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I once ingested four grams of Mexican mushrooms and fought a coyote using a perfect rendition of the Gangnam Style dance as my sole weapon.

I once ingested PCP and fought a ghost with my elbows. I contemplated using my knees, but I had once promised my cat never to do so again.

I once smoked  marijuana laced with angel dust and met Mordecai, a racist squirrel who referred to Skunks as skiggers and trusted only doves.

I once poured two 5-hour Energy Drinks into my eyes and backflipped to the nearest park where I proceeded to verbally shame pigeons for existing.

I once injected heroin and fell into a deep sleep where I lived the entire life of a Chinese farmer with surprisingly attractive toes.

I once attempted to get high on life at the request of a close friend. We are no longer on speaking terms.

Tornadoes are such attention whores. We get it, you're tough. Get a fucking job.

When someone says lightning never strikes the same place twice, ask them if they learned about lightning rods in Weather Expert school.

Calm down volcanoes. We see you.



Why are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef?

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