A couple of weeks ago, commonmass did a diary about coming out and told his personal coming out story. He also invited others to tell their stories, and many did. I’d strongly encourage you to read his diary if you have not. It's a wonderful diary and a number of great stories are in the comments as well. Anyway, I was otherwise occupied at the time and did not get to mine. So, follow me below the fold for my coming out story.
By the way, there is still time to tell your coming out story if you'd like to. You can tell it in the comments here, or write your own diary.
To really get to my coming out story, I really needed to accept myself as a gay man first. I was not one of those fortunate persons of which that came easily. And, much of my problem had to do with my Southern Baptist background. I felt being gay was a sin (at the time), and I wondered if the Creator could truly love me if I was gay. I was a young Christian, and extremely concerned about this issue.
The period of time I was going through this deeply personal and painful issue was right before I was to enter college (it was the late 1970's). I had been accepted to the University of Florida in Gainesville. So, I figured that was the perfect place to figure the whole thing out. So, I first went to see the pastor at First Baptist Church in Gainesville. To say that he was not very helpful is an understatement, and he even admitted that he couldn’t help me. Next, I decided to go and see a psychologist on campus. Surely he would know how to change me from gay to straight (that sounds very odd to me now, but that is truly how I felt at the time). Well, he told me that it was probably possible if I REALLY wanted to change, but he wanted me to try and accept myself as I was (gay) first. I wondered what he had in mind, so I went along with it thinking that I would still have him do what he could to change my sexual orientation. He introduced me to some other gay people on campus. And, he also sent me to the library to check out a book. The name of the book was “The Lord is My Shepard And He Knows I’m Gay” by the Rev. Troy Perry. The book was convincing and compelling, and the gay friends I met were also impressive. They were intelligent, personable, and even gifted. And, long story short, it worked and I learned to accept myself as a gay man and that G-d loved me just as I was (and am).
So, I went home on break after this intense session at college, and decided I had to tell my mother at the very least. But, I decided to tell an aunt of mine (Aunt Wanda) first. I figured she would understand because she had been married to a gay man in Pennsylvania for a while. They divorced but were still good friends. She was helpful and understanding and said that my mother would understand as well. So, one evening I decided it was time. I had put it off long enough. My mother was getting dressed to go out with a friend of hers to some event. I told her I had to talk to her before she left. And, I told her. I was quite nervous and frightened about how she would react. Would she still love me? Would she kick me out? Would she hate me? Would she feel as if she had failed? Well, as it turns out, she probably already knew, because her reaction was sort of like “so what else is new”. Those were not her exact words, but it was along those lines. And, then she kept getting dressed for this event (I think she was putting on makeup). Anyway, she looked at me for a second and noticed how upset and anxious I was. She came over to me, hugged me, and told me that she loved me and simply wanted for me to be happy. She said she would always love me no matter what. It was like an enormous weight had been lifted off me.
This song somewhat expresses what I went through and how I felt during that time period. It is called “My Saving Grace” by Mariah Carey.
I’ve still got a lot to learn.
But, I know where I can turn
When I’m in my time of need
All things are a possibility
I’ve loved a lot.
Hurt a lot
Been burned a lot
In my life and times
Spent precious years
Wrapped up in tears
With no end in sight
Until my saving grace shined on me
Until my saving grace set me free
Giving me strength
Giving me hope
Giving me peace
When I almost lost in all
Catching my every fall
I still exist because
You kept me safe
I found my saving grace
Lord, in You.