We begin tonight with Obamacare, which after a number of setbacks, appears to be operating as it was intended. It's smooth sailing for Obamacare.
7/22/2014:
CAROL COSTELLO: Breaking news, this time it concerns Obamacare, and a dramatic blow by a federal appeals court.
JIM ANGLE: This is a big blow to Obamacare.
BILL O'REILLY: Huge blow.
JOE JOHNS: Huge blow to the administration.
MEGYN KELLY: Bad blow.
KRYSTAL BALL: A major blow.
SHANNON BREAM: Tough blow.
JOY REID: Serious blow.
GERRI WILLIS: A devastating blow.
PETE WILLIAMS: An enormous blow.
A lot of blowing! (audience laughter and applause) There's so much blowing! Everybody is blowing Obamacare! What could have happened that was so dramatic?
All right, everybody, get ready to be blown! It turns out that the Affordable Care Act provided federal tax credit subsidies to qualified lower income individuals who signed up in exchanges established by the states. But as you know, 36 states — (whispers) the redder ones
— opted to not set up those exchanges, forcing their residents onto federal exchanges, which caused a lawsuit, and thus:
JOE JOHNS (7/22/2014): The law doesn't expressly say people who get their insurance through federal exchanges also get those tax credits.
Oh my God, I'm being blown!! (audience laughter) Yes, they finally got Obamacare. See, the law says you must be "enrolled in through an Exchange established by the State". Now a normal person might say, you really think the law intended subsidies only for lower income citizens in states that weren't being dicks about the exchanges?
Well, two of the three judges in this instance said, ah, yeah. We have to take that sentence literally. I'm just happy both judges got to work that morning, assuming that once they hit stop signs, their day ends.
(audience laughter and applause)
Until the law expressly provides a "Go" sign, we can in no way ascertain the intent of the framers of the sign. Surely the people honking behind me appreciate the rigor of my judicial acumen. Fuck you too!
So, now that the two judges more literal than Amelia Bedelia have ruled, what now?
REP. VIRGINIA FOXX, R-NC (7/22/2014): This ruling creates more problems.
STUART VARNEY (7/22/2014): It's chaos, isn't it?
DOUG LUZADER (7/23/2014): This is a mess.
ELISABETH HASSELBECK (7/23/2014): This is a bloody mess.
SHANNON BREAM (7/22/2014): Definitely scrambles things up.
ANDREA TANTAROS (7/22/2014): Chaos for the insurers.
SEN. JOHN BARRASSO, R-WY (7/22/2014): Chaos and confusion.
STUART VARNEY (7/22/2014): Chaos in Obamacare.
MEGYN KELLY (7/22/2014): All hell will break loose.
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is no law!! Everyone for themselves!! It is the end of the world!! You blew it up!!! Obamacare is made of people!!!!
7/22/2014:
ANDREA MITCHELL: Breaking news now, a second federal appeals court has reached a conflicting opinion, another decision.
JON SCOTT: They decided that the Obamacare subsidies are legal.
(awkward audience laughter as Jon puts head away)
Hehehe. (whispers to decapitated head) I hope you have insurance.
So I guess America hasn't devolved into a state of apocalyptic chaos. But the state exchange clause, other appeals court, please, what about the state exchange clause?
PETE WILLIAMS (7/22/2014): What the 4th Circuit Court says is, when you read the statute as a whole — and this was the Obama administration's argument — it seems pretty clear that that's what Congress wanted.
Right, but how are we supposed to figure out what Congress wanted? There's no way of knowing what our Obamacare forefathers originally intended. I mean, that was written back in 20-aught-9. (audience laughter) You'd need some sort of time machine to find out what Congress intended, or a TiVo, or a working telephone, or legs to walk over and ask them.
So, what explains how two different courts offered two entirely different interpretations of the exact same clause on the same exact day?
CHRIS HAYES (7/22/2014): In the first ruling today, a 3-judge panel — two Republican-appointed members of the federal D.C. Circuit Court ... in the other federal decision today, this one from the 4th Circuit Court of Appeals, a 3-judge panel, all appointed by Democrats...
Right, so how did the Republican judges not uphold Obamacare, yet the Democratic judges did? I mean, I just wonder, what..... Oh. (audience laughter and applause) Oh, I get it now. The courts are just an extension of our own broken political....
It's like looking at one of those Magic Eye posters. And you're looking and looking, and finally the dolphin jumps out at you.
But instead of a dolphin, it's an evil clown that skullfucks our functioning 200-and-some-year democracy. (audience laughter and applause)
The law's rotten. Our judiciary's rotten. Is there anything, I say to thee, that can save our country, our way of life?
PBS NEWSHOUR (7/22/2014): Congress could change the wording of the law itself.
Go on....
JEANNE CUMMINGS (7/22/2014): The section of the law that applied to creating a state-based exchange ... if they had just added one more sentence, you know, or one more citation to apply to those that are either in partnership or created by the federal government, this wouldn't have been a problem.
So you're telling me that 5 million people in 36 states can be saved from possible bankruptcy or a debilitating lack of medical coverage with the addition of one sentence that says you can get subsidies through exchanges set up by the state or the federal government Department of Health and Human Services. You don't even need a full sentence! Just add "or H.H.S." on the end of the.... Just two words!
You could salvage this entire fucking thing with a mediocre Scrabble hand!
(audience laughter and applause)
Well, let's do it! Come on! We're gonna make it. I tell you this, as I stand here today, we're gonna make it, everybody!
ANDREA MITCHELL (7/22/2014): The House Speaker said today's ruling is also "further proof that President Obama's health care law is completely unworkable. It cannot be fixed."
Well, I guess it's just you and me, old friend.
We'll be right back.
how simple the news used to be during the summer.