I am very sorry for such a horrendous diary title on such a special day tomorrow June 15, 2014 -- Father`s Day.
But that`s the way it is.
I got this horrific news yesterday Friday while undergoing a follow-up eye examination after I went through eye cataract surgery a couple of years ago. You may recall that I wrote on some occasions about that medical procedure.
Once again, a year later on June-to-the-day after my heart attack I am fearing for my life.
I have kept this bad news to myself here at home. I came home from the doctor`s visit at around 4 p.m. and my son had already passed by and I did not get to see him yesterday Friday. Today Saturday he does not work so I will not see him soon, I guess.
And my daughter and grand kids, they seldom come over so telling them over the phone is out of the question. I cannot find the right words to even imagine breaking the bad news to my family. What I found this morning about ocular cancer is hair raising ass-fear.
My one greatest fear of this threat to my life and dying is telling my wife. I know, I know I am not going to die today, or tomorrow. But the mark is now within me. She is here at home with me this week end. I have not told her. I cannot even look into her eyes with this lie I am carrying this morning. I say lie because that is how I see it, I try to act calm around her.
For her to spend tomorrow`s father days with this news is not going to happen.
Experts, or those with expertise I don`t have, You are Wanted, Alive!!!
This morning I come knocking on your door (once again) asking for guidance and advise.
I know that here at Daily Kos we have Kossacks going through their own cancer stages who know what the word fear I mention means. I have met some and one in particular that I have always felt close to, so I feel that I am in the right place.
I may indeed be over-reacting to what my doctor told me yesterday, which really was not much. This morning I checked online based on what I was told and again I am in the same frame of mind as I was a year ago after I suffered a heart attack. I am writing this diary purely out of confusion. I know that here I will get some of the best advise other than what my doctor told me -- and again, which wasn`t much.
And that was my fault. I did not ask questions as I was dumb struck and mute-strucked as well by the horror that swept through me. I am now scheduled to see a eye-cancer specialist next Thursday. In the meantime, I need to let this out of my system. I bring my problem to you once again to tell you how it is:
I am looking at the yellow card that has been laying on my desk post-marked by the office of the Eye Care Specialist June 18, 2013. Originally it was for setting an appointment for the following month on Friday 13 to do a follow-up examination of my eyes. So that would`ve been in July 2013. A freaking year ago!
During the waiting period for my appointment date, as I already wrote, I had that mishap and unlucky life break and suffered the heart attack in June 2013. That incident set my whole set of life`s programs in shambles and in disorganized mode. In between came the harsh bad-ass unforgiving cold winter so I settled in and left that eye care appointment for later. Knowing that I could always re-schedule an appointment, I put this one on hold. I thought that was a good idea.
But it wasn`t. Now I am kicking myself for neglecting the appointment until yesterday.
I have come to feel quite comfortable visiting my eye-care specialist when given the opportunity, which have been several since eye-surgery. My doctor has always been straight up with me. He explains the conditions he finds following his staff`s taking the necessary pictures of my eyes, inside and around the back and whatnot.
Yesterday I let it be known that recently I had felt discomfort in my right eye. By this I do not mean pain. Rather I had been feeling like something was obstructing the freedom of my right eye to see clearly, like it somehow became teary and itchy at times. I had to rub my hand against the edge of my eye to gain control of the smudge the tears generated making it uncomfortable to read and watch TV without having to wipe the eye.
In a nut shell. In came the doctor to explain what his nursing staff had on paper noted down following routine eye-dialating drops poured into my eyes, pictures taken of both eyes as explained above. Covering my left eye first and then the right I also went through the drill of reading the letter chart on the wall in the dark. My right eye, it was noted, was a bit weak and a bit blurry. Oh well, I thought.
As my age, what else could I expect. My life`s span as I understand it has certainly exceeded its welcome mat I too understand, but the shock I got yesterday I do not understand. I don`t damit!!
The doctor told me everything in the back of my eyes was good. I took that to mean that nothing wrong was in the back of the eye-balls. So that was good I thought, then he went through a process where he used this shinny light on my right eye using a small (what looked to me like some kind of micro-scope) to shine the light around and the sides of my right eye.
You have developed a small "growth" that "I think is cancer"!!!
I could not think straight to ask anything. Well almost nothing, except, "what is that?" "what does that mean?"....
Many times, like many men and folks in particular have brashly uttered at least once in their life times:
"I am not afraid to die!..If I had to die, I wish it would be fast, or whatever. I know many of you have had this thought, and even blurted it out once of twice in your lifetime. I know I have and have done it many times in my life. But that was a lie.
I knew knuckled-bare fear a year ago when I thought I was going to die following that stupid heart attack. After I survived, I laughed just as many here at Daily Kos told me I would after that scare.
I must tell you though, that I am scared silly once again. I even use the excuse that I fear dying because of my family. That too is a lie.
Checking online on what I may have in my right eye what I found has put put the fear of (you can fill in the blank here) on me.
My doctor scheduled an appointment for me to see a eye-cancer specialist for next week. I feel a bit comfortable thinking of what he went on to tell me of what he found in his examination. He said it was a small growth. Good I thought.
The cancer specialist could remove that growth after looking into the size of the growth as I understood it. A small growth my doctor said. So I guess the advise I seek here with anyone with this type of eye-cancer information is, well, information.
I found that even this supposedly small growth removal requires some sort of surgery. Can you imagine, knowing that my eye will be cut open to remove this shit??? I read this information this morning prior to sitting down to write.
I have not been around lately, if you happen to check. That was never like me. If I enjoyed anything in this life, it is writing. I only write here at Daily Kos. But lately, it seems, fate had this for me I guess. I shut down my whole thinking process to set me up for this..
And it sucks.
I get a bit nausuated thinking about what I found online on eye cancer. It would be a real mistake trying to explain why I fear this new monster that now attacks me. So if you are interested read one of several articles that deal with my situation, perhaps you know someone or you yourself may one day fall in this square during your life span and be in jeopardy of contacting this monster.
This is real fear.
I apologize to all cancer victims here on Daily Kos and everywhere if I sound alarming to the extent of being obnoxious. At this end, I just wanted to tell you how it is.
Happy Father`s Day.