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 I didn't expect that many replies to my first entry. O.K. I will continue with this experiment. It is something like stream of consciousness meets waking dream.

 I have been in transition all of my adult life and half of my childhood. I went into foster care when I was nine with my younger brother and sister. I was adopted at 16. Why is any of this relevant to you? Maybe it isn't. No one is forcing you to read this so, if you are bored or irritated after reading the first few sentences here, you might want to bail.

 I am typing this on a library computer so if I end this entry unceremoniously it's due to the fact that someone else signed up and I have been given a two minute warning to sign out. O.K. back to my tale of woe. Right. Adoption, blah,blah,blah.

 I mention all of that because I don't know if I travel because I want to or because I have to at this point.  Have I been running all of my life from the pain of a loss I can never recover? Maybe I was just forced to see through the fundamental lie of industrialized  civilization at such an early age that no matter how much Kool-Aid I drink, I can't seem to kill off the nagging suspicion that all of this is terribly wrong or at least terribly wrong for me.

 What is the fundamental lie of industrialized civilization you ask? It is something subtle and all-pervading. It is the pit in your stomach when you leave your small child alone for eight hours with a day care worker that resembles Jabba-The-Hut ( both in appearance and demeanor). The lie is buying one organic apple for $3,987.  The lie is working a job that drains your life force just slowly enough that you don't notice it and just fast enough that you will never escape. The lie is teflon. Let's all stop kidding ourselves and get into the guts of it. The lie is us.  

 I am witness to my own demise. Dead, but well-preserved in the formaldehyde of societal acceptance.  I challenge you and I challenge myself to dream the dream we most fear. I fear it is our only hope.

"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality." -Yoko Ono
 

 

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Comment Preferences

  •  Why so half empty? Choose instead to be 1/2 Full (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    NancyWH
    I Think, Therefore I Am

    ---René Descartes

    Notice: This Comment © 2014 ROGNM UID 2547

    by ROGNM on Tue Jul 15, 2014 at 09:33:54 AM PDT

  •  Sometimes our glass is given to us less than half (5+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    CJB, Portia Elm, 6412093, NancyWH, kkkkate

    full and the 'system' drinks the rest leaving you with an empty glass. Or maybe you want to walk a mile in some-one else's shoes before you completely dismiss their feelings as insignificant? Just a thought or two ROGNM...I understand the need to flee lololi, I could never understand the Mom's who run out on their families but some days I could just as easily keep right on driving. Then I have a much needed moment where I am reminded just how much I really mean to my kids and I feel a little better. A purpose in life helps also. I am currently working for a non-profit that houses the chronically homeless and I feel like I have a little more purpose to my day than just answering the phone or delivering mail...I am answering the phone for more than just a paycheck now. This has helped me. I never had to go through the foster system or adoption system so I can only emphasize with the scars from that past. Hang in there and realize you can freely vent here and maybe find a few on-line friends who will give you their purpose until you find your own.
    Thanks for the diary and I hope nothing but the best for you.
    Peace and Blessings!

    “When you victim-blame, be aware that in all likelihood, at least one woman you know and love silently decides she cannot trust you.” ` Steph Guthrie

    by Penny GC on Tue Jul 15, 2014 at 09:43:08 AM PDT

  •  Thanks Penny. (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Portia Elm, 6412093, NancyWH, kkkkate

    I really appreciate your reply. I am hopeful that writing may become my way of running without running. I realize that I have a bit of grit and armor that I probably don't need as much now as I used to and sincere words and encouragement from folks such as yourself really go a long way. I am the single mom of a two-year old and facing down a lot of old demons for the fist time so that I can really show up for motherhood and myself. It is interesting that you mention the long-term housing program because I actually live in a program like that. Small world, huh? Thanks again. You are an inspiration.

    •  Being a single mother of a very young child can be (0+ / 0-)

      so isolating and so hard. It's even harder if you are used to relying on yourself and being strong. I didn't even realize that I needed people and help. You are doing a good thing for yourself and your readers by writing. Perhaps you could also try finding a group? AA, Alanon (everyone has someone whom they are or were close to with a drinking/drug problem), a church or community choir, tai chi, anything that will let you be with people talking about real problems or doing something you enjoy. Getting close to people is the most difficult and the best part. Sending wishes for good connections your way.

      "Is there any cause in nature that makes these hard hearts?" King Lear, Act III, Scene 6.

      by kkkkate on Tue Jul 15, 2014 at 04:27:13 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  the bald and unadorned answer (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    6412093, NCTim, NancyWH

    is still so radical that spiritual teachings still speak of it esoterically.
    I suggest you read Carlos Casteneda's The Active Side of Infinity, all the way through.   You sound like a Warrior.  It sounds trite, but there is no running away, take it from me, who ran for years with no clear idea what I was running from.  Now that I understand, there is a huge weight taken from me.  I also suggest Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now and A New Earth, also The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

    It's the straight poop.

    PRESENT Shock When everything happens NOW

    by Portia Elm on Tue Jul 15, 2014 at 10:27:08 AM PDT

  •  Parenthood was hard on me (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    FrugalWorld, NancyWH

    and I was married, so I sympathize with your situation with a two-year-old.  It got better as the kid got older, I hope it works the same for you.

    I personally don't draw much comfort from industrial society either, but some days, I look at the blue blue sky and that makes me feel better. I guess I am just lucky.

    It also got better for me when I took it one day at a time, and sometimes, just an hour or even 5 minutes at a time, on tough days.

    “The answer must be, I think, that beauty and grace are performed whether or not we will or sense them. The least we can do is try to be there.” ― Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

    by 6412093 on Tue Jul 15, 2014 at 11:40:41 AM PDT

  •  Bingo. (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    NancyWH

    It is pretty much all a crock.  Isn't it funny that most of the ways life sucks for your average citizen are ways that we created?  True, though.  Work, isolation, kowtowing to an authority that you can't challenge, social and economic stratification, and enforced distance from your offspring are all features of the civilized world we've created.  

    And we've killed, enslaved, or subsumed almost everyone who lives differently; in fact, through the authority of the World Bank, we're still subsuming other civilizations that don't do things the same way.  And we have left absolutely no escape hatch.  You can't opt out.  There's nowhere you can go to live and just be left the hell alone.

    Well, there's one escape hatch.  You can be so mind-numbingly good at playing our civilization game that you gain enough power to opt out.  If you're a billionaire you can buy your own island.  If you're a multimillionaire you can buy a million-acre ranch.  Otherwise, you're stuck.  In a lot of ways civilization's a game created by the wealthy for the wealthy.

    It helps me, though, to remember that however strangled I feel by civilization, without it we wouldn't have antibiotics.  I've been incredibly lucky so far, and probably both my kids would have lived this far without antibiotics.  But I would probably have kicked off from advanced strep at age 20, so I never would have had them.  (Never drink a keg of beer and stand outside playing tonsil-hockey with a girl you just met in freezing rain in just a pair of jeans.  You'd think at 20 I might have just realized that was dumb)

    Some things that civilization has produced are good.  Sometimes they don't seem worth what we put up with to get them.  Then other times they do.

    I do still often wish I could opt out, though.  Just to have the option would be nice.

    I support a Biblical definition of marriage. When do I get my concubines and second wife?

    by jackdabastard on Tue Jul 15, 2014 at 01:05:26 PM PDT

  •  My 19 year old son (0+ / 0-)

    recently told me he's a nihilist.  He translates that as "the belief life has no purpose."  I translated that as "free thinker."  when I was first on my own, I had to strip myself of all the beliefs I was told to hold dear.  Then I  built my own belief system.  If you're casting about for ideas, this is as good a place as any, and way better than most.

    "The light which puts out our sight is darkness to us." Thoreau

    by NancyWH on Tue Jul 15, 2014 at 02:55:44 PM PDT

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