In 2013, writer Andrew Solomon published a book entitled Far from the Tree. I have not read it. The book is an impressive tome, and if I had more free time, I would read it, particularly after having heard interviews with Solomon, and having seen his TED talk:
For those who don't have 20 minutes in which to watch the whole thing, there's a digest over the fleur-de-kos
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Far from the Tree is about parents and their children. Specifically, it's about parents of children who are significantly different from them is some way, and how these families adapt. Some children are identified as handicapped: disabled, deaf, schizophrenic, autistic, those with Down's syndrome, dwarves. Others were once diagnosed as having an illness (and in some places, we still are): LGBT. Solomon himself is gay, and he offers his own experience in this capacity. One of the points of the book is that, without connections to wider community, many of these families view their different children as victims of pathology. However, if these children make contact with others like themselves, outside their immediate families, they discover developed cultures which accommodate, exploit, and even celebrate their difference. That is, they find an identity in their difference. Certainly, the LGBT subculture is a prominent example, but deaf people, for example, also have their own less-visible culture. Within such cultures, these "different" children lose their feeling of being "less than," and gain the confidence to live independent lives. I've seen this phenomenon at work at the university where I teach, which is a magnet for handicapped students.
Solomon calls the elements of identity associated with family vertical identities, and the identities foreign to family horizontal identities, and with few exceptions, families seek to "cure" the horizontal identities. He provides examples of how these children with differences can transform their families, and vice versa, provided the parents are able to accept their children for who they are. When the different child accepts his or her difference as an identity, talk about a "cure" can be interpreted as a wish for the obliteration of the child. Demanding a cure says to them: "We don't want you. We want someone who looks like you, but without your problems." Parents who accept their children's differences as their identities, and embrace them for who they are, ultimately come to point where they simply can't imagine that their children could have been otherwise.
Solomon's TED talk begins and ends with accounts of his own experience as a gay man. He starts by quoting an essay published in Time magazine in 1966, entitled "The Homosexual in America."
Even in purely nonreligious terms, homosexuality represents a misuse of the sexual faculty. It is a pathetic little second-rate substitute for reality, a pitiable flight from life. As such, it deserves no compassion, it deserves no treatment as minority martyrdom, and it deserves not to be deemed as anything but a pernicious sickness.
To demonstrate the change in attitudes over the course of his life, he mentions that he is now married and the biological father of two children (one of which they are raising), while his husband is the biological father of two children also. He reflects how, as a young gay man, he was resentful when his mother would say how one does not really know love until one has children, since he was sure his life would take another direction. And now, of course, he knows what that love is in a very real sense.
Earlier this year, in the New Yorker Andrew Solomon published an interview with Peter Lanza, father of Adam Lanza, the shooter at Sandy Hook in Connecticut. Again, the theme was a parent trying to make sense of the life of a child of difference. One of the principal ruminations of Mr. Lanza revealed in the article was that perhaps his son's autism was masking other mental illness, such as schizophrenia. This is a question that will never have a definitive answer. Some children of difference never find a way to integrate their identities, and some just get lost, with tragic consequences.
In the TED talk, Solomon comes to the conclusion that every family is touched by having to deal with the horizontal identities of their children or other relatives, just as every parent has looked at one of their children and said to himself or herself "Where the heck did you come from?" However, difference and disability are not uncommon, and every family has to come to terms with these issues sooner or later. These accounts of how families have dealt with such differences in constructive and transformative ways I find to be inspiring.
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June 11, 2014
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From Puddytat:
In response to a comment on how marriage equality is being recognized by very red Counties in Wisconsin, Mike Kahlow notes that he has to return to the state very carefully. Swallow anything in your mouth before reading.
From Puddytat's post Walker Admin. Refusing to Register Same Sex Marriages in Wisconsin.
From JBL55:
From psnyder, the best comment of the day about Cantor's loss AFAIC. Did I mention this had to do with Cantor's loss? Yep, Cantor lost. :-) Never gets old, does it?
From JCWilmore's recommended post Behind the scenes video from Eric Cantor's "Victory" Party.
From Onomastic:
It is not often that I have the pleasure of reading a comment that is both succinct and powerful in its description of a topic. angry marmot did just that in a perfect reply to LaFeminista's must-read diary on her discovery of a species of religious fundamentalist libertarians. Eric Cantor's opponent and winner of the Republican Primary, David Brat, is one of them.
From sacrelicious:
A comment by citizenx distills the devolution of the right-wing's presumed dedication to veterans. From kos' front page post From one vet to another, preach it brother!
From Pam from Calif:
I'm thrilled to see a snarky comment from nonnie9999. She has been missed.
From Jed Lewison's front page post The newest GOP star beat Eric Cantor ... but can't organize a press conference.
From your humble diarist:
PattyM tells a chilling story about evil rearing its ugly head in an unexpected place, and compares it to the hatred fomenting among Evangelicals in the US today.
From Jen Hayden's recommended post Oklahoma candidate thinks stoning homosexuals to death is A-OK.
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June 10, 2014
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