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Florida State Rep. Charles Van Zant
Alrighty then.
This month's new conspiracy theory, proffered by Republican State Rep. Charles Van Zant of Florida, a man who despite these outbursts does not seem to be running for president, which seems a waste, is that standardized testing is a plot to turn your kids gay.
"Our new secretary of education in Florida recently appointed AIR to receive the $220 million contract for end-of-course exam testing and to prepare those tests. Please -- go on their website. Click the link to what they are doing with youth, and you will see what their agenda really is. They are promoting as hard as they can any youth that is interested in the LGBT agenda and even name it 2-S, which they define as having two spirits. The Bible says a lot about being double-minded.

"These people that will now receive $220 million from the state of Florida, unless this is stopped, will promote double mindedness in state education, and attract every one of your children to become as homosexual as they possibly can. I'm sorry to report that to you. ... I really hate to bring you that news, but you need to know."

Wheeeeeeeee! Now there's a man whose trolley no longer makes it to the top of the hill. (Also see here for a standard explanation as to how PolitiFact continues to screw up everything they touch.)

Please read below the fold for more of this ridiculous story.

Despite the obvious insanity of claiming that new testing standards are a plot to "attract" all of your kids into The Gay—and these are the people that have variously pronounced the Teletubbies, Spongebob Squarepants and the newest Disney movie to all be Too Gay, so the insanity bar on imagined plots to turn your kids gay is already very, very high. Van Zant is standing by his statement.

If you just go look on their website,, you see that they’re very much in support and say on their website that they’re supportive and provide all sorts of research data and things regarding the LGBT agenda, the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender agenda. I don’t believe that that has any place being introduced into Florida’s schools. I further do not believe that we have a place to make that a part of Florida’s curricula. If they’re of that mindset, then I believe we need people that are going to major on what’s real in education, what the child should be learning, the basic three R’s, learning history, learning American history, learning civics, and doing those things that a parent expects to be able to send their child to school to learn.
In Van Zant's defense, does mention LGBT youth here and there without proposing they be burned at the stake, which is apparently all it takes to be Too Damn Supportive. How this translates into recruiting children into The Gay via a comprehensive array of math and English tests is left to his (vivid) imagination, but presumably involves the usual Gay Osmosis. The kids will know this company doesn't believe in burning kids at the stake. You may see a math problem involving common denominators, but the kids will know. The kids will know.

Sigh. Well, we should probably just be thankful that Van Zant didn't try to tie Agenda 21 into his theory and leave it at that. I feel we've gotten to the point where we should be handing out medals to Republicans who keep their conspiracies neat and tidy, without dragging in the United Nations and Gay Black Helicopters and FEMA camps for anyone who has learned the secret truth behind Spongebob.

Originally posted to Hunter on Wed May 21, 2014 at 10:02 AM PDT.

Also republished by Daily Kos.

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