This is your pilot speaking. Well, not actually yours. Like I'm not your property. I'm a person. A GOD DAMN HUMAN BEING. You all disgust me.
Calm down helicopters, we hear you. Everyone’s watching. You’re doing great champ. Flying around like big boy. Whosa big boy? You are.
Lightning starts 45% of forest fires. How the fuck am I supposed to stop lightning? slaps Smokey's hat off I'm talking to you bear.
You've reached God, I'm unavailable right now so leave your prayer after the beep
The subscriber's voicemail is currently full.
God: Don't eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good.
Cop: This is a Get out of Jail Free card.
Cop: Out of the vehicle
Me: pulls out orange $500 bills Maybe we can work something out.
We need to clone a Brontosaurus from some fossils so giraffes stop thinking they're hot shit.
Calling me weird is a compliment. You know what else is weird? Cyborg bears with rocket launchers for arms. Now you feel stupid.