning of marriage.
The family structure.
The Judeo Christian values on which this country was founded.
Everything we hold sacred.
Our children, our children's children, our children's children's children, and so on.
Mandatory P.S.See? It's easy! And with a little practice you, too, can put yourself on a dark and dangerous slippery slope of woe as a Bible-thumping conservative doomsayer. Not sure why you'd want to, but it's always nice to have options.
We're on the cusp of turning back the tide! Please contribute $1,000, $500, $100---or any amount at all---so we can continue the fight against judicial tyranny, and restore traditional family values before it becomes illegal to be a heterosexual in America.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Note: [Sniff Sniff] I detect a three-day weekend ahead. Smells like corn on the cob, steak and freedom pie. Not necessarily in that order.-
Days 'til Atlantic hurricane season begins: 11
Days 'til the Chocolate and Chalk Art Festival in Berkeley: 10
Amount in emergency funds being given to Texas A&M's World Coffee Research center to figure out how to fight the "coffee rust" fungus affecting growers in Central America: $5 million
Amount Credit Suisse has to pay in fines for helping rich Americans, through offshore havens, get out of paying their taxes: $2.6 billion
Number of Americans expected to travel (88% by car) more than 50 miles over the Memorial Day weekend: 36.1 million (an increase of 1.5% over last year)
Height of the apartment complex in North Korea that collapsed, killing hundreds and prompting a rare "apology" from the assholes in charge over there: 23 stories
Current single-day ticket price for those 10 and up at Disneyland: $96
Mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (including 4 apostasies and 10 million apparently prematurely-raptured government takeoverers). Soul Protection Factor 36 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
Puppy Pic of the Day: The latest Maddie on Things things Maddie is on.
CHEERS to Super Tuesday! Big doings last night in the several states where votin' was going on. On the Democratic side, the big (if unsurprising) stories are that Alison Lundergan Grimes and Michelle Nunn will be the next senators from Kentucky and Georgia. As for the Republicans, there were some epic showdowns between teabaggers and establishment types. But given that the only difference between teabaggers and establishments types these days is their names, we'll just say, "They won." Now let's hope they lose.
P.S. I should add that neither the biker nor the curmudgeon won their governor primary in Idaho. Oh well. Sayonara and thanks for all the turds in the punchbowl!
CHEERS to another victory for the jazz hands of justice. "Red Rover to base…Red Rover to base. The northeast is secure. Repeat: the northeast is secure." Yup---with Pennsylvania's induction into the gay marriage hall of fame yesterday, the entire region has turned marriage-equality blue:
CHEERS to partying parties. On this date in 1832, the first Democratic National Convention got under way in Baltimore. The top issue was Andrew Jackson's contempt for the Second Bank of the United States. And there was this curious factoid:
1832 Democratic convention.
[T]he Summary of the Proceedings notes that a delegation was sent to ask Charles Carroll of Carrollton to attend. At that moment in time, he was the last surviving signer of the Declaration of Independence.But the highlight was Martin Van Buren's Veep speech, delivered while sucking helium from red, white and blue balloons. "His voice doth emit a humorous tone. Guffaw, I say! Guffaw!" Wild times.
Carroll declined, citing ill health. (He died later that year.)
JEERS to shoving a pro-yackety yack agenda down our throats. A bunch of tech companies eager to exploit a new revenue stream want government permission to let your hard-of-hearing Aunt Gladys bellow into her cellphone for hours in a small tube hurtling through the air with a bunch of innocent bystanders, including me, serving as her captive audience as she describes her bunion surgery to Aunt Mimi in infinite detail:
BLOOD ON THE FLOOR AND SAYS..."
Makers of smartphones and networking gear urged U.S. regulators to end a ban on in-flight calls, adding their voices to an issue that's roused public cries against noisy airplane seatmates.If approved, the companies will launch a new ad campaign: "Can you hate us even more now? Good."
The Federal Communications Commission should end its ban so text, data "and even voice connectivity" can be available to airborne passengers, including those on long-haul international flights, three trade associations said in a joint filing to the agency Friday.
CHEERS to broads at the ballot box. Ninety-six years ago today, in 1918, the House of Representatives passed the amendment that gave women voting rights. Some of the white-hairs at the Country Club are still fuming in their scotch.
Five years ago in C&J: May 21, 2009
CHEERS to reining in Big Plastic. Yesterday the Senate voted 90-5 to adopt new rules that will stop the credit card companies from being total dickheads. Among the provisions are more plain-spoken language on statements; rules on how often they can raise interest rates; a 21-day grace period to pay bills; more restrictions on issuing cards to people under 21; and, of course, the most important part of any credit card legislation:
One amendment attached to the Senate bill by Senator Tom Coburn, Republican of Oklahoma, would restore a Bush administration policy allowing loaded guns in national parks.
Yes, because bears are notorious for stealing people's MasterCards and going on nut and berry binges at Whole Foods. Good catch, Senator!
And just one more…
CHEERS to the junior senator from Minnesota. Happy Birthday to Al Franken, who turns 63 today. Is anyone surprised that he's a hard-working, smart-as-a-whip, solidly progressive United States Senator? Yeah, me neither---and, oh, how that still makes Bill O'Reilly seethe---Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!! As Al succinctly wrote in his classic bestseller, LIES and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them…
Yes, I am a liberal, and I'm proud of it. It's a term we need to reclaim. Because I believe that most Americans are liberals just like me. Most Americans believe in helping people. And most Americans believe that the government has a role to play---to create opportunity, to protect the environment, to provide for the common good. ...Franken, the only sitting senator who can draw a map of the USA from memory (Republicans are still trying to get the shape of the earth right), hasn't tried to hog the national spotlight, and I think that's smart, considering he beat Norm Coleman by only a handful of votes and had a lot of proving to do back home that he wasn't going to simply be Senator Yucksalot. I suspect that'll change a bit after he wins reelection. For now, you can see his commitment to net neutrality, opposition to mega-mergers, and dedication to liberal issues at his Senate office and Facebook pages. Happy birthday, Al. Blessings on your camels. Hugs to Frannie.
While it might not seem like I'm changing the tone when I accuse my friends on the right of being liars, my hope is that, if we keep calling them on their calculated dishonesty, their dishonesty will lose its effectiveness. Then O'Reilly and company will have to resort to Plan B: name-calling. Which, I think, will expose them for what they are. Stupid bastards.
Have a Wednesday that splits your week in half like a ginsu knife through a sweet, ripe melon. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:-
Because Cheers and Jeers is a never ending source of nightmarish horrors, unsuspecting kiddie-poolers were treated to the monstrosity you see above on Monday. It's Bill in Portland Maine, with a cartoonishly large mouth and fang-like teeth.
---Daily Digest News.