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What a Shitty-Ass Week.

Can I say that out loud? I think there's rules about swearing on the front page. Come and get me, admins, I double-dog dare ya ha ha haaaa!

I was gonna post some late night snark tonight, but I bagged it because it's hard to laugh at jokes by a gaggle of comics who you know are crushed by the loss of Robin Williams. And the whole Ferguson awfulness is, well, I don’t even know where to start.

Fire hydrant
Excellent urban camou-
flage, Officer McGillicutty.
I guess I do have one question for those law enforcement troops on duty Tuesday and Wednesday: do you know how freaking gooberish you looked all decked out in camouflage designed to be used in the woods? Where the hell did you think you were, the Amazon rainforest? If you weren't so preoccupied with your Darth Vader act, you would've known to wear city camo with, like, stop signs and lamp posts and road stripes on it. Maybe the front door of a house, a mailbox or a fire hydrant. I hate to break it to ya, but we could see you in your Sherwood Forest camouflage out in the middle of the street. Congratulations---you can't even cut it as fashion police.

But I digress. What I meant to say was, despite this ridiculously dumb week I'm still posting the usual "Who won the week" poll. Scan the choices (yes, the peaceful Ferguson protesters and the journalists who covered them are on the list) and you're bound to feel a little better. I don't reveal who I'm going to vote for until after I do the deed, but I can tell you I'm kinda sweet on Ida Keeling, the 99 year-old woman at the Gay Games who ran the 100-meter dash in under a minute. These days it takes me longer than that to make it to the bathroom in the middle of the night. But look at that sweet, sweet Rick Perry indictment. Mine own poll doth vex mah!!!

Oh, and another thing. Tomorrow is National Rum Day. Since it must be tomorrow somewhere already, I invite you to my Tiki hut below the fold with good buddy and tonight's co-host Bacardi 151. Do say hi. We'll be the ones in the corner making outrageous accusations at a lamp.

Your west coast-friendly edition of  Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 15, 2014

Note: Thank you, America, for giving us our best week ever!  Clip this coupon and get 15% off your next diagnosis and treatment.  ---Acme Ulcer Specialists, Inc.  "Practicing Hole-istic Medicine Since 2001."

Chive Fest Denver graphic 2014
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections: 81
Days 'til the Chive Fest in Denver: 1
Factor by which raising cattle for beef is more harmful to the environment than production of pork, chicken and eggs: 10x
(Source: Depts. Of Agriculture, Interior and Energy via The Week)
Size of Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder's $1.1 million vacation home, which could become an unexpected liability in his reelection campaign: 4,980 sq. ft.
(Source: Brainwrap)
Real value by which the minimum wage has eroded since 1968: 1/3
(Source: White House Council on Economic Advisors)
Percent chance that Native American history proves we shouldn't worry about fracking "and this, that, and the other”: 100%
(Source: Colorado GOP State Sen. Randy Baumgardner)
Altitude achieved last week by NASA's flying saucer, at which it flew four times the speed of sound during its successful test: 190,000 feet


Michele Bachmann Eric Cantor Departure Countdown
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) speaks at the Faith & Freedom Conference and Strategy Briefing in Washington, June 3, 2011. REUTERS/Molly Riley (UNITED STATES - Tags: POLITICS) - RTR2N91F
"Bye Bye Bye!!! I hate you all!"
We're putting our Bachmann countdown (141 days, if you must know) on ice tonight for the one and only time we'll be able to do a Friday countdown for the former House Majority Leader, who got shellacked in his primary by a college professor and didn’t even have the grace and dignity (let along patriotism) to see his term out.  So it gives me great schadenfreudal pleasure in announcing: Eric Cantor leaves the House for good in 3 days.

Puppy Pic of the Day:  Occy and Biggie


Claire McCaskill hugs a resident of Ferguson, Missouri Thursday, August 14 2014.
Leadership: Sen. Claire
McCaskill in Ferguson.
CHEERS and JEERS to what a difference a day makes.  When last we checked in with Ferguson, Missouri, a division of heavily-armed Constitution-ignoring law enforcement troops acted like they were preparing for the liberation of Fallujah.  Sensing the optics might look slightly unfavorable, the invasion force and their assault vehicles were swapped out for friendly Highway Patrol police in regular old cherry-top cruisers.  Swipe your cursor over the photo and you can see the result.  So that's a relief and let's hope it continues.  But then there's the Ferguson Police Chief, who named the officer who murdered unarmed teen Michael Brown, but then went on to circle the wagons around his trigger-happy employee by claiming Brown was a suspect in a convenience store robbery.  So let that be a lesson to you, kids: if you rob a convenience store, don't walk in the street or you might get told by the police to walk on the sidewalk like a proper convenience store robber as you make your dramatic getaway by lazily sauntering off in broad daylight.  They have standards, you know.

CHEERS to Regime Change Theatre.  I never viewed Nouri al Maliki as a prime minister of Iraq as much as I viewed him as an uninspiring stooge with his thumb on the scale in favor of his Shiite brand of religion.  Thankfully the pressure got to him, as demonstrated tonight in Regime Change Theatre:

Iraq Prime Minister Haider al-Abadi  August 2014
The new guy is Haider al-Abadi.
Iraq: Leave, dude.
Maliki: No.
United States: Leave, dude.
Makiki: No.
Iran: Leave, dude.
Maliki: No.
Iraq, U.S and Iran together: Get the hell out, asshole!
Maliki: Okay, okay, I go. But Master Cheney will not be happy.

His last day on the job is expected to be sometime around not soon enough.  We understand his successor's first act will be cracking some walnuts with his biceps.

CHEERS to VJ Day. Sixty-nine years ago, on August 15, 1945, America celebrated the end of the war in the Pacific.  Our youngest W.W. II vets are now in their upper 80s, so today it's our pleasure to slip a nip 'o scotch in their Ensure with a wink and a "thank you"---that was a war that needed to be fought.  Meanwhile the Afghanistan war has dragged on over nine---nine!!!---years longer than the Second World War.  Not that we're counting.  Or seething.

Maine postcard
Having fun, wish we were here.
Wait a minute... We are! We are!
CHEERS to 24 hours of Maineiac Maineia!!! (h/t mayim)  By decree of our Teapublican governor, tomorrow is our first official Maine Day.  There's lots to celebrate in Maine.  Our sandy beaches to the south and rugged coastline to the north, our mountains and forests and lakes and L.L. Bean, our gay marriage law and our progressive voting laws. There's lobster, lobster and lobster.  Our four seasons.  Blueberries that cure cancer and taste great on whole-wheat with peanut butter.  But the best part about celebrating Maine Day this year is knowing that our Teapublican governor will only get to celebrate one Maine Day as governor.  Now, where did I put that vuvuzela?

Crisco ad from 1911
I eat it straight from the can!
CHEERS to an artery's best worst friend.  On August 15, 1911, obedient and properly submissive American housewives across the country swooned to the sound of Crisco (short for "crystallized cottonseed oil") glopping into their frying pans and mixing bowls as Procter & Gamble brought it to market.  Over a hundred years later, Americans still love it because it lets them enjoy fried chicken and cupcakes and cookies and pies and countless other sinful foods.  And cardiologists love it because it lets them enjoy Porsches.

John Oliver poster for
The best weekend
TV on the TV.
CHEERS to home vegetation.  Another weekend, another couch that will bear the full weight of my potato-sack butt---god help it (the couch I mean; my butt is a lost cause).  Slim pickins this week beyond the MSNBC reliables (Chris and Rachel tonight, Steve and Melissa tomorrow).  New DVD releases include season one of The Blacklist, the British actioner Filth, and Colin Firth in the W.W. II (Pacific Theatre) drama Railway Man.  Your baseball schedule is here. (I think this is the weekend the Red Sox spring their trap and rope-a-dope their way to the World Series, you just watch.)  On Bill Moyers & Company, Bill highlights a second interview with Maya Angelou, this one from 1988 on the nature of evil.  And here's your Sunday morning lineup---please hold your
applause until Steve King regains his sanity:
Meet the Press: R.I.P.

This Week: Iraq war veterans Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL) Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) on U.S. military action in Iraq; roundtable with Donna Brazile, Kristen Soltis Anderson (Daily Beast), and the reporter whom Howard Dean labeled an "asshole" at Netroots Nation, Jeff Zeleny.  (Remind me to stay on Howard's good side.)

Rep. William Lacy Clay PR photo   Republican from Missouri...ferguson's representative.
Ferguson's Rep. Clay
is on CNN Sunday.
Face the Nation: This weekend it's Bob Schieffer's turn to babysit Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI) while wife Kristi goes shopping; NAACP president Cornell William Brooks and Georgetown University professor Michael Eric Dyson on the Michael Brown murder; roundtable of Very Serious People including Gerald Seib (WSJ), Ruth Marcus (WaPost), Michael Gerson (WaPost) and Peter Baker (NYT).

CNN's State of the Union:  Wow---their go-to "expert" on law enforcement issues in Ferguson is…Bernie Kerik???  Wow---what chutzpah.  At least Rep. William Lacy Clay (D-MO), who represents Ferguson, will provide some sense and sanity.  Race relations roundtable with Jesse Williams, LZ Granderson, and Tara Wall.  Rep. Peter King (R-NY), Kevin Sutcliffe and CNN Terrorism Analyst Paul Cruickshank crank the ISIS fears to 11.

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rick Perry muses on how he'll spend his time in prison as a convicted felon; Sen Ron Johnson (R-WI) and Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY) talk sweets 'n flowers in Iraq; roundtable with George Will, Kirsten Powers, human buzzsaw Liz Cheney and Amy Walter.

Trust me---you'll be better off going outside in the yard listening to the worms bitch about the huge mistake in this Downton Abbey publicity photo.  They get all angry-wriggly funny when they're pissed.


Ten years ago in C&J: August 15, 2004

CHEERS to Mea Culpa, Washington Post-style.  Better late than never.  Paper admits its WMD/Iraq war coverage was as fair and balanced as Fox News:

"[Bush] Administration assertions were on the front page.  Things that challenged the administration were on A18 on Sunday or A24 on Monday.  There was an attitude among editors: Look, we're going to war, why do we even worry about all this contrary stuff?"
We can think of nearly a thousand reasons who've returned in pine boxes...and counting.


And just one more…

CHEERS to coming attractions.  Look, I know this has been One. Shitty. Week.  So I searched high and low to find something I could end C&J with that would make you feel like there was hope for the future.  I weeded through dancing animals, newscaster blooper reels, farting preachers, Republicans caught in sex scandals, kids saying the darndest things, and every sex scene available on You Tube.  Nothing was hopeful enough.  I was just about to label my task impossible…and then "it" appeared.  It has everything: wooden acting…trains…an unwashed mob standing in front of a gated TV shop craning their necks to get a glimpse of the square-jawed mystery hero on the flickering screens in the window…love scenes crying out for The Benny Hill Theme…earnest, tortured speeches espousing an impossible-to-enact ideology…and the piece d' resistance, a Ron Paul cameo.  Yes, my friends, it's almost here.  Opening day of the final installment of the Atlas Shrugged trilogy.  I give you the preview for Who Is John Galt?

Spoiler Alert: he's a long-winded, self-centered asshole.

Have a great weekend full of good food, happy thoughts, plenty of shut-eye and lots of de-compression.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?



Who won the week?

4%118 votes
9%274 votes
4%136 votes
40%1120 votes
8%244 votes
0%27 votes
16%470 votes
8%227 votes
0%27 votes
0%10 votes
2%66 votes
2%77 votes

| 2796 votes | Vote | Results

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