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I once ingested four grams of Mexican mushrooms and fought a coyote using a perfect rendition of the Gangnam Style dance as my sole weapon.

I once ingested PCP and fought a ghost with my elbows. I contemplated using my knees, but I had once promised my cat never to do so again.

I once smoked  marijuana laced with angel dust and met Mordecai, a racist squirrel who referred to Skunks as skiggers and trusted only doves.

I once poured two 5-hour Energy Drinks into my eyes and backflipped to the nearest park where I proceeded to verbally shame pigeons for existing.

I once injected heroin and fell into a deep sleep where I lived the entire life of a Chinese farmer with surprisingly attractive toes.

I once attempted to get high on life at the request of a close friend. We are no longer on speaking terms.

Tornadoes are such attention whores. We get it, you're tough. Get a fucking job.

When someone says lightning never strikes the same place twice, ask them if they learned about lightning rods in Weather Expert school.

Calm down volcanoes. We see you.

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Why are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef?

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