From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh! More Things I Know
>> It's another day ending in y, and that means it's another day that the federal government-hating state's rights states down south will be happily accepting a disproportionately large share of federal tax dollars.Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
>> I know we're all really excited about the potential of windmills to generate power, but let's not lose sight of why we're installing them in the first place: to grind grain.>> Twenty-nine consecutive state and federal court rulings deeming same-sex marriage a constitutional right is not judicial activism---it's a fucking judicial slam dunk.Something else I know: cool pens!
>> In June of 2008 I wrote this: "Republicans will go further with bogus impeachment charges against President Obama than Democrats ever did with legitimate ones against President Bush."
>> A stopped clock that's on military time is only right once a day.
>> If we're looking for a way to carry out the death penalty without getting all gross about it, we should give boredom a try.
>> In the entire history of the universe, no one will ever get caught saying, "A gift subscription to Sarahpalinchannel.com? Just what I wanted!!!"
>> When the moon starts waxing, I always sing my favorite song: I Made It Through the Wane.
>> I'd love to know what it's like to be a multimillionaire who pays higher taxes than most people, just so I could empathize with the kind of anguish they go through day after day.
>> The best-tasting water in the world will always come from squirt guns.
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, July 31, 2014
Note: Today is your last chance to celebrate Christmas in July. Tomorrow: Festivus in Augustivus!!!-
Days 'til Talk Like A Pirate Day: 50
Days 'til the Missouri State Fair: 8
Percent of Maine electricity produced last year by hydropower and wind power, respectively: 29%, 7%
(Source: The Portland Press Herald)
Additional increase in the cost of curbing greenhouse gas emissions for each decade that the U.S. delays doing it: 40%
(Source: Council of Economic Advisers)
Factor by which fist-bumps are more hygienic than handshakes and high-fives, respectively: 20x, 10x
Price of a small draft beer at a Cleveland Indians or Arizona Diamondbacks game, the cheapest in the majors: $4.00
Percent chance that a shark's eyes are black and lifeless, like a doll's eyes: 100%
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
-A local television station here in Lubbock, Texas, recently ran a three-part investigative series on pantyhose entitled "Born to Run."
And some people wonder why I love Lubbock.
After a local farmer mowed an anti-Clinton message into his wheat field, another television station reported that he had "mowed it with his concubine."
Puppy Pic of the Day: The swim lesson
CHEERS to leadership. Maine Congressman---and our next governor---Mike Michaud is the ranking Democrat on the House Veterans' Affairs Committee, so he gets plenty of credit for helping get the VA reform bill through the House yesterday---by a whopping 420-5 margin. Not mature enough to say something positive about it, our Maine Teapublican governor's re-election campaign went negative…and totally botched their attack:
VA reform bill, Mike.
Brent Littlefield, [Paul] LePage’s political advisor…was forced to correct a press release that sought to cast doubt on Michaud’s claim that he was “very active” in drafting the compromise reform bill voted on Wednesday. Littlefield’s release included links to 11 national stories about the compromise, saying none of them mentioned Michaud. Several of the stories were from the same source, while another clearly noted Michaud’s involvement and included a direct quote from him.Clearly they belong to their own VA grouop. Veteran Amateurs.
JEERS to necessary do-overs. With Israel pulverizing Gaza into a fine powder, it's time to take drastic measures. I'm donning my tights and using my Superbilly power to turn the world back exactly one year:
Let's hope they get it right this time.Secretary of State John Kerry said Tuesday that Israeli and Palestinian negotiators would convene again in the Middle East within two weeks and that their goal would be to work out a comprehensive peace agreement within nine months that would lead to an independent Palestinian state.One year ago, all smiles. I
really thought the mimosas
were gonna do the trick.
“The parties have agreed to remain engaged in sustained, continuous and substantive negotiations on the core issues,” Mr. Kerry said at the State Department, flanked by Tzipi Livni, Israel’s justice minister, and Saeb Erekat, the chief Palestinian negotiator.
“Our objective will be to achieve a final status agreement over the course of the next nine months,” Mr. Kerry said. “We all understand the goal that we’re working towards: two states living side by side in peace and security.”
CHEERS to a little help from our friends. On July 31, 1777 (gosh, it seems like yesterday), the Marquis de Lafayette was made a major-general in the American Continental Army. He said that, even though we had to "go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time," the British Army was "in the last throes of the insurgency, if you will" because we had "turned a corner," and promised that after we won the War of Independence---based on a sensible "time horizon"---we'd be "greeted as liberators with sweets and flowers." Crazy French. Where do they come up with this stuff?
CHEERS to Dr. Barack Obama: Recession Healer. Despite Republican attempts to pull a sheet over our head every five minutes and send us to the morgue, the president continues helping America recover from its years-long case of Busheconomyitis. The pulse is getting stronger:
is KILLING THIS COUNTRY!
New data released Wednesday show the U.S. economy bounced back in the spring, growing at a 4% annual pace in the second quarter. That was even better than the forecast of 3% growth, according to a consensus of economists surveyed by CNNMoney. Consumer spending, which alone accounts for about two thirds of U.S. economic activity, strengthened, as did exports to foreign countries and business investments.Democrats and independents shouted "Hooray!" Republicans shouted, "Benghazi!"
American consumers spent more money on long-lasting goods like autos, appliances and furniture, while businesses invested more in technology and industrial equipment. Both can be seen as good signs that households and companies are more optimistic and investing in the future.
CHEERS to the still-happy couple. Happy anniversary to former and future First Kid Chelsea Clinton, who exchanged "I dos" with Mark Mezvinsky in Rhinebeck, New York four years ago. I still remember that day. There were tears and wailing about where has the time gone and lip-quivering verses of Sunrise, Sunset and anguished cries of "Don’t take my baby!" Thank goodness Hillary was there to snap Bill out of it.
Five years ago in C&J: July 31, 2009
CHEERS to suds with buds. Yesterday President Obama, Harvard Professor "Skip" Gates and Cambridge police Sgt. James Crowley shared six beers apiece (five of them in the Oval Office broom closet before they headed out to the rose garden) as they met to reconcile their differences. A transcript of the conversation, based on my superior ability to read lips:
The President: Nobody understands me! I'm just tryin' to get 'em some freaking HEALTH CARE! Shit, man...half 'o my own party is workin' with the Republicans!
Professor Gates: You think you got it rough? I gotta lecture in front of a buncha half-asleep preppies who sit in my class texting and tweeting and snoring and slurping coffee and passing notes back and forth and stickin' gum under their desks...and then when they fail an exam they're like, "Oh pleez pleez pleez don’t flunk me, P'fesshor, or my daddy won’t buy me a Beemer!"[Clink!] "Kum by yah."
Officer Crowley: Ah, whaddya talk! You guys got it easy. Y'know what happens when someone finds a python in their terlet? They send me to pull it out. But a kitten in a tree? For that they send the goddam fire department and they get their picture on the front page 'o the Bahston Globe. But me? I get one column inch in the Bahston Herald's 'News of the Weird' section and end up suckin' down Advil for a month because some fockin' snake squeezed my ribs into the size of a sahftball!"
Joe Biden: I really, really, really, really, really love being vice president, ladies and gentlemen. Gosh, I really do. You know I got a Jacuzzi in my living room at the veep mansion? How sweet is that, ladies and gentlemen?
And peace was restored to the galaxy.
And just one more…
JEERS to posting dreck that doesn't belong within a hundred miles of a website about winning elections. And shame on me all the livelong day for posting it:
In my defense, there's gotta be a political metaphor in there somewhere.
I'm sorry but I won’t be able to post C&J again until next month. Them's the breaks, kids. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:-
Little Girl Really, Really Doesn't Want Bill in Portland Maine to Grow Up