Dear John, We need to talk. - America
"I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part!" - Otter, Animal House
Dearest Speaker Boehner,
Sir, my heart is just a flutter with your latest round of hate-chumming your Tea Party base. The idea of suing our President is pure genius, not because there is a shred of legal basis for such an action, but for the sheer political crassness and high wire risk. Its like watching a drunk step out a 10th story window on to the ledge to moon the mayor as his motorcade drives by. Odds are he'll soon be joining the mayor in a glorious swan dive, but the audacity of it all. The world loves a drunk John, especially a cheeky one. Yes, you’ll win over the base with another round of that oh-so-necessary buzz of hate-crack, and yes, this might just help the junkies keep it together long enough to vent their rage at the polls for another win this fall, but no, that won’t be the end. The American people will win in the end as your base’s racist tantrum comes to its final, inevitable conclusion. Let’s call it a win-win-WIN.
You see, hate-crack is a wicked drug. It's a righteousness buzz, but every hit wears off a little more quickly than the last. The next hit has to come fast, and it had better be new and fresh. If it isn’t then the haters turn on their own in a never ending cycle of ‘true conservative’ purification, the only buzz in town when the hate-crack runs dry. Acorn stealing the election, a black man taking over the White House, palling around with terrorists, the endless lying, the failed Stimulus Bill, the phony birth certificate, Obamacare, death panels, FEMA camps, Michelle’s travel ‘extravagance’, Fast and Furious, the fake jobs numbers, Benghaaaaaaazzzziii, the two-faced backstabbing Chris Christie hugging the dictator, duplicitous debate moderators, the exploding deficit, the out-of-control spending, the fiasco of the Affordable Care Act roll out, the endless tyranny of Obummer’s executive orders, the assault on the Second Amendment, the IRS scandal, Syria, those jack-booted BLM thugs, Bergdahl, the VA scandal, those brown people streaming over the border, free birth control for SLUTS, the assault on our religious liberties, black folk voting in Mississippi. Feel the buzz John? Crack-haters gotta crack-hate, and man are your folks jonesing for another suck on that pipe. Surely a little lawsuit can give em’ a long-lasting buzz. Surely. A big fat hate-buzz enough for a fall electoral victory. What could possibly go wrong?
We both know that the come down will be wicked like an ice-pick to the last shred of empathy in their brains, and the morning after will find them wailing at your window again, shrieking for another rock. By that point they won’t take no for an answer. They’ll either be feeling like klansman at a lynching after taking the House and Senate, or they’re gonna be in a white-hot pissed-off rage from losing. The only hate-crack rock around is going to be impeachment. The BIG I, the drug of all drugs. IM-PEACH-MENT. They’ll know its right there under your bed John, and no isn’t going to be an option, oh no, no, no. Crack-haters gotta crack-hate. You’ll toss it out the window to them to save your ass for a few more days, and then we’re going to be treated to a hate binge that will send your party into oblivion as fast as a texting Nascar driver in a crowd four cars wide heading into the final bend at Daytona. Heck, Sarah’s already out there on the lawn laying out folding chairs and blankets begging for the moment. Sure she's a grifter John, but she can smell a hate-crack rock from a mile away. Hey, maybe its down in the couch cushions. We both know its coming. It's destiny.
The tip of the Tea Party Republican iceberg.
What do you think the Capitol steps are going to look like in those heady impeachment days that follow? By all accounts the filters on the crack-haters brains are nearly rotted away. Every day we hear new stories of the
N-word or
other dog whistles being
used by minor actors in your party, from
Cliven Bundy to the
police commissioner of
Mitt Romney’s home in New Hampshire. Heck, the list might even include some
major players. From the
Trayvon Martin shooting to
Chris McDaniel’s primary defeat, the
racial hatred seething from your base is just barely papered over. The callers to
C-Span's show on the 50th anniversary of the Civil Rights Act are a testament to that particular and deepening strain of Tea Party hate-crack brain damage. That pipe is going to be passed around in a hate fest that will feel to them like the
Second Coming. We all know what your like minded base
says within the self-reinforcing bubble of right wing world, but with the biggest buzz ever, they’ll mistake the nation for that bubble, and it won’t be the
minor embarrassment of a
lampshade on the head.
Hey, that was just an email, we were just having fun.
You know there will be gorilla suits on the steps of the capital wearing Obama masks. Heck John, that's a given. Ted Nugent will be riling up the crowd with talk of the subhuman mongrel President and Second-Amendment remedies but with far more colorful language, while the open-carry crowd patrols the periphery to stop the inevitable false flag operation that will be the scheming Kenyan-usurper-communist-tyrant’s only hope of salvation. Catchy jingles will ring from the speakers set up to entertain the crowds. Did I mention the nooses and confederate flags? Rick Santorum and Mike Hukabee will be speaking in tongues at the White House gates imploring the Lord to smite the usurper and deliver the heartland from from the hellscape that Obama has wrought. Selfies of the crack-haters spitting on minority Democrats will be back in vogue and will flood facebook as badges of honor. Hmmm, do you think they’ll really stop at spitting, or will we witness some strange fruit swinging from the trees of the national mall? With the microphones of the world’s news outlets shoved in their faces, the mobs will jabber on with hate-Tourette’s spewing the ‘truths’ that really ought to stay within the family.
You can be assured that Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz will fill the airwaves about what a bunch of sell-outs the impeachment prosecutors are for stopping at impeachment and taking the death penalty off the table. Their quotes will fill the special blood-bespattered chyrons that Fox News’ graphic arts department will dream up for the event. “IMPEACHMENT: The End of a TYRANT - YOU DECIDED”.
How will it all end? Well, that’s a tough one. Will they mistake a news helicopter for a drone and shoot it down, crashing it into a crowd of 3rd graders on a field trip the Smithsonian? Will they gun down each other when the rumors of FBI infiltration start to spread through the hate-crack addled 'crowd'? Will they torch the White House while you plead for the military to stage a coup as the only hope of restoring order, democracy tossed aside like some no longer affordable extravagance? Will they turn on the impeachment prosecutors when their case falls to the inevitable weight of its own intellectual hollowness? If so, I doubt the assault will be limited to the verbal realm. These things are a mystery to us now, but how they unfold will be the stuff of history books for decades to come. That is a certainty. There will be big fat sections under the heading “Tea Party Republicans: The Death Throes of America’s Racist Past”. Next to pictures of the Tea Party Republicans on the Capitol steps will be the old ones from the darkest days of the Civil Rights Era linked for eternity, as they should be.
John, for the love of Dear Lord Baby Jesus, do the right thing and move forward with that lawsuit. American needs this abscess to be lanced, and you know down in your nicotine fueled heart that this is your only path forward. It leads to destiny John, and that destiny involves the end of your once great party. Its foreign policy creds lay in shreds. Fiscal policy? Please, you own the deficits and the greatest economic collapse since the Great Depression and your Laffer-curve based theories have been tested and shown to be frauds. The only thing uniting you is the John Birch-sympathizing, Confederate-secessionist, misogynist, anti-science, racist base, and we all know that nothing of worth can be built upon it. Maybe you could build something on sand, but not shit. America needs desperately to turn this ugly page of our national history and move beyond the gridlock and ugliness. It is something best done quickly, and with several generous swigs of strong liquor like a Civil-War battlefield amputation. If you show up to the House with an obvious slur, in ruffled vomit-soiled clothes, and a smoldering butt in your mouth for the next few weeks, we all promise to turn a blind eye. John, sure your dad ran a tavern, but this is your moment, your destiny. Carpe diem sir, carpe diem.
Desperately,
America