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Last night, Jon Stewart came back from a week's break to talk about the UCSB shooting, and the media's reaction to it.

But what about the real victims — the news networks, who are still going to have to waste valuable time going through the motions of covering these inevitable, clearly unstoppable, every day, ordinary, soul-destroying slaughters? So for them, we present a comprehensive reusable one-size-fits-all mass shooting coverage go-kit, to get everybody back to apathy as quickly as possible.
JORDAN KLEPPER: Another mass shooting this afternoon. This is a shocking, horrifying story.

JASON JONES: The cause? No one can say for sure. Possibly media violence. Or dubstep. Or gluten. But definitely something that is not guns.

JESSICA WILLIAMS: Of course there is nothing we can do to stop this from happening. Even though pretty much every other developed country has somehow stopped this from happening.

SAM BEE: And since we can't always stop this from happening, why ever try to stop it from happening? So... we're good? OK! Let's get back to the news.

Video and full transcript below the fold.


Oh, there was another mass shooting.  Seems like that happens every time we're off for a week.  Or when we're working for a week.  Actually, it pretty much happens every fucking week.  Even Google Street View's changed its format to first person shooter.

You know, it's a tragic story, but America's response to this new tragedy has given me hope.  Remember after Columbine and Virginia Tech and Aurora and... all those other ones into Newtown, how we fell into confusion and despair?

REPORTER (4/20/1999): Why this happened will take some time to sort out.

SOLEDAD O'BRIEN (7/23/2012): Big question, of course, today is why.

ERIN BURNETT (12/18/2012) Searching for answers.  That's what we've all been doing.  Trying to understand how this happened and why it happened.

ANDERSON COOPER (12/16/2012): What causes this kind of a shooting?  How can this happen?  And how can they be stopped?

We thought they could be stopped!  Oh Anderson, were we ever so young and innocent?  And yet still completely fucking gray?

We desperately looked for explanations.

CNBC REPORTER (12/19/2012): Some people in Congress blaming violent video games.

MIKE HUCKABEE (12/14/2012): We've systematically removed God from our schools.

DEBORAH FEYERICK (12/18/2012): He was so awkward, so gawky, so out of place, and anti-social.

MEGYN KELLY (12/14/2012): Also being told that his parents were being divorced.

Divorced!!  It's why 50% of marriages end in mass shootings.  (audience laughter)  And then eventually, during the whole process, somebody would get the crazy idea that we should do something about it.
MIKA BRZEZINSKI (1/17/2013): President Obama plans to introduce legislation next week calling for the biggest changes to gun laws this country has seen in two decades.
Now, obviously, none of that went anywhere, but it was a nice sentiment.  It's like offering to help your friend move, when you know your friend is never going to take you up on it, because he's got a weird, almost psychotic, thought that "if only the Jews had had apartments and Hitler hadn't taken their apartments, the Holocaust may never have happened".  (confused audience laughter)

But, something amazing has happened.  A breakthrough, if you will, in the way we deal with the incredibly unique amount of mass shootings we currently experience in this country.  Our grief has moved, as Dr. Kubler-Ross said it would, from denial to anger to bargaining to depression, to our most resolved emotional state.  I give you, acceptance.

RYAN LIZZA (5/27/2014): Gun legislation in the current political climate is just very very unlikely.

CHRIS CUOMO (5/27/2014): The gun debate has become toxified.

SEAN HANNITY (5/28/2014): If they can't kill with a gun, they're going to kill with a knife.

DEBORAH FEYERICK (5/24/2014): It's an ongoing conversation, and it's one that's never going to be resolved.

BILL O'REILLY (5/28/2014): No matter what society does, there will always be mass murder.  Always.

(nervous audience laughter)

Worst Love Is... figurine ever.

(audience laughter)

You see, people, acceptance!  That's where we were trying to get to all along.  It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug.

(audience laughter)

But what about the real victims — the news networks, who are still going to have to waste valuable time going through the motions of covering these inevitable, clearly unstoppable, every day, ordinary, soul-destroying slaughters?  So for them, we present a comprehensive reusable one-size-fits-all mass shooting coverage go-kit, to get everybody back to apathy as quickly as possible.

JORDAN KLEPPER: Another mass shooting this afternoon.  This is a shocking, horrifying story.

JASON JONES: The cause?  No one can say for sure.  Possibly media violence.  Or dubstep.  Or gluten.  But definitely something that is not guns.

JESSICA WILLIAMS: Of course there is nothing we can do to stop this from happening.  Even though pretty much every other developed country has somehow stopped this from happening.

SAM BEE: And since we can't always stop this from happening, why ever try to stop it from happening?  So... we're good?  OK!  Let's get back to the news.

(Pharrell's "Happy" plays as they dance to news clips)

Isn't that easier?  Problem solved!  (massive audience cheering and applause)  We'll be right back.

Jon also led off with coverage of what's happening in Egypt.

Sam Bee then looked at the anti-vaxxer movement.

Meanwhile, Stephen covered the right-wing reaction to Bowe Bergdahl getting released in exchange for 5 al-Qaeda prisoners, before covering the story of the Florida man who is using his front yard as a shooting range, which has his neighbors scared shitless.


He then talked about how he grew a beard to debate his guest, Thomas Piketty.

Jon talked with Robert De Niro about his father.

Originally posted to Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group on Tue Jun 03, 2014 at 05:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Shut Down the NRA and Daily Kos.

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