From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Cantor: Gah! You got me in the heart, Black Brat! What the… Seriously, dude, what the…Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Brat: Well, it's a duel, Clopalong Cantor! What did you expect?
Cantor: But I'm one of the most powerful men in the country! You're just a…a snooty p'tootey professor! This can't be possible! Where's mah Young Guns saddlemates?
McCarthy: We're here for ya, buddy. You're gonna live through this. Well, I mean, not really, but…you know what I mean.Cantor: Guys…I'm fading fast. Please…grant me one last request.-
Ryan: Anything. Just name it while I crack a few walnuts with my biceps.
Cantor: I got a few thousand bucks left in my campaign coffers. Take me to the…steakhouse…for one more…ribeye.
Ryan: You got it, buddy! Us Young Guns stick together through thick and thin, don’t we guys?
Young Guns: "Darn tootin'!" "Pinky swear!" "'Til the end, pardner!"
Ryan: Oh, wait…sorry, no can do. We kinda got a thing…
McCarthy: Yeah, it's like a big thing we already committed to, and it wouldn't be neighborly to back out on such short notice. But definitely next week. Have your people call our people.
Cantor: Sheriff Boehner! You'll stay with me, won't ya….in my final moments?
Boehner: Well, uh, you know I'd like to, Clopalong. But, uh, the American people have, uh, made it clear that we should look to the future and not dwell on the past. There's too much at stake as we battle this president's socialist job-killing agenda. But you can have one of my Camel Ultra Lights and a dollop of my bronzer…
Cantor: Well, then, hold me in your arms as I pass. I don't want to...to...go alone.
Boehner: Actually, that's forbidden, according to our party platform because men holding men interferes with procreation among married heterosexual couples. It's right there in section three, paragraph five, lines eight through twelve.
Cantor: Damn you…damn you all…….argle...bargle...GACK!"
Ryan: Wow. He's gone. A real shame. Hey, we're not gonna be late for our tee time are we?
McCarthy: Not if we leave now. Black Brat, you wanna tag along and show us what you can do with a mashie niblick?
Brat: Golly gee, that'd be swell!
Ryan: Young Guns, saddle up! We ride! Heeeyah!
[Young Guns roll away in gas-powered Hummer golf carts]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, June 12, 2014
Note: No congresscritters were harmed during the staging of this morning's C&J introduction. Well...maybe a few fee-fees.-
Days 'til the summer solstice: 9 (6:51am ET)
Days 'til Larchmere Porchfest in Cleveland, Ohio: 9
Number of school shootings in the U.S. since Sandy Hook in December 2012: 74
Number of law firm members in the "Am Law 200" (largest firms according to revenue) who have joined in the defense of marriage equality bans in any state: 0
Weight added to the average vehicle over the last 12 years: 800 lbs.
Estimated value of the fuel that would be saved if vehicle weight was reduced by 110 pounds: $40 billion
(Source: Morgan Stanley/Associated Press)
Years since analog TV signals went extinct as of today: 5
San Antonio Spurs lead the Miami Heat 2 games to 1
Stanley Cup Finals:
Los Angeles Kings lead the New York Rangers 3 games to 1
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
-Don't Democrats have scandals, too? Yes, Rep. William Jefferson of Louisiana is in deep doo-doo. Among other things, the Fibbies found $90,000 in cash in his freezer. So the Democratic caucus kicked him off his important seat on the Ways and Means Committee. Republicans just keep on trucking.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Fresh wiener dog
CHEERS to #41. Not many presidents reach their 90th birthday. Off the top of my head (read: according to my Wikipedia search), that milestone was reached by John Adams, Herbert Hoover, Ronald Reagan and Gerald Ford. Jimmy Carter will join them in October, but today it's George H.W. Bush (aka the semi-competent President Bush) who becomes a member of the 90+ Club. Of course, the press will never admit that he was the originator of the "terror fist jab," but here'sd the SHOCKING PROOF:
JEERS to prognostication whiplash. If you're looking for agreement among the economic "experts" this week, you apparently will have trouble finding it. On the one hand:
Stock prices slipped early Wednesday after the World Bank cut its global economic forecast, including reduced estimates for the United States and China. … The U.S. is expected to expand at a tepid rate of 2.1%, down from the previous estimate of 2.8%.And on the other hand:
As always, C&J's advice is pretty simple when dealing with financial matters: get really stoned and then listen to your piggy bank. It'll give you an uninterrupted earful for a good ninety minutes.U.S. economic growth should accelerate in the second quarter and remain healthy for the rest of this year, according to a forecast by a group of U.S. business economists. … economists are optimistic about growth for the rest of this year: They expect it will jump to 3.5 percent in the second quarter and remain above 3 percent for the rest of the year.
CHEERS to a Loving legacy. When civil rights pioneer Mildred Loving died six years ago at 68, she left behind a milestone that reached its dramatic height 47 years ago. On June 12, 1967, the Supreme Court ruled on a case called Loving v. Virginia, striking down state miscegenation laws (Virginia's had been on the parchment since the mid-1600s). With gay marriage steamrolling across the country in the wake of the Court's 2013 DOMA ruling, it's worth revisiting the statement Loving issued on the 40th anniversary of the announcement of its ruling in her case:
The older generation’s fears and prejudices have given way, and today’s young people realize that if someone loves someone they have a right to marry.Love it.
Surrounded as I am now by wonderful children and grandchildren, not a day goes by that I don’t think of Richard and our love, our right to marry, and how much it meant to me to have that freedom to marry the person precious to me, even if others thought he was the "wrong kind of person" for me to marry. I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry. Government has no business imposing some people’s religious beliefs over others. Especially if it denies people’s civil rights.
I am still not a political person, but I am proud that Richard’s and my name is on a court case that can help reinforce the love, the commitment, the fairness, and the family that so many people, black or white, young or old, gay or straight seek in life. I support the freedom to marry for all. That’s what Loving, and loving, are all about.
CHEERS to puttering around with the spoon and the flat stick. The first round of the U.S. Open golf championship starts today at Pinehurst No. 2 in North Carolina:
Donald Ross completed Pinehurst No. 2 in 1907, but he continued to refine the course that is widely considered his masterpiece until his death in 1948. A 2011 renovation by Bill Coore and Ben Crenshaw restored the native sandy areas prevalent during the 1930s and 1940s. Pinehurst No. 2 has hosted two previous U.S. Opens, in 1999 (won by Payne Stewart with a dramatic par-saving putt on the 72nd hole) and in 2005 (won by Michael Campbell).The pros---sans Tiger Woods this year, not that I care I just like using the word sans so I can justify walking around with my college graduation tassle staple-gunned to the side of my head---will use their superior course-management skills to knock in shots 'til they end up at the 18th hole. Meanwhile, I'll be using my inferior liver-management skills to knock back shots 'til I end up on the floor at the 19th hole.
P.S. Also starting today: the World Cup Soccer tournament in Brazil, run by the evil star chamber known as FIFA. The players are hot so of course I'll spend some time doing some shameless ogling. Plus it gives me a chance to pull out the old vuvuzela to play my favorite song. I believe the full title is Snrrrrrrrrrrrrrk!!!
Five years ago in C&J: June 12, 2009
CHEERS to a handful of Islamic M&Ms. In this corner: Holocaust denier, caricature of a wily-but-clinically-insane James Bond villain, and enemy of computer spellcheckers around the globe---Mahmud Ahmadinejahd! In the other corner---architect, painter, reformist, and former prime minister---Mir-Hossein Mousavi! At stake: nothing less than the coveted presidency of Iran. A make or break moment for the country as it determines the victor in a struggle between radicals and moderates. The votes have been counted (well, okay, "counted") following a record turnout. And the winner is...is...Pat Buchanan???!!! Idiots---I begged them not to use butterfly ballots.
And just one more…
CHEERS to gun-nut control. Abbreviated Pundit Roundup god Greg Dworkin (aka DemFromCT) alerted me to the tweets of Rob Whisman, a proud lefty troll who drives the social-media site's Second Amendment worshippers/distorters
crazy crazier with lines like this:
@wes_bear i took your guns while your were at work today. you're down to zero guns— rob whisman (@robwhisman) June 10, 2014
@Brandon_629 i'm going to dangle your gun over your head just out of your reach— rob whisman (@robwhisman) June 10, 2014
He's funny, crude and, best of all, he taps directly into the paranoid delusion that the black helicopters under chopper commander Obama are comin' for their grrrrrns. As I always say, if you can't reason with 'em, poke 'em with a stick.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:-
"In Your Face": Ingraham Revels In "The Power Of Bill in Portland Maine" In Defeat Of Eric Cantor