Skip to main content

Last night, Jon Stewart looked at the quickly changing reaction to the news about getting POW Bowe Bergdahl back from the Taliban.

BRIAN KILMEADE (6/3/2014): He says he was growing his beard because his son was in captivity. Well, your son's out now. So if you really don't want to no longer look like a member of the Taliban, you don't have to look like a member of the Taliban. Are you out of razors?
(audience groans in disgust)

Well, that got ugly pretty fast! First of all, who the fuck are you to judge what a guy does if he thinks it might help him get his son back? And I don't want to complicate your hatred of facial hair there, friend, but my guess is if you gave Bob Bergdahl a bandana and a duck, you'd like him just fucking fine!

Video and full transcript below the fold.



Very big story broke concerning our now-teenaged war in Afghanistan.  And obviously, the teenage years are tough for everybody, especially wars.  Let's see what happened.
5/31/2014:

DANA BASH: Breaking news, a good news story, U.S. Army Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl, who has been in captivity in Afghanistan for about five years was released by the Taliban.

MAJ. GEN. JAMES "SPIDER" MARKS: Across the board, this is a magnificent, wonderful story.

Yes!!!  This sounds like the perfect time for our brand new segment, A Magnificent Wonderful Story!

(audience cheering and applause)

You know, it's so rare.  This is why this is so amazing.  It is so rare that America gets a story like this — magnificent and wonderful.  So if it's OK with everybody here, I think we should ride this patriot train to Fuck Yeah Junction.

JAKE TAPPER (5/31/2014): Everybody is rejoicing that he is safe, and that he will get to go back to his loving parents in Idaho.  But it is a complicated case.
Complicated?!  It's a magnificent and wonderful story!  What's complicated about "America rules!"?  We got our last POW back.  Did you not see the blue bird?  (bird chirps)  I got this, Phil.  Complicated how?
6/2/2014:

RICHARD ENGEL: The Obama administration is standing by its decision to release five senior Taliban members from Guantanamo Bay in a prisoner exchange for Bergdahl.

DICK CHENEY: They have in fact negotiated with terrorists, and I don't think they got a very good deal.

Wow, I don't know which of those pictures was scarier.  Wait, what are you talking about?!  We always negotiate with terrorists!  Saying, "we don't negotiate with terrorists" is our opening negotiation bid.  (audience laughter)

"We are not negotiating with you, terrorists.  And your response is....?"

That's pathetic.  The argument against this swap is a cliché.  You wouldn't catch the administration countering with a cliché.

JAY CARNEY (6/2/2014): The United States does not our men and women in uniform behind.
Touché, cliché.

All right, y'all want to have a cliché-off, let's do this, bro!

REP. JASON CHAFFETZ, R-UT (6/3/2014): We do not negotiate with terrorists.

REP. JOHN GARAMENDI, D-CA (6/2/2014): We leave no one behind.

MICHAEL STEELE (6/3/2014): You do not negotiate with terrorists.

GOLDIE TAYLOR (6/2/2014): We leave no one behind.

DEAN STOCKWELL: The United States does not negotiate with terrorists.

SOLDIER: You never leave a man behind!

LES GROSSMAN: We don't negotiate with terrorists.

TOY SOLDIER: A good soldier never leaves a man behind!

(audience laughter and applause)

The only way to really end a cliché-off, is to agree to disagree.

All right.  A magnificent, complicated wonderful story.

Happy?  Can we just get back to it and enjoy this shining moment for our nation?  Remember the joy, the celebration?

JIM MIKLASZEWSKI (6/2/2014): All the early joy and celebration over Bergdahl's release has indeed been clouded over several growing controversies.
Several?!  We negotiated with terrorists!  It's one controversy!
WOLF BLITZER (6/2/2014): Did the President break the law by engaging in this deal?

MEGYN KELLY (6/2/2014): Do you believe the President has endangered the country?

SANDRA SMITH (6/3/2014): Does this become an impeachable offense?

(audience groaning)

All right, fine!  Magnificent, complicated, clouded controversial story.

Fine!  But that's it!  It's only been like a day and a half!

Aren't we forgetting the real hero here?  The American hero who persevered for five years in a Taliban prison camp, or Talibamp — trademark Jon Stewart.

SEAN HANNITY (6/2/2014): It's the question many want the answer to.  Exactly who is Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl?
Oh, Bergdahl?  Is that how we're pronouncing it now?  I guess the purposeful mispronunciation of the soldier's last name to make it sound Arabic is not purposeful.  I mean, Sean Hannity's not an asshole, right?  (audience laughter)  Why would he do that?

Although maybe there is something about this person we don't know.

ELISABETH BUMILLER (6/3/2014): He wandered off the post on his own. ... He left a note behind saying he'd grown disillusioned with the war.

SEAN HANNITY (6/2/2014): Some are calling him a deserter.

CHARLIE ROSE (6/2/2014): Some of his former comrades in Afghanistan are calling him a coward, and even a traitor.

(bird falls dead, nervous audience laughter)

This was supposed to be our moment.  Turns out, our magnificent, wonderful story may be clouded, complicated, controversial, and possibly treasonous.  But we did it.  You know what?  Fine.  It's a difficult story, it's complex, we don't need to make a big deal out of this.  It's not like the administration's going to make a big Rose Garden announcement, bring out the guy's parents with one of them "I killed bin Laden again!" moments, I mean, you know, that's not gonna....  (listens to earpiece)  Really, they fucking did that?  OK.

BARACK OBAMA (5/31/2014): Bob, Jani.  Today, families across America share in the joy that I know you feel.
Oh shit.

I am not an expert on press conferences or American reactions to things, but my guess is that prisoner's dad will not go unremarked on.

BILL O'REILLY (6/2/2014): Robert Bergdahl, the father, he has learned to speak Pashto, the language of the Taliban, and looks like a Muslim.

BRIAN KILMEADE (6/3/2014): He says he was growing his beard because his son was in captivity.  Well, your son's out now.  So if you really don't want to no longer look like a member of the Taliban, you don't have to look like a member of the Taliban.  Are you out of razors?

(audience groans in disgust)

Well, that got ugly pretty fast!  First of all, who the fuck are you to judge what a guy does if he thinks it might help him get his son back?  And I don't want to complicate your hatred of facial hair there, friend, but my guess is if you gave Bob Bergdahl a bandana and a duck, you'd like him just fucking fine!

(audience cheering and applause)

So how did this happen?  How did a simple clear-cut story of American heroism in a war get complicated?  Oh right.  It's a war.  That's weird.  I mean, three days ago this was going to be a great fucking moment.  And now, I couldn't sell this thing to Lifetime with Alyssa Milano's dick!  (audience laughter)  It's been three days!  Remember??

DANA BASH: Breaking news, a good news story.

MAJ. GEN. JAMES "SPIDER" MARKS: This is a magnificent, wonderful story.

ANA NAVARRO: We negotiated with terrorists.

GERRI WILLIS: The Taliban Dream Team

RET. NAVY SEAL CMDR. DAN O'SHEA: Odds are, one or two out of these five are going to get back in the fight.

ANDERSON COOPER: Did President Obama break the law?

REP. BUCK McKEON, R-CA: Yes.

CBS THIS MORNING: Headlines like "Bowe Bergdahl Is Not a Hero".

RONAN FARROW: He said, "I am ashamed to even be American."

ANNA KOOIMAN: Brand new evidence that he might have been helping the enemy.

STEVE DOOCY: Ugh.

(shocked audience laughter)

We'll be right back.

Jon then noticed that Herman Cain hasn't made up his mind about whether he'd run for President again in 2016.

Meanwhile, Stephen looked at some the backlash Open Carry Texas has been getting.

He then talked about Obama's action on climate change with Yale professor Dan Esty.

Stephen then noted that sex-change surgery is now covered under Medicare.

Jon talked with comedian Ricky Gervais, and Stephen talked with actor Morgan Freeman.

Originally posted to BruinKid on Wed Jun 04, 2014 at 05:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group and Daily Kos.

EMAIL TO A FRIEND X
Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags

?

More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site