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Cantor: Gah! You got me in the heart, Black Brat! What the… Seriously, dude, what the…

Brat: Well, it's a duel, Clopalong Cantor! What did you expect?

Cantor: But I'm one of the most powerful men in the country! You're just a…a snooty p'tootey professor! This can't be possible! Where's mah Young Guns saddlemates?

McCarthy: We're here for ya, buddy. You're gonna live through this. Well, I mean, not really, but…you know what I mean.

Old west town, empty
Cantor: Guys…I'm fading fast. Please…grant me one last request.

Ryan: Anything. Just name it while I crack a few walnuts with my biceps.

Cantor: I got a few thousand bucks left in my campaign coffers. Take me to the…steakhouse…for one more…ribeye.

Ryan: You got it, buddy! Us Young Guns stick together through thick and thin, don’t we guys?

Young Guns: "Darn tootin'!" "Pinky swear!" "'Til the end, pardner!"

Ryan: Oh, wait…sorry, no can do. We kinda got a thing…

McCarthy: Yeah, it's like a big thing we already committed to, and it wouldn't be neighborly to back out on such short notice. But definitely next week. Have your people call our people.

Cantor: Sheriff Boehner! You'll stay with me, won't ya….in my final moments?

Boehner: Well, uh, you know I'd like to, Clopalong. But, uh, the American people have, uh, made it clear that we should look to the future and not dwell on the past. There's too much at stake as we battle this president's socialist job-killing agenda. But you can have one of my Camel Ultra Lights and a dollop of my bronzer…

Cantor: Well, then, hold me in your arms as I pass. I don't want alone.

Boehner: Actually, that's forbidden, according to our party platform because men holding men interferes with procreation among married heterosexual couples. It's right there in section three, paragraph five, lines eight through twelve.

Cantor: Damn you…damn you all…….argle...bargle...GACK!"

Ryan: Wow. He's gone. A real shame. Hey, we're not gonna be late for our tee time are we?

McCarthy: Not if we leave now. Black Brat, you wanna tag along and show us what you can do with a mashie niblick?

Brat: Golly gee, that'd be swell!

Ryan: Young Guns, saddle up! We ride! Heeeyah!

[Young Guns roll away in gas-powered Hummer golf carts]

[Roll credits]

Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, June 12, 2014

Note: No congresscritters were harmed during the staging of this morning's C&J introduction. Well...maybe a few fee-fees.

Larchmere Porchfest logo Cleveland Ohio,
9 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the summer solstice: 9 (6:51am ET)
Days 'til Larchmere Porchfest in Cleveland, Ohio: 9
Number of school shootings in the U.S. since Sandy Hook in December 2012: 74
Number of law firm members in the "Am Law 200" (largest firms according to revenue) who have joined in the defense of marriage equality bans in any state: 0
(Source: Reuters)
Weight added to the average vehicle over the last 12 years: 800 lbs.
Estimated value of the fuel that would be saved if vehicle weight was reduced by 110 pounds: $40 billion
(Source: Morgan Stanley/Associated Press)
Years since analog TV signals went extinct as of today: 5

NBA Finals:
San Antonio Spurs lead the Miami Heat 2 games to 1

Stanley Cup Finals:
Los Angeles Kings lead the New York Rangers 3 games to 1


Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

Molly ivins publicity photo  --- small
Don't Democrats have scandals, too? Yes, Rep. William Jefferson of Louisiana is in deep doo-doo. Among other things, the Fibbies found $90,000 in cash in his freezer. So the Democratic caucus kicked him off his important seat on the Ways and Means Committee. Republicans just keep on trucking.
---June, 2006

Puppy Pic of the Day: Fresh wiener dog


CHEERS to #41.  Not many presidents reach their 90th birthday.  Off the top of my head (read: according to my Wikipedia search), that milestone was reached by John Adams, Herbert Hoover, Ronald Reagan and Gerald Ford.  Jimmy Carter will join them in October, but today it's George H.W. Bush (aka the semi-competent President Bush) who becomes a member of the 90+ Club.  Of course, the press will never admit that he was the originator of the "terror fist jab," but here'sd the SHOCKING PROOF:

George H.W. Bush fist bump
I think Bush will go down in history as the last of the congenial "country club Republicans."  He was no saint (pardoning the Iran-Contra misfits was unforgivable, and thanks, ya bastard, for Clarence "What's This Pubic Hair Doing on My Coke Can?" Thomas), but he had the sense to bring our troops home from Kuwait swiftly, he served us well during World War II, he's got a place just down the road in Kennebunkport, and can you imagine a Republican today who would support the icky socialist Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA)?  So happy birthday, Poppy.  I hope you enjoy the truckload of broccoli sitting in your driveway.

JEERS to prognostication whiplash.  If you're looking for agreement among the economic "experts" this week, you apparently will have trouble finding it.  On the one hand:

Down Arrow
Stock prices slipped early Wednesday after the World Bank cut its global economic forecast, including reduced estimates for the United States and China. … The U.S. is expected to expand at a tepid rate of 2.1%, down from the previous estimate of 2.8%.
And on the other hand:
Up Arrow
U.S. economic growth should accelerate in the second quarter and remain healthy for the rest of this year, according to a forecast by a group of U.S. business economists. … economists are optimistic about growth for the rest of this year: They expect it will jump to 3.5 percent in the second quarter and remain above 3 percent for the rest of the year.
As always, C&J's advice is pretty simple when dealing with financial matters: get really stoned and then listen to your piggy bank. It'll give you an uninterrupted earful for a good ninety minutes.

With a reflection of the U.S. Capitol dome serving as a backdrop, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) reacts to a question about negative perceptions of Tea Party Republicans during the Reuters Washington Summit in Washington, October 24, 2013.  REUTERS/Jim Bour
America, he's all yours now, eh.
JEERS to turning your back on---[switches on giant echo machine]---THE LAND OF YOUR BIRTH!  Ted Cruz finally did the deed yesterday.  After pouring a ceremonial Molson into the toilet and vowing to never let the sound "eh" come from his mouth again (which actually changes nothing, since he talks out of his butt), the Harvard-educated elitist who plays the role of a country bumpkin in the U.S. Senate finally announced that he renounced his Canadian citizenship 29 days ago.  And in other news, Canada just announced that May 14 will henceforth become a national holiday known as Don't Let The Door Hit Ya Day.

CHEERS to a Loving legacy.  When civil rights pioneer Mildred Loving died six years ago at 68, she left behind a milestone that reached its dramatic height 47 years ago.  On June 12, 1967, the Supreme Court ruled on a case called Loving v. Virginia, striking down state miscegenation laws (Virginia's had been on the parchment since the mid-1600s).  With gay marriage steamrolling across the country in the wake of the Court's 2013 DOMA ruling, it's worth revisiting the statement Loving issued on the 40th anniversary of the announcement of its ruling in her case:

Mildred Loving with a photo of herself and her husband circa 1967
I [Heart] Mildred
The older generation’s fears and prejudices have given way, and today’s young people realize that if someone loves someone they have a right to marry.

Surrounded as I am now by wonderful children and grandchildren, not a day goes by that I don’t think of Richard and our love, our right to marry, and how much it meant to me to have that freedom to marry the person precious to me, even if others thought he was the "wrong kind of person" for me to marry. I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry. Government has no business imposing some people’s religious beliefs over others. Especially if it denies people’s civil rights.

I am still not a political person, but I am proud that Richard’s and my name is on a court case that can help reinforce the love, the commitment, the fairness, and the family that so many people, black or white, young or old, gay or straight seek in life. I support the freedom to marry for all. That’s what Loving, and loving, are all about.

Love it.

CHEERS to puttering around with the spoon and the flat stick.  The first round of the U.S. Open golf championship starts today at Pinehurst No. 2 in North Carolina:

The Three Stooges with golf clubs
Legends of the sport.
Donald Ross completed Pinehurst No. 2 in 1907, but he continued to refine the course that is widely considered his masterpiece until his death in 1948. A 2011 renovation by Bill Coore and Ben Crenshaw restored the native sandy areas prevalent during the 1930s and 1940s. Pinehurst No. 2 has hosted two previous U.S. Opens, in 1999 (won by Payne Stewart with a dramatic par-saving putt on the 72nd hole) and in 2005 (won by Michael Campbell).
The pros---sans Tiger Woods this year, not that I care I just like using the word sans so I can justify walking around with my college graduation tassle staple-gunned to the side of my head---will use their superior course-management skills to knock in shots 'til they end up at the 18th hole.  Meanwhile, I'll be using my inferior liver-management skills to knock back shots 'til I end up on the floor at the 19th hole.

P.S. Also starting today: the World Cup Soccer tournament in Brazil, run by the evil star chamber known as FIFA.  The players are hot so of course I'll spend some time doing some shameless ogling.  Plus it gives me a chance to pull out the old vuvuzela to play my favorite song.  I believe the full title is Snrrrrrrrrrrrrrk!!!


Five years ago in C&J: June 12, 2009

CHEERS to a handful of Islamic M&Ms.  In this corner: Holocaust denier, caricature of a wily-but-clinically-insane James Bond villain, and enemy of computer spellcheckers around the globe---Mahmud Ahmadinejahd!  In the other corner---architect, painter, reformist, and former prime minister---Mir-Hossein Mousavi!  At stake: nothing less than the coveted presidency of Iran.  A make or break moment for the country as it determines the victor in a struggle between radicals and moderates.  The votes have been counted (well, okay, "counted") following a record turnout.  And the winner Buchanan???!!!  Idiots---I begged them not to use butterfly ballots.


And just one more…

CHEERS to gun-nut control.  Abbreviated Pundit Roundup god Greg Dworkin (aka DemFromCT) alerted me to the tweets of Rob Whisman, a proud lefty troll who drives the social-media site's Second Amendment worshippers/distorters crazy crazier with lines like this:

He's funny, crude and, best of all, he taps directly into the paranoid delusion that the black helicopters under chopper commander Obama are comin' for their grrrrrns.  As I always say, if you can't reason with 'em, poke 'em with a stick.

Have a nice Thursday.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

"In Your Face": Ingraham Revels In "The Power Of Bill in Portland Maine" In Defeat Of Eric Cantor
---Media Matters


By a show of hand, do you agree with columnist and male-privilege expert George Will that efforts to address sexual assault on college campuses "make victimhood a coveted status that confers privileges"?

1%62 votes
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96%3119 votes
0%24 votes
0%11 votes

| 3235 votes | Vote | Results

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