From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The Week Ahead
Monday Both the House and Senate are in session. Please…don't everybody applaud at once.And off we go. Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Vice President Joe Biden straps on Jetpack Two and blasts off for South America, where he watches the World Cup match between the United States and Ghana. Team USA wins because, duh, America is an exceptional nation. The final score is 500-3.Tuesday In Iraq, a unified coalition of Sunni, Shia and Kurds emerges and drives the ISIS terrorists to extinction. And that's the moment when my alarm clock goes off.Thursday in D.C.---sponsored by NOM.
Gonna be huge. Dozens may show up.
Eric Cantor shows up for work in nothing but sweatpants with a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels because, "Wharrr they gonna do, shenshure me? Oooooooh!!!"
Wednesday The Federal Reserve's grand poobahs meet to set interest rates using finely-calibrated financial instruments and a secretly-guarded set of calculations refined and perfected for over one hundred years. But only because Bernanke made off with the Fed's dartboard.
Thursday Republicans in the House elect their new majority leader. The leading contender is a far-right conservative with radical views. He'll face stiff competition from a far-right conservative with radical views, a far-right conservative with radical views, and a far-right conservative with radical views.
The Supreme Court issues a ruling that causes the left to praise the majority's wisdom and the right to scream "Activist judges!" Moments later, the Supreme Court issues a ruling that causes the right to praise the majority's wisdom and the left to scream "Activist judges!"
Friday Today is Take Your Dog to Work Day. Or as bloggers call it, "Invite Your Dog Up On the Couch to Eat the Crumbs Between the Cushions Day."
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, June 16, 2014
Note: The most condescending phrase in the English language is, of course, "of course."
Days 'til primary day in CO, MD, UT, NY, OK, and runoffs in SC and MS: 8
Days 'til Windjammer Days in Boothbay Harbor, Maine: 6
Estimated number of years it'll take before women make up half the seats in Congress: 107
(Source: Women's Policy Research analysis)
Percent chance that if enough women find out about that 107-year estimate, it will take far less time before half Congress is made up of women: 99.9%
Estimated number of birds killed by cars and trucks on U.S. roads annually: 340 million
Estimated number killed by wind turbines: 250k-500k
(Source: Journal of Wildlife Management)
Percent of men who credit their dads for their do-it-yourself know-how: 62%
(Source: Men's Health)
San Antonio Spurs win it all 4 games to 1
Stanley Cup Finals:
Los Angeles Kings win the Cup 4 games to 1
NEW! Your Monday Michigan Moment
(aka "pahp") is sold in Michigan.
In Michigan we drink pop (pronounced pahp), not soda.And don’t forget the proper way to pronounce Michigan Governor Rick Snyder's name: "ASS-hole"
Fudgies: This is what Michiganders call tourists visiting the Northern parts of Michigan.
Yuh guys: In Michigan, we say yuh guys and this even includes women. Since many Michiganders won't say y'all, "yuh guys" is what we're left with.
Yoopers: This is what people from the upper peninsula are called.
Trolls: This is what Yoopers call those who live in the lower peninsula. This is because they live "under" the bridge.
Ja-eat? Means "Did you eat?"
FIPs = "Fucking Illinois People"
Puppy Pic of the Day: Shelter dogs get a haircut
CHEERS to the, um, Anteater-in-Chief? President Obama gave the commencement address at UC-Irvine Saturday, and as you can see he stubbornly clings to his image as a distant and aloof president by reciting the words, "Zot, Zot, Zot! Beware of the Anteater"….
JEERS to Senator Smelling Salts. "Eligible bachelor" Lindsay Graham done got a case of the vapors, and it sounds chronic:
be out-RAGEOUSLY high, suh!"
Last week: "I have never been more worried about another 9/11 than I am right now."
November 2013: "I've never been more worried about the -- the Obama administration's approach to the Mideast than I am now."
May, 2013: "I've never been more worried about our national security than I am right now."
March 2013: "I've never been more worried about weapons of mass destruction falling into terrorists'
hands than I am right now."
Fortunately, I have never been less worried that anyone's taking Senator Debutante seriously anymore.
CHEERS to providing aid and comfort to the Democrat. Eric Cantor says that he'll vote for Dave Brat---aka the crazier-than-Cantor Republican who kicked his butt last week---on November 4th. Said Cantor: "We're not so different, he and I." Said Brat: "Not helpful."
JEERS to four more years of...him. On June 16, 1932, President Herbert Hoover was nominated for a second term at the Republican National Convention in Chicago. It was a lackluster affair, as evidenced by the convention's official slogan: "We're Screwed." (But it looked swell on a bumper sticker.)
CHEERS to tummy ticklers. The world's first roller coaster debuted at Coney Island 130 years ago. Today we'll commemorate the anniversary in the usual way by throwing up on our neighbors.
Five years ago in C&J: June 16, 2009
CHEERS to going green. I can't keep track of every moment-by-moment development related to the elections in Iran because it seems like everything changes every five minutes. My Cliffs Notes version that's semi-reliable:
idiot's finally gone.
A sea of protestors...pissed-off but peaceful...many beaten, one killed by thugs in Darth Vader helmets and militia motorcycle gangs...Obama says we're stayin' out of it, but "Go, protestors!!!"...Mullahs vow to look into the matter for at least five seconds before afternoon tea and nappytime...the vote tallies look batshit crazy...Diebold issues statement: Don’t look at us, man, we had nothin' to do with it...Mousavi appears and urges protestors to continue their demonstrations while he fights to have results overturned...Thomas Jefferson magically appears to reiterate: "Every generation needs a revolution"...Ahmadinejad acts defiant on the outside but on the inside he's thinking to himself, "Oh, shit!"...he leaves the country to soak in the healing waters of Russia...This is not your father's Iran...Hoo-whee, Iranians are sexy when they're angry.What to watch for today: if the intensity of the demonstrations remains high; if the Grand Ayatollah budges; if communications are cut even further (like that's doing the government any good); if police/militia violence escalates; if protestors adjust their tactics to stymie crackdown attempts; if the media gains or loses interest. So much for a nice quiet June knitting booties at the beach.
And just one more…
CHEERS to the right words for the right occasion. As a former Poet Laureate for the Library of Congress, Donald Hall knows his way around a line of verse. And last week he put quill to parchment and scratched out a fine letter to the editor of New Hampshire's Concord Monitor:
Get out of town,I hope he writes another one soon. I'd love to see what he comes up with to rhyme with bqhatevwr.
You featherheaded carpetbagging Wall St. clown,
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:-
Obama on Cheers and Jeers: Being Bill in Portland Maine Takes Courage