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Star Trek: Predicting the Future since 1966
"It's springtime and earlier today Chris Christie closed the George Washington Bridge for a pollen study."
---David Letterman

"Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform."
---Stephen Colbert

"Republicans have pounced [on the problems at the VA]. They're outraged. They say, 'How dare you lie about caring for the people who got hurt in the war we lied them into?!!"
---Bill Maher

"Scientists in London say they've invented a process that can actually turn light into matter, but warned people that their results won’t be visible to the human eye. Well, in that case, I invented it too."
---Jimmy Fallon

"A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart. Or, as they call that in Arizona: taking a selfie."
---Seth Meyers

And this spot-on diagnosis from five years ago:
"Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Ballsheimer's disease. Ballsheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure."
---Jon Stewart
Goodbye, May. It's been fun. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 30, 2014

Note: C&J will not appear on Monday.  Back Tuesday.  Also: I'll unfortunately be on the road when this gets posted, so no tip jar tonight.  But: whoever posts the first (frist?) comment will receive "much luck and fortune for good your family and aquntenaces in happytime for life with starbursts in bed," according to this fortune cookie I just cracked open.  Speedyfingers go!  ---Mgt.

Red Earth Festival (Oklahoma City) logo
6 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til same-sex couples can get married in every Illinois county: 2
Days 'til the Red Earth Festival in Oklahoma City: 6
Contraction in GDP during the first quarter of 2014: 1%
Percent of U.S. craft beer sales last year that were India Pale Ales (IPAs), versus 9 percent the year before: 12%
(Source: Nielsen Newswire)
Rank of malware, phishing and network disruption among most common forms of cybercrime: #1, #2, #3
(Source: AP)
Number of bees in the nest that was removed from a tree in New York City's upper west side and transferred to the top of the Waldorf Astoria Hotel: 16,000
Years of experience NYPD beekeeper Anthony Planakis has: 38
(Source: UPI)


NEW!  Michele Bachmann Departure Countdown

Michele Bachmann and her googly eyes leave Congress in 218 days.  That's great news, of course, but ya gotta feel bad about the imminent wave of unemployed Pinocchios.


Puppy Pic of the Day: You can lead a horse to….um, where ya leadin' that horse, puppy???


CHEERS to the pic of the week.  From Fred Karger's Rights Equal Rights group, which brought this complaint to Maine.  And, boy, did I have fun writing the caption:

National Organization for Marriage (NOM) heads John Eastman and Brian Brown getting their heads handed to them (read: a record fine) by the Maine Ethics Commission for laundering campaign money during The 2009 marriage-equality referendum here.
National Organization for Marriage (NOM)
president Brian Brown (right) getting his
head handed to him (read: a record fine) by
the Maine Ethics Commission for laundering
campaign money during The 2009 marriage
referendum here. This is the defeat the've
been dreading for five years, and the victory
pro-marriage forces have been waiting to savor.
Details here.  Too bad, though, it didn't include jail time.

JEERS to turbulent times ahead.  Enjoy the next 30 hours, all you gulf- and east-coasters.  Hurricane season starts Sunday.  But the good news is that the NOAA forecast ain't too bad at all:

Prepare for hurricane season by
yelling "Holy shit!" over and over.
NOAA’s 2014 Atlantic Hurricane Season Outlook indicates that a near-normal or below-normal hurricane season is likely this year. The outlook calls for a 50% chance of a below-normal season, a 40% chance of a near-normal season, and only a 10% chance of an above-normal season. Based on the current and expected conditions, combined with model forecasts, we estimate a 70% probability for each of the following ranges of activity during 2014: 8-13 Named Storms, 3-6 Hurricanes [and] 1-2 Major Hurricanes
As a refresher, here are the names associated with the Hurricane Class of 2014 in an easy-to-remember format: Arthur Treacher, Big Bertha, Cristobal the Magnificent, Hello Dolly, Edouard Snowden, Fay Wray, Speedy Gonzalo, Hanna and Her Sisters, Isaias Can You See, Empress Josephine, Kyle from South Park, Laura Clawson, Marco Polo, Nana was what I called my grandmother on my mom's side, Omar Sharif, Paulette Goddard, Walk Away Rene, Sally Field, Teddy Roosevelt, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and Wilfred the cancelled FX TV series with Elijah Wood and a guy in a dog suit.  That's how you develop a Mega Memory!

CHEERS to fresh ink.  On this date in 1783, the Pennsylvania Evening Post was first published by Benjamin Towne in Philadelphia, PA as the first daily paper in the U.S.  Coincidentally, it's also the 231st anniversary of the first "hint" from Heloise.  (To this day we still rely on sprigs of lavender to deodorize ye olde chamberpot.)

Not the winner.
CHEERS to draining the dictionary.  Congratulations to co-champs Sriram Hathwar and Ansun Sujoe (the right-wingers are gonna have a field day with those names) of New York and Texas, who were the last contestants standing at the National Spelling Bee in Washington, D.C.  It's the first tie since 1962.  The winning words---which my spellchecker flagged with the message, "You're drunk again, aren't you?"---were: stichomythia" and "feuilleton".  Coincidentally, both share a common definition: the sound you make right before someone says "gesundheit."

CHEERS to Ol' Marble Butt.  On May 30, 1922---eight years after construction began---the Lincoln Memorial was dedicated in Washington, and immediately classed up the joint by 800 percent:

The Lincoln Memorial under construction
Abe under construction.
Lincoln's statue was sculpted by Daniel Chester French (1850-1931); plaster casts of Lincoln's hands and face were used to make the statue.

The statue is over 3 times actual size; if the statue could stand up, it would be 28 feet tall. The murals were done by Jules Guerin. The 36 Doric columns represent the 36 states of the Union at the time of President Lincoln's death in 1865.

You can go all panoramic at the National Park Service site.  Honest Abe weighs an astonishing 120 tons.  It'd be a lot less if you tourists would quit feeding him chili dogs.

Poster for
Starrrrrrrts tonight.
CHEERS to home vegetation.  Here's some of the haps on the teevee this weekend, starting with John Malkovich swashing his buckle tonight in the premiere of NBC's Crossbones.  (It's rated "Arrrrr!")  New DVD releases include restored editions of Red River and Jack Palance's version of Dracula.  There's also sports on TV, including baseball (the Red Sox are BACK, baby---three in a row!), NBA playoffs, and NHL playoffs.  And Sunday night on Cosmos (sadly only three episodes left), Neil deGrassi Tyson crash lands on the wookie planet of Kashyyk, gets charged with destruction of property, but gets acquitted when the "Chewbacca defense" is used by the actual Chewbacca.

On Bill Moyers & Company, Joseph Stiglitz goes after tax dodgers and their government subsidies.  And here's your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: I think they're preempted by tennis again this weekend.  If not, let's just bank on a blend of two hard-core Republicans for every one centrist Democrat, and 4 men for every woman.  

Sunday on "Face the
Nation: Bernie!!!"
Face the Nation: This weekend it's Bob Schieffer's turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping, and you can bet he'll bring with him a pound of Eric Shinseki's flesh; VA Affairs committee chair Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT); Robert Wallace of the VFW; Gen. Michael Hayden disses on Edward Snowden; roundtable with David Ignatius (WaPost), David Sanger (NYT), Leigh Gallagher (Fortune) and Nancy Cordes (CBS News).

This Week: Hey, I wonder if George will ask Senator Ted Cruz about that timetable for renouncing his commie Canadian citizenship…also too if being a serial liar is inborn or if he had to work at it; National Security Adviser Susan Rice; roundtable with Kristol, Noonan, Smiley and Remnick.

CNN's State of the Union: No idea.  As usual, the website updaters are out back sharing a blunt with the ones from Meet the Press.  Groovy, yo.

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep Jeff Miller (R-FL), Chairman of the House Committee on Veterans’ Affairs; Phoenix VA hospital whistleblower Dr. Sam Foote; RNC Chair Reince Priebus; Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO); roundtable with Evan Bayh, Laura Ingraham, Bob Woodward and Liz Cheney.  To quote Indiana Jones: "Don't watch Fox News Sunday, Marion! No matter what happens, keep your eyes shut!

Oh, and this week's Game of Thrones SPOILER ALERT: a Lannister discovers that Palmolive softens hands while you're doing the beheadings.  Happy viewing!


And just one more...

CHEERS to My Cutie.  Today my partner Michael and I are celebrating our anniversary.  Michael asked me out on my first date ever (he was very insistent, so I guess you could say it was a "mandate"---Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!) on May 30, 1993.  We had a lovely courtship---moonlight strolls and meeting the parents and moving from Michigan to Maine.  Jobs to find, pets to feed, sights to see.  And a slowly evolving, finely tuned form of domestic squabbling, delicately honed for years to the point where today a few sparks fly and, mere moments later, we're over it.  Today is #21.  (As someone said on Facebook, our relationship is now old enough to drink.)  To put that in perspective, we met during Bill Clinton's fifth month in office. And here we are, still together, as Barack Obama charges through his sixth year.  In a tradition I started a few years back, here's the annual posting of a smug snippet from "The new apostle of sanity in sex," David Reuben, M.D.  Forty-five years ago, in 1969, his mega-seller Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask was published and treated as gospel (in fairness, he later took a chill pill and lightened up on us):

LAS VEGAS - UNDATED:  In this handout image provided by the Mirage Resort, Siegfried (L) & Roy pose with a white tiger in this undated photo. Horn, 59-years-old, was mauled and critically injured by a white tiger while performing onstage at the Mirage Resort October 3, 2003 in Las Vegas, Nevada. Horn was taken to University Medical Center in Las Vegas for surgery. The attack occurred on his birthday.  (Photo courtesy of Siegfried & Roy/The Mirage Resort via Getty Images)
Michael and me in 1993.
What about all the homosexuals who live together happily for years?
What about them?  They are mighty rare birds among the homosexual flock.  Moreover, the "happy" part remains to be seen.  The bitterest argument between husband and wife is a passionate love sonnet by comparison with a dialogue between a butch and his queen.  Live together?  Yes.  Happily?  Hardly.
For the record, in our household we know the proper pecking order: the cat's the queen, the dog's the butch, and Michael and I are their humble servants.  Scandalous, I know.  I hope the republic survives.

Have a great weekend.  See ya next month!  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Originally posted to Daily Kos on Fri May 30, 2014 at 04:30 PM PDT.

Also republished by Star Trek fans.


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